running up that hill

more music...I'm liking linking random songs I've been listening too lately :)

Billy Joel - Vienna

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
Are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

again, thank you to everyone who commented on my last post :D I gave a lot of thought to what you guys said and the situation in general. short version of my conclusion - I damn well need to ease up on myself! I spend so much time worrying when I'm making a real effort that it's 'not good enough', that I'm not 'doing recovery right' and so on. every time I struggle with behaviours or find it hard to disentangle my eating disordered thoughts my instant assumption is that I'm hopeless, and everyone is thinking that I'm not trying hard enough or am just plain doomed to failure. yesterday's anger at myself was a prime example to be honest. while I do believe that I need to 100% commit to a) weight gain and b) not restricting in order to succeed here, there are other facets of my eating disorder which don't work in that way at all. expecting myself to stop bingeing and/or purging immediately and completely would be like expecting myself to stop obsessing about food, or eating slowly, or worrying about eating at certain times. some things are inextricably linked to starvation, and while they can be worked on, they can't be 'controlled' like that. so, to be honest YES, I have no doubt that I will struggle with purging for some time yet, whether in terms of strong urges or actually slipping and doing it. I'll probably also struggle with actual binge/purging too, and to be honest it's a testament to my 'fear of failure' that both the other day and on other occasions in recovery I've purged 'normal size' amounts of food because I didn't feel it was 'so bad' (ridiculous, anyway). what's important, as so many of you helped me see, is that I become aware of my triggers and build up my ability to resist them. this is hard for me because (cliche ahead, I warn you) I can be very black and white in terms of my thinking. I've almost always relapsed in a sudden, very full on way. I can't stand to be stuck in a place where I feel like I'm 'not good at recovery and not good at my eating disorder either'. what I need to realise is that being 'good' at having a mental illness is just a sign of ill health, and recovery isn't ABOUT being 'good' at it in the first place. so from now on, a little compassion towards myself and some understanding of shades of grey may come in handy ;)

this line of thinking also really helped me to get things into perspective with regards to uni work and so on today too. I got an email back from my tutor who was actually incredibly understanding and helpful, and my senior tutor gave me an appointment and said there's almost certainly lots of ways she can help out :) it has always been a problem for me that I find it very difficult to give myself 'permission' to accept help or admit that I am struggling because of my eating disorder. I remember vividly last year being at uni but not seeking any medical help with my eating disorder for this very reason, while things got more and more out of control. after ending up in hospital for a potassium drip, I went in to see my GP and he told me he was very uncomfortable being responsible for me in the community at the weight I was, and that I should try to organise going home to seek treatment straight away. I wouldn't have admitted this at the time, but I remember the MASSIVE sense of relief I felt on hearing that. I had been forcing myself to keep up a facade of being 'fine', keep going to seminars, handing in work etc, and at the point I was physically the stress of it all was getting pretty unbearable. but at the time I found it too difficult and terrifying to admit this to anyone in real life, and so a doctor telling me I needed to pack it in was pretty much exactly what I was desperate for but unable to voice. I don't know if anyone's had the experience of being utterly rigid in avoiding food before an admission, but secretly being incredibly relieved to be 'told' to eat properly and not have to feel like death all the time when they went into hospital? cause basically, it was my version of that ;) I dread to think what I would have done to myself or what it would have taken to get me to 'admit defeat' if I hadn't gone in for that appointment, and more than anything else that really illustrates to me that I need to learn to ask for help and not be ashamed of being human. I had been worried that I was keeping up the same charade by staying at uni this year despite things being so bad, but I think that asking for help from my senior tutor was a huge step forward for me, small as it may sound.

