breathe slow
07:40 Edit This 7 Comments »
thought I'd start with a picture as I was feeling a bit lost for words ;)
this is my life atm. ok that's a lie, the English anthology SHOULD be my life, but I'm not getting round to it! however, the electric heater and the cute empty bowl which had porridge in it...yes!
I am ok, sorry if I worried anyone with my last post. It wasn't anything inexpicable, yes probably heart issues but caused by low potassium which is rectifiable and I just hadn't been taking enough supplements. On the other hand, my body seems to be a total lemon at the moment and I managed to badly bruise a rib the other day too which was rather unwelcome! Of all the things...argh. I thought it could be fractured or broken at first but the pain is virtually gone now so I'm hoping not. In any case...DEXA scan is due soon anyway. Fun times.
To be honest I feel like everything is falling apart on more than just a physical level lately though...I am very out of it and feel like, to use a bad metaphor, I'm driving without my hands on the wheel or something (I don't actually drive handsfree, don't worry! I mean in life in general...). I keep thinking...'WHY would you do this to yourself? why would anyone in their right mind want to put themselves through this?'...it's ridiculous. it's less than a year since I last ended up at a bmi in the 12s, and then I swore I would never go through that again. yeah, didn't work. obviously. mental illness is not easily controlled through willpower: must remember that. however I refuse to let this go as far as it did before. I've been genuinely eating enough to try to gain for the past 2/3 days and my weight was up a kilogram this morning. cue freakout, yes. but actually a fairly conservative jump which may even out a bit seeing as my calves feel like balloons and my stomach like a rock :P I am trying not to let it get to me!
I was supposed to have an appointment today with my support worker but like an idiot I got the wrong day and it's tomorrow! Annoying seeing as I was really upset/scared and finding it hard this morning and just wanted to vent, but luckily I have blogging for that! When I saw my GP the other day I stopped 'cheating' my weight, I'd been pushing it up through stupid methods by like 3/4kg before, so hopefully now I'm being honest with them I can get better support. I think I knew that I would have to either a) gain myself or b) go into hospital if they knew the truth, but now that's actually quite a welcome ultimatum (although it will be option A!). and heck, one kilogram down right?
my mind is totally wandering now (argh, maybe I will look back on this post and realise why I should keep eating and keep my weight up in a few weeks time!) so I will go and maybe edit later. hope everyone is ok and coming out the right side of the horrible weather if you're in the UK!
7 comments:
Love you and am proud of you for being honest with regards to your weight.
Good luck tomorrow, will be thinking of you lots.
Claire xoxo
Well done for ignoring the panic over your weight, it IS scary but less so then NHS macaroni cheese :P and the only way to make it less scary is to keep going. Losing weight just makes the weight that seems barely acceptable now terrifying. I know you know that but it's worth repeating!
I wouldn't say 'people in their right mind DON'T do this' because that makes me feel like I'm insulting you! But no, eating disorders are not the product of reason and logic. It becomes far more clear that they are illnesses rather than choices when people are very ill. It sucks, Fi, I wish you didn't have to go through all this again. I am really glad you were honest about your weight with your GP, good for you :)
You are one of my favourite people in the world and I have my fingers and toes and individual hairs crossed that you beat the shit out of your eating disorder. I refuse to stop believing in you, so there! I am always available for rawring at :)
i'm sorry that things feel so out of control. i know any jumps in weight are scary but it really isn't a bad thing right now... not that that helps to counteract the scariness, because, well what does? but still, i hope you can push through; as you said, it will be difficult to enjoy yourself if things continue like this. i am here for you, both in general and in the case that you need someone at a very late hour considering the time zones are so different.
i'm sorry if i was slightly odd yesterday, i was kind of out of it. by the way, i like porridge a lot. :)
erin
Hey beautiful,
I'm really glad that you didn't hide your weight at the doc's so that you can get the help and encouragement and support you need. I'm sorry about the appt time though, DOH!
Oh hunni, you're going through so so much right now and I know how absolutely isolating that can feel... I'm guessing that is not at ALL helped by the crazy weather you're experiencing at all.
Please know that you're NOT alone even when you feel it. Please email us (and I'm always happy to recieve emails) or contact crisis lines, even just to chat for 10 minutes about tv or something, whatever you need to do to get through....
Cause honestly, I don't think the weight stuff is JUST about the eating disorder, I'm guessing the ed and weight go beyond everything else. I don't know what but... arghhh.... I just feel like YOu feel you're so alone.
Please know that I care and am thinking of you lots.
I'm proud of you for keeping going even when the ed wants to consume you and devour you whole. You are precious and valuable and you're ABLE to kick butt Fi!
Hang in there,
Love Telly
xoox
(ps, hope this made sense?!?!?0
Awww lovely sending big hugs right now. I know you will make it through this. Know that nourishing your body will calm down your mind, lessen your anxiety and make life a lot more enjoyable.
Honesty is definitely the best policy, you only cheat yourself by lying.
Love xxxxxxxxxxx
Thanks for your lovely comment on my blog :-)
Reading your post makes me want to give you a big hug! I want to rescue you from that difficult place...and tell you that it will all be ok.
I know any weight gain is terrifying and that at a BMI of 12 your mind does weird things anyway (unfortunately I've been there too), so please do push for as much support as you can get.
I know you don't know me very well yet, but I'm here if you ever want someone to talk to.
Take care
Sarah x
No worries about not commenting, etc! You need to focus on yourself and I would much rather you were scatterbrained as you put it and making progress :) Not that I don't miss you (because I always do!) but I would never want to place you under extra stress or pressure from blog reading and the like.
I'm relieved that you finally have an electric heater! Although an empty porridge bowl is always a good sign too ;)
I relate to so much of what you said about knowing that we shouldn't be abusing ourselves but unable to stop, though obviously the context is different. It is so crucial that our respective illness have nothing to do with rationality, logic, or even conscious thought at times. Please don't be too scared by the kilogram because if your calves feel like balloons then I'd imagine that most of it (if not all) is due to water retention. I'm sure you know that anyway though but it doesn't hurt to re-emphasise it.
At a BMI as low as yours anyone's thoughts would be scattered: don't blame yourself for getting into this position again because that implies that you chose to do it. As the wise Katie has already said, illnesses are not choices.
I hope you are keeping warm and have your wonderfully groovy socks on :)
Love
~Jess~
xoxoxo
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