running up that hill

I feel like everything in my life is going right at the moment :)
not only does the wi-fi on my East Coast train back up to Durham actually WORK, but it's the perfect opportunity to update which I've been meaning to do for about a week but just far too busy. I also found my camera this morning while packing (occupational hazard when you're as disorganised as me) so I have pictures!

first, rewind to the 18th December. as you'll know if you read her blog, Katie came to stay with me in Durham! I won't be boring and recap stuff which she has, but suffice to say we had a really fun time, and I also got to meet Jessica which kind of made my Christmas too. here are some of my pictures to do a brief summary...



it was RIDICULOUSLY cold. that's our bin, but I picked the picture cause it shows the 'Durham City' sign and the insane amounts of snow. I am heading back up there now so wish me luck! however I think I actually have acclimatised to the cold, cause down South I was ok going out just wearing leggings (lol not JUST, but as opposed to leggings and jeans, you get my point!)



outing number one to El Piano, the vegan gluten free restaurant in York. this was amazing. I had the special 'Aztec' tofu, and the aubergine bake, and Katie's are the sweet potato mousse and falafel. I may not be vegan or coeliac, but who cares I'd still choose to eat there.



second outing on the trip home - totally had to try the falafels. this was the mixed salad with falafel which Katie got as well from the takeout counter. twas amazing again. I'm so glad I managed these meals cause it was quite a big deal for me to move from 'having a substantial lunch' to 'having a substantial lunch OUT' so quickly. but heck nothing is impossible right?

ok aside from eating at El Piano, we also shopped in York, went to the Life Centre (kids science playtime!) in Newcastle, shopped some more, met Jessica, and sat by my radiator jabbering a lot! it was so much fun, and I'm so grateful to Katie for coming up to see me :) she is such a good laugh and a helpful person to talk to about pretty much everything under the sun. I would insert a disclaimer here about how I hope I wasn't too annoying but I think we've both established now that we are both paranoid ;)

ok so after our holiday in the snow, Katie drove me home on the 23rd (thank you :D) and I went to Dorset with my family on Christmas Eve. I won't lie, being at home was seriously difficult. I had wondered if my parents wouldn't comment on my weight as last year I was in a similar position and they didn't. but I think after my IP stay things have changed, and my dad told me I look like I did at my lowest weight and I think he was really scared. ack. well, I'm not that low, and I am doing better behaviourally, which hopefully I demonstrated by doing fairly well with meals over Christmas. it was really hard to deal with the anxiety of knowing that I was being watched, as well as changing up my normal meals. I did some cooking though...



ingredients...




FRYING! ;)

complete...ratatouille. we had this with crispy bacon for dinner and it was pretty darn good. I also made parsnip soup and crusty bread for lunch but didn't get a pic of that. still I really appreciated my dad's willingness to let me cook so I knew what was going into things and felt ok about eating them. he has also been so kind to me helping me out with things...like today he wouldn't let me carry anything on the tube, he made a detour on the way to work to drag my heavy suitcase and a bag full of my blankets and cushion etc while I just carried my shoulder bag. it's so kind of him and I really just want to do better cause I can see the way he looks at me sideways and it's really awful to think how I would feel if I had a daughter who looked the way I do :S

in any case, moving onto the positive, I am still keeping my calories up and haven't let myself slip back down as has happened before. I am really scared to weigh myself though as I'm not sure, there might be a chance that I've lost which would put me in a range I honestly never thought I'd see again...stupid fucking illness. it might just be that I am eating more so I feel smaller for the same weight on the scales though if that makes sense. but I can always increase anyway ;) I definitely feel like my metabolism has sped up, I am actually getting hungry to the point of my stomach rumbling before meals which is so rare for me because of the damage I've done to my digestion through my eating disorder.

hopefully I will be back in Durham in 2 hours now so I'm going to sign off and have lunch, I am bloody starving right now! I'm sure I will update soon though, I have much less to do in the next few days.

hello again :D
thank you so much everyone for all the support on my last post, it was much appreciated :)

I've definitely made headway with the accommodation issue for next year now, saw my senior tutor today and it looks like transferring colleges will probably be possible, so I'm very happy about that. I've also done a lot of my Christmas shopping! Went to the Metro Centre on Saturday and although it was packed, I had a really fun time picking out presents. Benefit mascara for my mum, some locally produced hot chutney for my dad, Harry Potter themed cutlery for my slightly obsessed brother...I won't go on! I also may or may not have bought a couple of things for myself ;)
Got a picture where I think I look less exhausted and a bit happier...in the car park post shopping fun...