moving on to actual day to day events rather than stuff whirling around in my head, I had an amazing time today :D I went to Newcastle with my friend Hannah for lunch & some shopping. I've known Hannah for years online but it's only this year we've become really close and starting spending a lot of time together. I could go on about how much I think of her, but she may read this and her head may swell :P seriously though, having such a close friend has really helped me lately. we're in pretty similar places with our eating disorders (and are pretty similar people, if you take away all that crap which hopefully we will!) but the amazing thing is, like I wrote about before with my friend from hospital, it's one of those rare relationships with another eating disordered person where it doesn't make things difficult. I've worried a lot about how it might get in the way in the past, but today reaffirmed for me that it really doesn't :)

as far as our day went, after trekking to Newcastle we did a bit of browsing in Fenwicks then headed to Yo Sushi for lunch. as my first time eating there, it really lived up to expectations! highlights for me were the handrolls, I had crispy salmon skin (don't balk until you've tried it!) and spicy tuna, and the breaded fried pumpkin croquette type thing. clearly more food was consumed :P but those were amazing. on a more serious note, I know that for both of us it was obviously quite difficult and a big achievement for both of us to have lunch out (why is lunch always harder than dinner? grr) so basically, yay for us :D we also did some shopping in Fenwicks food hall and I came away with some brilliant stuff. highlights (again, cause clearly the food is interesting but I don't want to bore anyone!) were strawberry marshmallow fluff, candied melon pieces, and reduced dark chocolate with peppermint. we did more shopping around central Newcastle then went for coffee, where I had the best soy latte ever (amazing barista! the foam looked like a heart!) and a marshmallow cupcake I also picked up in Fenwicks. I just got home a few hours ago and am still 'glowing' from such a brilliant day! OH, and forgive me for talking about the food so much (what did I say about starvation lol) but I had a great challenge this evening...I found one of those pretentious 'restuarant quality' or whatever ready meals in M&S reduced to half price. spaghetti carbonara. yeahhh, a bit intimidating. and I'd never tried it before weirdly! BUT, really nice :)

so I feel like I have rambled on enough and should maybe go to bed soon. but I'm glad I posted this, blogging has given me a lot to think about in the past few days. also, I feel like my concentration span/ability to blog coherently is improving :D which is brilliant!

edited to add a picture, cause I'm SO excited that I got my camera to work for 2 seconds! sorry for the crap lighting, due to the aforementioned short battery life. but basically I became a child and made a funny face out of my evening snack: english muffin with Philadelphia & strawberry marshmallow fluff, and yogurt with candied melon pieces. ok, so the food's a bit childish too. you'll forgive me right? ;)

So, I ended up purging last night and I am really pissed off and frustrated with myself :X

The whole saga reminds me very well of what I would occasionally do last summer...being happy enough with where I was and committed enough to not going right back to old behaviours that I wouldn't exactly start on a whole prolonged binge/purge 'session' but rather eat something, kind of like a fake 'meal' purely with the intention of purging it. To be fair it's better than where I was in very early recovery (stealing dry bread in IP to b/p on even when I was on 15 minute observations...ugh. look at that for an example of what starvation does to you) but it still just pisses me off, excuse my language!

What's even more frustrating is that I know exactly what my triggers are, it's blatantly obvious. I remember at about 11.30 going for a cigarette and getting horribly dizzy and my head spinning, then realising when I sat down that my stomach was basically eating itself with hunger (for context, I have dinner at 8 and a snack at 12). So, I sat down for a minute then made some food but it didn't seem to help and I was still feeling really off kilter and odd. I've accepted for a long time that this illness can be very much driven by physiological factors for me. Skip a meal and I start to get vulnerable and not think clearly. What irritates me though is that I didn't even go longer than 'usual' without eating. And while 4 hours is longer than I COULD be going, I have very delayed gastric emptying and it's often really hard for me to eat even that often. There seems to be no telling when I'll go from 'in pain' to 'about to fall over with hunger' and it's utterly confusing. Especially because why the hell am I suddenly hungry on 2500 calories, to the point of nearly passing out, when I wasn't hungry at all on 100? Ok don't answer that I know the answer :P I am just worried and frustrated with the prospect of having to stay 'on guard' for even the slightest hint of getting too hungry and so on for the entire time I am restoring weight, which kind of won't be a short process. It definitely seems to make me incredibly vulnerable to old thought processes and behaviours. And this was just a 'minor' example, as shown by the fact that I wasn't really 'hungry enough' to properly binge. But it did mean that I was feeling shaky and for me, eating 'in order to purge' is effectively allowing myself to 'dabble' in behaviours, because quitting purging is incredibly difficult for me given how much I was doing it when I was very ill and how long it's been going on for.

