running up that hill

ok maybe it's after midnight! but in any case, I'm a little bored cause I fell asleep after dinner for a couple of hours and automatically woke up at 10.00 exactly for my evening snack. weird, does anyone else have a freakishly exact body clock like this? it's useful though :) I think I was a bit worn out today cause I took my little brother ice skating this morning then went into town for lunch and a bit of HMV browsing (as most eight year olds, he's obsessed with computer games!). anyway after that I had to go and buy some food supplies for the weekend and straight after we went out to Pizza Express for dinner, so I kind of felt like I hadn't had a spare moment all day. also, I had the Vitabella pizza for the first time (UK people?) and it was really nice :) I think my mum was a bit nervy about me choosing a 'light' pizza! but hey, the rest of my family eats WAY more lightly than I do in the day and has a heavier dinner so it's ok. I felt way better with a small option actually cause it meant that I had my usual highly caloric afternoon snack instead of shrinking it a bit. fitted right into my schedule!

thank you all for the comments on my last post, made a lot of sense. I feel a little silly now cause I have to confess, there were times when I sat and told people 'I don't want to get better, why are you pushing me, just let me maintain' etc etc. I guess it just felt like the ground was pulled from under me when someone actually said that was the plan rather than pushing me. but heck, on the 'proving people wrong' front things are going well :) big news - I got my period! yayyy for hormones! tbh I usually get it at a low weight, in fact I've had it 10lbs below where I am now, but it's still a relief! I was starting to wonder what was going on there. to be bluntly honest, I have had a hard time the past few days with one side of my head moaning and moaning 'see, you're healthy now, you don't need to gain, what's with all this peanut butter/hummus/extra calories etc'. but I just stuck my middle finger up :P

unfortunately I am also having hugely annoying GI issues again. of the 'I am curled up in pain and cannot move after meals' type thing, plus being full for FAR too long. I've started to rely on metoclompramide a bit but I hate the side effects too much so I hope this eases soon! it's been six months now since I was at my worst point physically, and I'm just starting to wonder if this will ever go away. delayed gastric emptying caused by an eating disorder is supposed to rectify itself once you are eating normally again and I'm getting impatient :(
I'm also wondering if I can get any help for it, medically speaking. every professional from the ED services I go to seems to assume it's a problem of the bloating/constipation sort, which it isn't at all. more like food getting stuck in my stomach for six times the normal length of time! but all the professionals tell me it's impossible for me to have had such severe bulimic symptoms at such a low weight, which I believe is linked to the GI issues, so no surprises there.

anyway I should stop moaning :P and post some pics!



Fage 2% with agave and mixed berries/plums. also had a cup of dark chocolate ice cream with this, told you my snacks were substantial :P



dinner last night: Cauldron mushroom burger (obsessed!), spinach with 1/2 can mixed beans and a load of red pepper hummus. also lots of mustard, err have I told you I'm a bit addicted to it? spicy = yum!



this is what happens when you are too busy eating and forget to take a pic...it looks like you munch on rabbit food all day long! this WAS a Pret Italian Chicken Salad...lettuce, tomatoes, black olives, chicken, pine nuts, red peppers, parmesan and Italian dressing. yum :)

I'm working tomorrow and the next day and going to Thorpe Park on Monday so may be completely wiped out by Tuesday, but it should be fun! next mission - I'm looking into getting a membership at my local leisure centre for the summer, as inspired by Jemima. when we were ice skating today I saw that they have some cut price offers for the gym/classes/pool membership which include an induction, so I could talk through the fact that I'm trying to gain and I don't exactly want to jeopardise that, but get some kind of fun/exercise routine going at the same time :)

hi blogworld :) long time no typing!

it's disgustingly hot in the South-East right now and I've only just made my room habitable by keeping the fan on and the windows open for about 48 hours straight now. unfortunately, there are now lots of flies in my room! :(

I was going to take my brother to yet another theme park (yes he's obsessed) today but the weather's so horrible that we put it off. so I'm sitting around the house watching 'Heroes' (love it) and blogging. I also managed to forget what day my appointment with the dietitian was on, doh. so I may well be in trouble!

my title - it's the 1st of July today. and yesterday I spent a long time beating myself up because, getting honest here, I didn't gain any weight in June. I now have three months before I move out and time is ticking away fast. if you remember my irritated post about it, I gained for three weeks then with a ridiculous display of the power of my ED to panic and overestimate calories, lost ALL that weight in a week. bollocks. so I had a review again with everybody and ended up hugely triggered and feeling awful, cause it seemed to me that they were just resigning themselves to the fact that I will fail. obviously my actions have contributed to this somewhat so I can't blame anyone else, but it made me feel hugely fatalistic. basically the gist was, they will aim to help me get through uni at a barely 'safe' BMI and avoid another hospital stay. the idea of which anorexia LOVES, of course ;) but I really don't! I said I would gain before I move out and I don't want to let one crap month stop me. another thing which really bothered me was the suggestion that 'if I'm not careful I will end up dropping out in November with a bmi of 11' :S. firstly I have huge problems with self-fulfilling prophecies! but secondly, this is a huge fear of mine. what if I try to get better, really work at recovery and the stress pushes me into an even worse relapse? I don't even care to think what I will do to my body if I put it through that again. or my parents. or my sanity, tbh!

in any case, that was a lot of rambling. but the point is, I have to try and move on and not tell myself that I'm a lost cause because I haven't managed to keep any weight on yet. I've proved that I CAN get my weight up, I just have to keep it there and keep going. I don't want to be 'taking baby steps' for ever and just end up in the same place. for the moment, my tactic seems to be 'eat as much as you can fit into normal meal/snacks without going nutso' and it seems to be working :)

things I did to stick two fingers up to my ED recently:
~ ate dark chocolate late at night cause I was hungry and low on calories - screw you, rigid eating pattern!
~ accepted that an Innocent veg meal is NOT at all equivalent to my normal meals (stupid head, because it's packaged as a 'meal' I decided it was fine...you get the picture) and starting adding calorific, yummy stuff to them when I have them
~ ate Ben & Jerrys for my snack yesterday! haven't kept down B&J in...well, a very long time!
~ bought 2% yogurt when it came back in Sainsburys instead of sticking to fat free

I also have some pics :)



very common lunch - toast spread w/ butter & wholegrain mustard, two Quorn sausages, spinach w/ balsamic, Lucozade Sport barely visible at the top



me in La Tasca! taken while out with an old friend. I tackled a big challenge on this day - lunch, snack AND dinner out :) luckily lunch was sushi which is manageable, and altho tapas sounds scary it was actually nice and relaxed.



just for kicks...a lil pic of the inside of my car :D
xx