(please anyone just tell me if its triggering or awkward to have pictures...figured this one was cool as its just my blurry face lol)
the collared shirt is new from Topshop...I seriously recommend these they are the warmest and most comfortable things ever!

I've been going fairly well with changes to my diet...I haven't done everything I'd wanted to but have made significant changes, breakfast and lunch are now established and more substantial for sure. Plus my weight has been stable for the past few days so obviously it is having the desired effect. I had some really low moments where I was totally convinced that the changes would have me gaining and gaining, and I'd just freak out and go backwards, then have to be admitted and gain anyway. Clearly this was all ED'd bullshit which I am so glad I ignored cause I only gained 1lb and I'll bet that was just the thing they talk about where your glycogen stores increase etc. However I have my period now which is also driving my ED mental (I've actually had it a few lbs above where I am now before, but low 13s bmi? don't know what my body is doing) but again, I am going to try the ignore tactic. Regarding weight gain, I know a few people commented on this, at the moment I am trying to stay where I am and avoid hospital over Christmas, which is basically where I was heading until I started to turn things around. Obviously my life plan is not to maintain at this weight. But when I think about long term & gaining it throws me off right now, I don't feel stable enough to contemplate it without freaking out. My doctors etc do want me back up to bmi 15 at the very minimum though so obviously at some point in a few weeks/months that will have to be addressed.

The only other thing that is stressing me out at the moment is money, annoyingly. It's irritating cause I've been so thankful that my binge/purging hasn't been as compulsive and out of control as the last time I was at this sort of weight, it has been more balanced with restricting mostly. But I can really see the impact of malnutrition and weight etc on the impulsivity of my spending and it's not good at all. Spent over £40 in Sainsbury's today, and do I NEED any of this stuff? Hell no. Is a 70p reduction justification for buying 3 tubs of pesto which I won't keep down anyway (among other similar stupid purchases)? Ugh, ridiculous. I get into this mindset at low weights where I feel like I NEED to stockpile food or have particular things and it's such a waste. It's not that I don't have the money, but I don't really think when my parents put aside savings for me as a child they envisaged some emaciated 21 year old version of me spending it on food I wouldn't digest. I don't know, I might come across as flippant but I feel so damn guilty, not only for this but for the amazing help I get from the NHS, the benefits I claim cause of my eating disorder, everyone bending over backwards to help me & what do I achieve? Being 'good' at being ill? Great. I need some real life achievements for once.

Sorry if that was a bit depressing it's just been going round my mind a bit lately. In general I am feeling alright though, at least better :)

I hope everyone is suitably excited over the fact that there are only TWO weeks until Christmas! I know I certainly am...I seem to have far more festive spirit this year than usual! The liver's out proctor came over and gave us mince pies this morning, there are local bands playing carols in town, I am plotting my presents and we are going to a carol service in the amazingly beautiful cathedral on Monday. All is well :)

We also had a house Christmas lunch on Sunday which was such a fun thing to do with my housemates...managed to snap some pics too :D



table all set up with Secret Santa presents



Henrietta (yes, my housemate named our chicken!) being carved



my brilliant Secret Santa present! (have been wearing these constantly!)



and yeah, this is me :) I know I look like I haven't slept in a month, but we're working on it yes?

regarding everything I talked about in the last post, I have emailed my senior tutor and I'm going to talk to her next week about hopefully getting a room in the self catered college next year. she seemed really sympathetic so that was nice. I am a bit nervous seeing as I seem to have given the impression that things are going really well so seeing her in person will be interesting though. although I'm not sure to what extent now my feeling that things are so much better than they were this time last year is true or just denial. I'm a fair bit off my lowest weight now, but then again I was actually higher than I am now last January and reached my lowest in Feb. then again, behaviourally things are better. and I feel like I HAVE learned things from my hospital stay which I can hopefully put into action this time around. I feel less hopeless. so crossed fingers it wasn't that much of an untruth.

yesterday I feel like I really made a big step in pushing my eating disorder out for Christmas, which is a massive goal of mine - to be feeling more normal and in less of a dangerous position over the holiday. I added a meal in, which in itself isn't new...I've done 'increases' before but they've never stuck and I think my eating disorder knew they wouldn't and felt safe with it. this time I really did not feel safe and really didn't want to do it...but I did it anyway...I can't express how amazing that felt. I think things turned around a bit on Tuesday, when some things happened which really brought home to me how serious this is at the moment, plus I woke up down 3lbs since I'd been 'maintaining' last week which I absolutely couldn't blame on fluctuation and scared me quite a lot. so this morning I'm back up one of those lbs and of course my eating disorder wants to run with this and say 'see, STOP, you're going to gain every time you add something in'. I know this is bullshit though. yes going up a lb or two will be normal as there is more food in my stomach and so on but let's face it, it is totally necessary and won't even make a difference to my body except for feeling better physically! right now I am just wrestling with the dilemma of weighing myself at all to be honest. part of me wants to stop entirely for the next couple of weeks as I plan to make some more increases (add a night snack, among other things) and don't want to scare myself. I'm not sure if I need to know though, cause I know realistically if I started to lose anything I'd have to increase faster. has anyone else got advice about what they did in this situation? I won't have weigh ins after this Friday for awhile cause of the Xmas period, and I know I'm on quite thin ice, I can't just drop a few kilos without knowing, but I don't want to become obsessed with fluctuations either.