Ah also, I forgot to add the second of my 'triggers that I am far too annoyingly aware of'. About 2am I logged onto my uni account and realised that I missed a seminar last week without even remembering I was supposed to HAVE one, and got a slightly angry email from my tutor! Cue being worried about that, and pissed off as hell with myself that clearly things start to fall apart as I do 'better'. I was fine at uni and all when I was totally starving myself and losing weight stupidly fast, and also when I was maintaining a very low weight. But the past couple of weeks I've forgotten things several times and I've had sudden onsets of ridiculous tiredness. It winds me up. So anyway, that on top of the already shaky feeling I'd had ever since I got hungry before that snack was apparently just too much for me. Incidentally, I emailed back this morning explaining and made an appointment with my senior tutor to discuss getting me a bit of leeway academically, I'm only first year so I doubt she'll mind as she knows about my eating disorder and was really kind when I had to go inpatient last year. Which makes me feel a lot better.

So, try to forgive myself and move on? I don't know, I'm still frustrated. I know logically that no one who was purging as much as I was quits cold turkey. I also know that no one's recovery is perfect. Obviously I am still a perfectionist though ;) and it scares me cause I know I have to keep a handle on it with regard to my weight gain too, it can have such a knock on effect. The 'curse' of ending up effectively losing weight via binge purging is the terrible digestion you get, and the fact that I end up concerned that if I purge at all I'll end up actually losing a fair proportion of stuff I ate earlier and intended to keep down. Way to prolong the initial problem! Also, another knock on is that I woke up today at 12. SO irritating. I've been getting by on about 5 hours sleep to get 5 meals in without killing myself with pain (thank you delayed gastric emptying) so today is going to be one epic challenge. I might just drink some oil? Kidding. Partially :P

Oh on the positive side, I had my appointment plus weigh in yesterday and have gained 3.5lbs in the last week, and 7 since I started increasing :) and I was pretty darn happy about it! I actually expected it to be more given the water retention from not-purging (speaking of, I feel like my body has actually deflated this morning :S all my clothes fit differently and I had to down a can of Diet Coke as soon as I woke up so I wouldn't be 'tempted' to weigh myself cause I knew seeing the drop wouldn't help me...anyway). I will probably post about that more and be cheerful about it once I'm over being pissed at myself :)

Jewel - Hands

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken
In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters

For some reason I remembered this song today and I've been listening to it on repeat constantly. I heard it first in summer 2007, when a girl I met while inpatient played it to me and told me it gave her hope when nothing else would. It was one of those brief fleeting friendships I'll always remember...I discharged myself AMA after a week, but came back as a daypatient and it was one of the first times I felt I connected with someone in treatment and really got something out of the experience. During my earlier stay in a general adolescent unit I went out of my way to either avoid the other patients or try to make them dislike me, and to be honest I found it quite a scary environment too. But Ayesha...I remember her as painfully honest and open, and caring too. On a ward of anorexics where competition is rife and there's a subtext to every conversation, it was incredibly refreshing. For months after I moved on from that unit, I wondered if she had been ok. I remember seeing a photo of her before she was ill, and it was the first time I appreciated how dehumanising the illness was. Having been underweight throughout my life to some extent I suppose I was numb to it and didn't really appreciate that the spectrum of 'what people look like' doesn't normally include anorexics! Seeing her before her illness and in front of me like that almost made me cry. I would never have thought that three years later I would know that this was only the beginning of the anger, fear, frustration and sadness I'd feel on seeing so many young people I cared about have their lives ripped apart. Lately I feel so refreshed, and positive, and as though I've finally understood how to begin to 'save myself'...I just wish I could save everyone else too. The song still means something to me though, especially the idea of 'my own hands'. It makes me hope...if there's anything I can do for my friends it's to be an example, to give them belief and hope. I wasn't sure I believed that I could pull myself out of this relapse. Last year I was quite literally not eating 'with my own hands' but through an NG at first. I don't think there's anything wrong with the fact that I needed IP, sometimes you just do, especially from very low weights...but I didn't participate in my recovery. It wasn't MINE. I want to refeed myself and get my life back from this alone this time mainly for the actual goal in itself, but part of me thinks...if I could be that screwed up, and make it, I could believe in myself. I could be proud. Maybe I could help other people.

