guilty
09:58 Edit This 5 Comments »
hello again :D
thank you so much everyone for all the support on my last post, it was much appreciated :)
I've definitely made headway with the accommodation issue for next year now, saw my senior tutor today and it looks like transferring colleges will probably be possible, so I'm very happy about that. I've also done a lot of my Christmas shopping! Went to the Metro Centre on Saturday and although it was packed, I had a really fun time picking out presents. Benefit mascara for my mum, some locally produced hot chutney for my dad, Harry Potter themed cutlery for my slightly obsessed brother...I won't go on! I also may or may not have bought a couple of things for myself ;)
Got a picture where I think I look less exhausted and a bit happier...in the car park post shopping fun...
(please anyone just tell me if its triggering or awkward to have pictures...figured this one was cool as its just my blurry face lol)
the collared shirt is new from Topshop...I seriously recommend these they are the warmest and most comfortable things ever!
I've been going fairly well with changes to my diet...I haven't done everything I'd wanted to but have made significant changes, breakfast and lunch are now established and more substantial for sure. Plus my weight has been stable for the past few days so obviously it is having the desired effect. I had some really low moments where I was totally convinced that the changes would have me gaining and gaining, and I'd just freak out and go backwards, then have to be admitted and gain anyway. Clearly this was all ED'd bullshit which I am so glad I ignored cause I only gained 1lb and I'll bet that was just the thing they talk about where your glycogen stores increase etc. However I have my period now which is also driving my ED mental (I've actually had it a few lbs above where I am now before, but low 13s bmi? don't know what my body is doing) but again, I am going to try the ignore tactic. Regarding weight gain, I know a few people commented on this, at the moment I am trying to stay where I am and avoid hospital over Christmas, which is basically where I was heading until I started to turn things around. Obviously my life plan is not to maintain at this weight. But when I think about long term & gaining it throws me off right now, I don't feel stable enough to contemplate it without freaking out. My doctors etc do want me back up to bmi 15 at the very minimum though so obviously at some point in a few weeks/months that will have to be addressed.
The only other thing that is stressing me out at the moment is money, annoyingly. It's irritating cause I've been so thankful that my binge/purging hasn't been as compulsive and out of control as the last time I was at this sort of weight, it has been more balanced with restricting mostly. But I can really see the impact of malnutrition and weight etc on the impulsivity of my spending and it's not good at all. Spent over £40 in Sainsbury's today, and do I NEED any of this stuff? Hell no. Is a 70p reduction justification for buying 3 tubs of pesto which I won't keep down anyway (among other similar stupid purchases)? Ugh, ridiculous. I get into this mindset at low weights where I feel like I NEED to stockpile food or have particular things and it's such a waste. It's not that I don't have the money, but I don't really think when my parents put aside savings for me as a child they envisaged some emaciated 21 year old version of me spending it on food I wouldn't digest. I don't know, I might come across as flippant but I feel so damn guilty, not only for this but for the amazing help I get from the NHS, the benefits I claim cause of my eating disorder, everyone bending over backwards to help me & what do I achieve? Being 'good' at being ill? Great. I need some real life achievements for once.
Sorry if that was a bit depressing it's just been going round my mind a bit lately. In general I am feeling alright though, at least better :)
thank you so much everyone for all the support on my last post, it was much appreciated :)
I've definitely made headway with the accommodation issue for next year now, saw my senior tutor today and it looks like transferring colleges will probably be possible, so I'm very happy about that. I've also done a lot of my Christmas shopping! Went to the Metro Centre on Saturday and although it was packed, I had a really fun time picking out presents. Benefit mascara for my mum, some locally produced hot chutney for my dad, Harry Potter themed cutlery for my slightly obsessed brother...I won't go on! I also may or may not have bought a couple of things for myself ;)
Got a picture where I think I look less exhausted and a bit happier...in the car park post shopping fun...
(please anyone just tell me if its triggering or awkward to have pictures...figured this one was cool as its just my blurry face lol)
the collared shirt is new from Topshop...I seriously recommend these they are the warmest and most comfortable things ever!
I've been going fairly well with changes to my diet...I haven't done everything I'd wanted to but have made significant changes, breakfast and lunch are now established and more substantial for sure. Plus my weight has been stable for the past few days so obviously it is having the desired effect. I had some really low moments where I was totally convinced that the changes would have me gaining and gaining, and I'd just freak out and go backwards, then have to be admitted and gain anyway. Clearly this was all ED'd bullshit which I am so glad I ignored cause I only gained 1lb and I'll bet that was just the thing they talk about where your glycogen stores increase etc. However I have my period now which is also driving my ED mental (I've actually had it a few lbs above where I am now before, but low 13s bmi? don't know what my body is doing) but again, I am going to try the ignore tactic. Regarding weight gain, I know a few people commented on this, at the moment I am trying to stay where I am and avoid hospital over Christmas, which is basically where I was heading until I started to turn things around. Obviously my life plan is not to maintain at this weight. But when I think about long term & gaining it throws me off right now, I don't feel stable enough to contemplate it without freaking out. My doctors etc do want me back up to bmi 15 at the very minimum though so obviously at some point in a few weeks/months that will have to be addressed.