aside from stressing over such mundane rubbish, I have been addicted to online 'shopping' lately, both for people's presents and things I may or may not want to buy for myself in the January sales! I am totally stuck over a present for my dad though...just what do you buy for middle aged men, seriously?! I think I'm gonna make a trip to the Metro Centre on Saturday and do some serious present buying, which should be great fun :) I will certainly take pics of the decorations if they're nice, and probably hang out in Starbucks for ages topping up my blood caffeine levels.

I hope everyone is having an amazing, erm, Advent? period!

Believe it or not, I may have actually updated my blog!

So sorry it’s been such a long time :( I honestly have missed blogging immensely and especially in the past few weeks I’ve been keeping up with lots of other people’s blogs and plotting to come back. I’ve basically had to write five out of six of the term’s essays in the past two weeks, so I decided to put off writing this entry until today...which is effectively D Day after I trekked across the howling winds, rain and 2 degree weather of Durham to put them in the department pigeon holes ;) not like I’m overdramatising it or anything!

Anyway. This term has been...interesting to say the least. Freshers week was utterly hectic, and the first few weeks of term I had very little sleep and consumed a slightly shocking amount of alcohol ;) since then...well to be honest my eating disorder has been really out of control. I remember very little in the way of actual logic. Just sitting on my doorstep smoking after a night out on fresher’s week thinking that I really had the opportunity to ‘be’ a typical student this year, to go out, get involved and have fun without all this crap holding me back. And that thought totally repelled me. I didn’t want to. What on earth that means I don’t know. Anyway, I almost don’t want to get into how messed up things were but I may as well be open about it. I lost 20% of my bodyweight in five weeks, and I wasn’t really healthy to begin with. The last week, I’ve stayed stable at a bmi of about 13.5, so for the first time since mid Oct I think I’m managing to get a hold on things at least to some degree,especially given that when clothed/hydrated that makes me just about where I need to be for weigh ins etc. I didn’t want to talk about this with anyone unless I felt like I was actually doing something about it you know? Of course, maintaining is messing with my head utterly. I hate the feeling of total paranoia, convincing yourself that unless you’re losing, you MUST be gaining. Right now I am really fighting with the desire to ‘just lose a couple more kilos’ so I have room for manoeuvre. Why exactly I think I need that I don’t know but it CAN’T happen. I want to increase what I’m eating gradually and get to a more ‘real’ maintenance diet of about 13/1400 calories (obviously lower cause my weight is lower, I’m not suggesting anyone sane maintain on that :S) by Christmas. Right now I’m eating a fair bit less than that but I probably just nuked my metabolism and I guess it will pick up when I increase.

As far as uni goes, I am absolutely LOVING our house and my living situation. Despite things being a bit messed up health wise they’re a million times better than they were last year just cause of living in our own place, with one of my closest friends. We literally just banter about everything under the sun, and have little projects like baking bread or our Secret Santa. I’m totally confused about what to do next year now though, I hate the way just as soon as you’re settled they start talking about housing and rent! I’m allowed to move back into college, but they said I ‘can’ get a special concession to live in the self catered college if I want. Which would be AMAZING given the a) better food b) really new nice rooms with ensuites and shiny new furniture, but it’s not my college and it would be even harder for me to get involved in college life than it already is as a fresher living out. I don’t have to decide this for a week or so but it’s playing on my mind since the essay crisis has passed!

I’m planning on staying up North for most of the Xmas holidays cause Katie is coming to see me after the end of term, then I’m gonna do something for New Year with another friend who lives up near here. I may freeze, but hey, I usually get utterly bored at home during holidays so it should be a welcome change. Hope everyone is ok and sorry if this first entry is really rushed/nonsensical. Hopefully I will get back to blogging more lately. I’m sorry if this isn’t all inspiring and happy too, I want to keep the blog for myself but am pretty low & unmotivated at the moment. But life goes on. So my blog will go on :)

ps major thanks Jessica and Laura for your kind messages wondering how I was...I realy appreciated it and it motivated me to post!