Moving on from the cheesiness...I am still recording my food dammit. Altho it irritates me to do this with no pictures at all because guess what? I found my camera, but the battery's out and I need to get the charger posted up here :(

but anyhow. ps: it's 2500 calories now ;)

breakfast: mixed seed bagel, Philadelphia, banana, 30g yogurt covered raisins. I put the raisins on the bagel, kind of like weird crazy ants on a log? sounds weird...but seriously, I recommend!

lunch: mozzarella/tomato/basil pesto baguette, mango slices. Boots meal deal FTW. another revelation: a whole baguette?! not scary. fun :)

snack: mixed seed bagel, Philadelphia, 30g yogurt raisins. yeah, bagels are 2x 5 packs for £1.18 at Tesco right now so I have 10 to eat very soon. plus, this combination may be a new obsession...

dinner: battered haddock fillet, homemade potato wedges (w/ olive oil & cajun spices), Galaxy Bubbles chocolate bar (ok, ok so I might have gone a bit overboard on the 'let's eat this food combination just to stick my tongue out at my ED...it was fun though!)

snack: Total yogurt, 75g vanilla ice cream PureProtein bar

yum day. I kind of feel like a child in a candy store. which is sort of bizarre considering when I am ill I get through 10x this amount of food or more, just without the digestion part. but there's something really thrilling and fun about it...maybe I'm just a bit immature :P

firstly, thank you so much to everyone who messaged or commented on my last post. I'm not exaggerating when I say there were times when I was left in tears after the amazing way people reached out to me. I must add a quick caveat - I don't know if I haven't made this clear before in my posts, but I'm in treatment for my eating disorder, I see someone weekly and am monitored, medically speaking. I just wouldn't want to worry anyone or leave them thinking I was alone.

It felt incredibly cathartic to write what I did the other day. while it's frustrating that it not only took the terrible relapse & subsequent hospitalisation last winter, but relapsing again afterwards and losing most of what I'd gained in weight and progress to reach this point, I'm still grateful. this year I've come to terms with how serious my illness is and come out of the denial I was in up until that point. which for me, was always going to have to be the first step.

last night (this morning?) at 3am I did something I've never done before. I felt like I was reaching a point of total frustration and anger with myself and my life. I had changed this, yes. but extremely conditionally. I was gaining weight and telling myself I'd stop at a bmi of 13.5. still binge/purging multiple times a day. not allowing myself to hope for the future. yesterday I watched a video made by a girl who had a severe eating disorder and recently committed suicide (someone friends of mine knew). I was absolutely bawling my eyes out by the end. while its amazing that she was able to get her message out there before her death, the whole situation is so irrevocably tragic. anyone who has lost a friend to this illness recently, I am so sorry and I am thinking of you, however futile that may be.

at 3, after I'd attempting to make myself look a bit more presentable and not tear stained, I went down to the Nightline drop in 5 minutes down the road. it's actually usually a phone in service, but I hate talking on the phone, and I remembered that they let people come in for coffee at all hours of the night, and had a totally random desire to just chat to a normal person for awhile. so I went in, and ended up telling a totally random person from my uni pretty much everything about what's been going on. bizarrely, trying to explain my dilemma to someone totally healthy (and male, to make it stranger!) seemed to be a total lightbulb moment for me. seeing how they reacted to my appearance, my clearly utterly distorted thing and so on was incredibly helpful in showing me what needs to change. I left feeling more hopeful and full of ideas and motivation than I have in months. crazy seeing as I'm totally not lacking in people who DO understand my illness to talk to! but talking to someone who didn't (but really listened and took in my explanations) was so different and surprisingly helpful!