The only other thing that is stressing me out at the moment is money, annoyingly. It's irritating cause I've been so thankful that my binge/purging hasn't been as compulsive and out of control as the last time I was at this sort of weight, it has been more balanced with restricting mostly. But I can really see the impact of malnutrition and weight etc on the impulsivity of my spending and it's not good at all. Spent over £40 in Sainsbury's today, and do I NEED any of this stuff? Hell no. Is a 70p reduction justification for buying 3 tubs of pesto which I won't keep down anyway (among other similar stupid purchases)? Ugh, ridiculous. I get into this mindset at low weights where I feel like I NEED to stockpile food or have particular things and it's such a waste. It's not that I don't have the money, but I don't really think when my parents put aside savings for me as a child they envisaged some emaciated 21 year old version of me spending it on food I wouldn't digest. I don't know, I might come across as flippant but I feel so damn guilty, not only for this but for the amazing help I get from the NHS, the benefits I claim cause of my eating disorder, everyone bending over backwards to help me & what do I achieve? Being 'good' at being ill? Great. I need some real life achievements for once.
Sorry if that was a bit depressing it's just been going round my mind a bit lately. In general I am feeling alright though, at least better :)
5 comments:
Glad you had fun shopping, and I love those flannel shirts too, they're really cosy. Uniqlo do some great ones, uber cheap as well! Also super news that you're managing to stay stable but also recognise the dangers of staying where you are. The food-hoarding is a normal symptom of being at a very-low weight, obsessions with food get pretty extreme the lower your weight. Lots of love xxx
P.S. I'm picking up my bro from Durham tomorrow so
Hey chicka,
Just catching up on posts. I missed you posting but I understand the hecticness of Uni.
Sounds like you've had HEAPS going on in many areas of life. Hang in there chick cause you CAN do this and you have gotten there before. Life has a lot more for you than what the ed would have for you...
Well done for the changes you've made, that is GREAT. I understand how scary and terrifying it is, but you don't need to do it all at once, the steps you're taking are fantastic, keep moving slowly and steadily onwards and upwards! YOU CAN DO IT!!
*hugs*
Love Telly xo
I always wanted one of those shirts but I just don't suit them...you look great in them though, and it's good that they're so warm and snuggly ~ if the Metrocentre was anything like Waldridge (where I am...it's in between Chester-Le-Street and Durham) then it will have been freezing!
I don't think your photos are triggering in the slightest...we all know where you're coming from and just because you're struggling, doesn't mean you have to hide yourself away.
Glad things are looking up a little with the eating...I relate so much to the overspending on food. Though I've never purged, during my attempts to control my caloric intake (in general, not to a restrictive level) and over-eating I routinely become obsessed with certain foods and buy huge quantities of them because I'm terrified they will suddenly be discontinued. If you feel guilty, at least you didn't spend £150 getting PB&Co flavours shipped over from the USA, binge on two jars and then have to give the rest away. I'm so ashamed about that and have never admitted it to anyone before! That was last winter and I still feel awful about it.
You don't choose to be ill! You are always trying your hardest to fight your illness and none of this is your fault.
Will hopefully see you in Durham on the 19th :)
Take care!
<3
xoxo
Just to let you know i completely understand the guilt with money/benefits etc, but you know what? Beating yourself up over it doesn't change anything. I think i have realised that. Making changes can. But there is no point in dwelling on it as guilt will help no one. xoxox
Aha, I tried to comment when you posted this a few days ago but blogger wasn't working for me! I think it hates me :P anyway now everyone else has said all the things I would want to say! You don't have to apologise for being 'depressing', it's your blog and you can say what you want. I write lots of weird and sad things on my blog and no one seems to mind! I am sorry you're feeling so guilty too <3 I agree with Claire, beating yourself up doesn't help - it always just made me more anxious/angry with myself so it helped perpetuate all the crap. The NHS and benefits systems exist to help people, they are not there just for show. I don't think you're ridiculous about the food thing either - I know it's a different situation but I used to buy lots of food then throw it away a few hours or days later when I was ill, I think most people who are very underweight do things compulsively like that. It doesn't make sense logically because there's no logic behind it, it's a biological thing (yeah, that's my story and I'm sticking to it :P )
I am so excited about tomorrow, yay! I'm just about to go dig out my nice blue blanket to put in my car in case I end up getting stuck in a snow drift!
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