so this is how I ended up sitting in Costa this lunchtime eating a tuna melt panini. which incidentally, I've never had before, randomly enough! I was a very fussy eater as a kid, then I had restrictive anorexia, and nowadays I wouldn't buy something like that even if I wasn't keeping it down cause of the cost, so there are actually quite a few things I haven't ever tried. anyway, even when I've been doing well and gaining weight previously I somehow never would have picked this sort of thing. I automatically went for lower calorie options...maybe a chicken panini or something. I challenged myself on some levels with dense things like PB and fruit juice etc...but the sort of very 'normal' foods like this were way off limits and I'm not sure I even realised it. in any case, I wanted it and after my 3am conversation I realised that if a mentally healthy person was in my position, a small sandwich volume wise packing nearly 500 calories would be exactly what they'd pick. I also have a whole 8 inch (I know, gasp) Pizza Express margherita to eat later tonight (1/2 price in Tesco, UK people :) ). anorexia can fuck off, it's so much easier mentally and physically to eat like a normal person trying to get calories in! I actually wish I'd felt up to increasing today too, but my feet are still horribly swollen and I want to see if the edema will go down a bit first cause I know it'll flare up again when I add in more calories. but, stay tuned for when I do in the next week or so ;)

I'd actually like to start using this blog to narrate what I'm eating daily for awhile, for some kind of accountability to myself. Hope this is ok with everyone :) note that this is about 1500 calories, and please look at it bearing in mind my individual circumstances. obviously generally more is needed to gain, and I will be increasing, but I started from a low intake and a low weight and it is recommended to gain on a lower level for a short amount of time til the body adjusts. anyway. this is me for today, both already eaten and planned...

breakfast: two Oatso Simple sachets (one cinnamon one golden syrup!) with 30g raisins cooked in

lunch: Costa tuna melt panini

dinner: 8 inch Pizza Express Margherita pizza

snack: debating between a bar of Dairy Milk and a blueberry/pistachio Eat Natural bar. will see what I'm craving when the time comes ;)

another annoyance, can't find my camera or I totally would have snapped pics of all of these! but again, coming up...

there's a half empty squeezey jar of Discovery Salsa sitting on a shelf in our kitchen. last night while I was standing in the kitchen waiting for the kettle to boil, a random urge to smell this jar of salsa came over me. haven't a clue why, but just the smell of it took me back in a wrenching, almost painful way to about August/September time. when I was trying to gain weight and having problems with delayed gastric emptying, I devised a lot of low fat/low fibre meals. one of these was salsa on a tortilla with low fat mozzarella cheese and sausages or tofu. now the salsa is sitting there sadly abandoned because just the concept of keeping down such a complete 'meal' is terrifying to me. a lot of the time I just live minute to minute and the reality of how bad things have gotten doesn't hit me. but last night it really did.

compared to late summer my days resemble some kind of bizarre futuristic torture chamber. I wake up, aching all over from the mattress which seems to poke through the two blankets I've folded over it, and turn over hoping not to have to get up. when I do, after a few dodgy attempts at standing, the muscles in my legs feel like I ran a marathon the day before. trust me, I did nothing of the sort. I debate the merits of a cigarette before breakfast, because the potential to pass out is fairly high. after making it through making breakfast, with a few trips back to my room to sit down so my housemates don't see that I'm not so great on the vertical-ness, I eat it slowly while reading BBC news. for some reason I feel the need to reheat my porridge in the microwave maybe two or three times, because it has to be almost burning my tongue. this irritates me immensely, partly because I find it pathetic and partly because standing makes my legs ache again at that hour of the morning and before some calories have made it past my digestion of doom into my system.

in the day, it's rare that I accomplish much. somehow small tasks seem to become mountains and the relative energy they require is daunting. funnily enough I always make it to the supermarket without fail. what I buy varies, but it always includes two 250g packs of butter. yes, I keep the dairy industry going. I tend to also try and make it at the optimum time to scour the reduced section. when you're going to eat everything you buy that night and not digest it anyway, best before dates don't tend to matter to you. I have a massive handbag to bring my shopping in because my housemates would be somewhat confused to see me buying so much given how ridiculous I look. later on in the day I repeat the porridge fiasco but with other foods, soup is another one which irritatingly has to be reheated over and over. I drink black coffee and Pepsi Max or Diet Irn Bru, and rotate coffee/soda/mouthful of food over and over like a quiet rhythm which will keep me grounded. after eating I have more energy and the potential for being able to do normal things like push a supermarket trolley or hang up my laundry without needing to sit down and rest is improved.

about 10 o'clock I start cooking, if everyone's in bed. sometimes I crave certain things and get into a habit of having them, a lot of the time though I rely on cheap staples like toast, spaghettios or supernoodles. something to sit and eat mindlessly. there are very few savoury foods I don't add disturbing amounts of butter too. tastes change bizarrely with starvation...the idea would have disgusted me at a more reasonable weight. there is a high, a thrill in eating, but more and more I dread the night going on and feeling more and more drained and scared and alone. inevitably most nights I will at some point lose feeling in my feet and calves, and start swaying, then get it back with a strange buzzing sensation. concerning initially, but now that it's routine and I'm fairly sure on the origin (electrolytes) I tend to ignore it and down more Sando K. this is how I ended up waiting for the kettle to boil, needing more water to purge over, and over, slightly dazed and trying to distance myself from it because I feel so physically dire, actually feeling relieved when I can taste pure acid because then I am 'allowed' to stop, of course how I feel physically is nothing to the emotional torture I would put myself through if I thought I hadn't gotten rid of every last morsel of food. along with showering, lying down while the world spins around me in those moments is one of the most rewarding times of my day. ultimately, extremely pathetic.

sometimes reality hits me in those times, at 2 or 3am when my heart is racing and jumping in my chest. it's sad, that someone would do this to themselves. someone, who, I once thought, had a life or at least a semblance of one. who ate tortillas with salsa and was scared about the future but hoped to face it head on.

it's probably unsurprising that Katie inspired this post, along with the salsa. I've also wanted to be brutally honest with myself, and anyone else who reads, for awhile and write something to show what the experience of being very ill with my ED is like for me. I know I can be in a lot of denial, and come across quite 'together'...I'm at uni, I 'get along' in life, maybe being at a low weight isn't so bad? it is, and I know it on some level too. unfortunately I don't have an ending to my story yet, a way to look back on how things are now. guess I'm going to have to build one from now...

I like Pink Floyd ok? don't mock the title, my parents music is still cool :D



this is what happens when you take two eating disordered girls out for a day trip!
kidding...sort of ;)
I was shopping today with one of my friends in the Metro Centre, this is from our Starbucks trip. my Trek flapjack & americano, her soy latte. first time trying the flapjack, I was SO excited to find it in Boots! I loved the texture and the soya crispies, but to be honest I found the cherry flavour a bit artificial, I'm hoping I'll like the oat crunch one better. I'm really glad I got something interesting and 'different' to eat today cause I'm feeling so uninspired and horrible/guilty about everything I eat recently. just seems to taste like dust in my mouth and I can't shake the feeling that I don't 'need' it and I should probably scratch my own eyes out for 'not harming myself enough' by eating more. to be honest I wish I would wake up tomorrow a kilo heavier, which is where I've been wanting to get too cause it's a less 'risky' bmi, then I can stop :( sorry to be so depressing but I just felt like I couldn't handle it today.

on a brighter note I did have a lot of fun shopping, to be honest I always have fun with this particular friend of mine but we did some great stuff today :D I got a t-shirt in Topshop and a pair of denim shorts in Miss Selfridge, both in the sale for £7! plus I think the actual highlight of the day was the coin operated massage chairs we decided to use for a laugh! I took a pic which I will link just for the amusement factor, I don't want it directly in my blog just cause I want people to be able to take their own choice whether to see it or not...I promise it's amusing and not deliberately 'triggering' but I've been open about around where my weight is sooo...I will stop rambling you get the point. Here you go if you want to see :) (ps YES the t-shirt was sort of a joke purchase. hey, if you can't take the mick out of yourself you know life is bad right? gotta laugh or you might cry) I actually want to go back just to get another massage on that chair right now! it was amazing. reminds me of back in 2008 when I was travelling in Asia and we got a Thai massage for 100 baht. ok this wasn't quite THAT good but still! reminds me of good times :)

I'm sitting up writing this post right now actually cause I'm trying damn hard not to binge/purge, which is pretty immense for me (actually trying not to, I mean). so even if I am having a shitty time and burning out/wanting to stop eating to gain, I am trying things. to be honest I am just sick and tired of it all. I can't even be bothered anymore and I really sometimes wish I just didn't know how or couldn't do it anymore. Binge/purge anorexia is just such a crazy up/down up/down of thrills and depressions and terror and mania, it's really difficult to cope with long term. although I hated the monotony of simply restricting and it didn't gel with my personality which is probably why I switched subtypes, this is so mentally and physically exhausting that I hate it as much as I love it. and to be honest what's depressing is that I know I only love it because I'm basically starving. anyone who's been underweight - just imagine being able to eat absolutely anything you've ever wanted or craved...guilt free, consequence free...I think you'll grasp the 'manic' 'thrilling' side of it. then if you imagine how far you could take that and the emotional, financial and physical toll...well, I don't know, that dilemma is my life with the illness basically. it's very difficult to try and brainstorm reasons to stop...physical dangers yes, obviously a big factor. but I have a lot of Sando K (potassium supplement) in my drawer and a tendency to think nothing will happen this time and/or not care about myself enough to worry. money...well I get by on my DLA and although I feel guilty it doesn't seem to be enough to make me really think. the most depressing thing is how much time & life I waste by doing this, hours and hours with nothing productive accomplished. but of course in the mindset of someone in physical starvation, there is nothing more important than food.
I don't want to write about this anymore, it's depressing me! but just wanted to start exploring a little of me and what makes my eating disorder tick. any reasons not to binge/purge on a postcard welcomed :)

had my appointment the other day too...I don't even know what to say about it, may do a post later at some point. it was ok but more and more I just feel depressed by the fact that I am allowed/even encouraged to maintain the weight I'm at...I don't feel like I should be that much of a 'chronic' case at this point in my life. but half of the frustration is directed at myself cause I know that MY behaviour has encouraged that label, and the fact that I'm not brave enough to speak out against it and decide that I want to gain weight is obviously playing a huge part. I don't know. going to close that subject now, again before it depresses me.

will focus on the positives, mainly that a) my concentration seems immense today (don't laugh, for me writing that whole post is good if it's not work related stuff!) b) I am still sitting here and not doing anything self destructive, c) even if I am itching to stop gaining, I am still forcing myself to get to the weight I originally planned to (I know it's not a lot but I have been so tempted to compromise even on that) and d) my favourite housemate is back today! so I am less lonely.
over and out :)

thought I'd start with a picture as I was feeling a bit lost for words ;)
this is my life atm. ok that's a lie, the English anthology SHOULD be my life, but I'm not getting round to it! however, the electric heater and the cute empty bowl which had porridge in it...yes!

I am ok, sorry if I worried anyone with my last post. It wasn't anything inexpicable, yes probably heart issues but caused by low potassium which is rectifiable and I just hadn't been taking enough supplements. On the other hand, my body seems to be a total lemon at the moment and I managed to badly bruise a rib the other day too which was rather unwelcome! Of all the things...argh. I thought it could be fractured or broken at first but the pain is virtually gone now so I'm hoping not. In any case...DEXA scan is due soon anyway. Fun times.

To be honest I feel like everything is falling apart on more than just a physical level lately though...I am very out of it and feel like, to use a bad metaphor, I'm driving without my hands on the wheel or something (I don't actually drive handsfree, don't worry! I mean in life in general...). I keep thinking...'WHY would you do this to yourself? why would anyone in their right mind want to put themselves through this?'...it's ridiculous. it's less than a year since I last ended up at a bmi in the 12s, and then I swore I would never go through that again. yeah, didn't work. obviously. mental illness is not easily controlled through willpower: must remember that. however I refuse to let this go as far as it did before. I've been genuinely eating enough to try to gain for the past 2/3 days and my weight was up a kilogram this morning. cue freakout, yes. but actually a fairly conservative jump which may even out a bit seeing as my calves feel like balloons and my stomach like a rock :P I am trying not to let it get to me!

I was supposed to have an appointment today with my support worker but like an idiot I got the wrong day and it's tomorrow! Annoying seeing as I was really upset/scared and finding it hard this morning and just wanted to vent, but luckily I have blogging for that! When I saw my GP the other day I stopped 'cheating' my weight, I'd been pushing it up through stupid methods by like 3/4kg before, so hopefully now I'm being honest with them I can get better support. I think I knew that I would have to either a) gain myself or b) go into hospital if they knew the truth, but now that's actually quite a welcome ultimatum (although it will be option A!). and heck, one kilogram down right?

my mind is totally wandering now (argh, maybe I will look back on this post and realise why I should keep eating and keep my weight up in a few weeks time!) so I will go and maybe edit later. hope everyone is ok and coming out the right side of the horrible weather if you're in the UK!

okay firstly, I am totally obsessed with that Rihanna song right now. I do this, playing songs over and over to the point where anyone around me wants to smash my laptop! luckily my housemates are all away so I can get away with whatever right now!

unfortunately, the snow and terrible weather is getting to me like many others in the UK at the moment. I'm at uni, and for a few days our boiler was broken so we had no heating or hot water, which as I'm sure you can imagine was pretty horrendous! I was warming my feet in a tupperware container filled with water from the kettle! luckily it's fixed now, but the sense of being stuck in and alone is still pretty scary, combined with the fact that walking anywhere in this much snow is a real mission, and driving is possible but not too safe really, and has to be done in the middle of the day.

I haven't been well physically at all which really hasn't helped matters. I almost don't want to go into it as it's so, well, embarrassing and insane, but as a short version, basically I had a combination of symptoms which suggest a possible heart attack a few days ago so ended up sitting alone in house frantically phoning NHS direct and panicking. no worries, I was ok and have now seen the GP for lots of blood tests, prodding and listening to my chest, will get more results back tomorrow and hopefully find out what's going on. plus I'll be seeing the ED team in a week's time. but in general I'm very scared...the only plus side is that I've been literally sitting in front of my electric heater eating every meal no negotiations for the past 2 days. I had lost a pound in the previous week, which probably didn't help as the last time I fell into the bmi range I'm in now I also got very medically unstable. I think it's too much when you're very fragile physically and you binge/purge a lot as I do, and this year the terrible weather isn't helping I'll bet. but I can tell that I'm not losing anymore and I feel a lot stronger physically. I won't say 'this is it' because with eating disorders there are no real 'moments of catharsis' at least for me. things do not suddenly become clear. I've had the same symptoms previously and didn't even seek medical attention cause I was less drastically underweight and though it therefore 'didn't matter'. I've had plenty of 'dramatic' (read: mind numbing) things happen to me through this illness and it hasn't made me recover. BUT, at least this incident has helped me get things on track so I can stay ok physically and buy time to work on recovery eh? trying to think positive :)

the downside to the snow is that it's made my food incredibly boring! when I get to the supermarket I'm so worn out from negotiating the snow that I can't think to buy anything new! basically, my supplies are made up of golden syrup Oatso Simple (love so much!), Fage, Coco Pops, Trek bars, various other cereal bars and soya chicken! ok at least I've got the sugar and dairy components covered eh?

Katie tagged me on a fun survey so I might have to bore you with 7 random things about me :P well, it's not like there's anything else to do while stuck inside in the snow!

1. I have dual nationality - I was born in New Zealand back when my dad worked abroad, but I have a British passport too. I've actually lived in Singapore, Fiji, Australia & Indonesia too :D

2. most of my family is from the north of England near where I'm at uni, my parents are the only ones who moved down to London. so I get mocked for my accent ALL the time...

3. I have scoliosis, not severe enough to need operating on but I had to see a consultant for check ins for years, and you can actually see that my ribcage isn't aligned at the right angle to my hips...bizarre stuff!

4. I used to play chess competitively and once played on the England U11 Girls team. now seriously, how embarrassing is that?! you all have to share your dark secrets with me now!

5. to steal an idea from Katie, I dyed my hair black with a blue tinge when I was 16. bearing in mind that I'm very pale skinned, I honestly can't imagine why I did this in retrospect! but it was amusing...

6. the same summer I dyed my hair (but after it had faded thankfully!) I worked as a lifeguard, which involves standing by a pool for hours in traffic light red shorts and yellow polo shirt. not my idea of fun!

7. I have a brother who's 12 years younger than me and one of the best things in my life, seriously :D! whenever professionals ask me if his birth contributed to my eating disorder I get the urge to slap them :P

hope I did this right...I think it's my first survey!