russian roulette
13:20 Edit This 5 Comments »
okay firstly, I am totally obsessed with that Rihanna song right now. I do this, playing songs over and over to the point where anyone around me wants to smash my laptop! luckily my housemates are all away so I can get away with whatever right now!
unfortunately, the snow and terrible weather is getting to me like many others in the UK at the moment. I'm at uni, and for a few days our boiler was broken so we had no heating or hot water, which as I'm sure you can imagine was pretty horrendous! I was warming my feet in a tupperware container filled with water from the kettle! luckily it's fixed now, but the sense of being stuck in and alone is still pretty scary, combined with the fact that walking anywhere in this much snow is a real mission, and driving is possible but not too safe really, and has to be done in the middle of the day.
I haven't been well physically at all which really hasn't helped matters. I almost don't want to go into it as it's so, well, embarrassing and insane, but as a short version, basically I had a combination of symptoms which suggest a possible heart attack a few days ago so ended up sitting alone in house frantically phoning NHS direct and panicking. no worries, I was ok and have now seen the GP for lots of blood tests, prodding and listening to my chest, will get more results back tomorrow and hopefully find out what's going on. plus I'll be seeing the ED team in a week's time. but in general I'm very scared...the only plus side is that I've been literally sitting in front of my electric heater eating every meal no negotiations for the past 2 days. I had lost a pound in the previous week, which probably didn't help as the last time I fell into the bmi range I'm in now I also got very medically unstable. I think it's too much when you're very fragile physically and you binge/purge a lot as I do, and this year the terrible weather isn't helping I'll bet. but I can tell that I'm not losing anymore and I feel a lot stronger physically. I won't say 'this is it' because with eating disorders there are no real 'moments of catharsis' at least for me. things do not suddenly become clear. I've had the same symptoms previously and didn't even seek medical attention cause I was less drastically underweight and though it therefore 'didn't matter'. I've had plenty of 'dramatic' (read: mind numbing) things happen to me through this illness and it hasn't made me recover. BUT, at least this incident has helped me get things on track so I can stay ok physically and buy time to work on recovery eh? trying to think positive :)
the downside to the snow is that it's made my food incredibly boring! when I get to the supermarket I'm so worn out from negotiating the snow that I can't think to buy anything new! basically, my supplies are made up of golden syrup Oatso Simple (love so much!), Fage, Coco Pops, Trek bars, various other cereal bars and soya chicken! ok at least I've got the sugar and dairy components covered eh?
Katie tagged me on a fun survey so I might have to bore you with 7 random things about me :P well, it's not like there's anything else to do while stuck inside in the snow!
1. I have dual nationality - I was born in New Zealand back when my dad worked abroad, but I have a British passport too. I've actually lived in Singapore, Fiji, Australia & Indonesia too :D
2. most of my family is from the north of England near where I'm at uni, my parents are the only ones who moved down to London. so I get mocked for my accent ALL the time...
3. I have scoliosis, not severe enough to need operating on but I had to see a consultant for check ins for years, and you can actually see that my ribcage isn't aligned at the right angle to my hips...bizarre stuff!
4. I used to play chess competitively and once played on the England U11 Girls team. now seriously, how embarrassing is that?! you all have to share your dark secrets with me now!
5. to steal an idea from Katie, I dyed my hair black with a blue tinge when I was 16. bearing in mind that I'm very pale skinned, I honestly can't imagine why I did this in retrospect! but it was amusing...
6. the same summer I dyed my hair (but after it had faded thankfully!) I worked as a lifeguard, which involves standing by a pool for hours in traffic light red shorts and yellow polo shirt. not my idea of fun!
7. I have a brother who's 12 years younger than me and one of the best things in my life, seriously :D! whenever professionals ask me if his birth contributed to my eating disorder I get the urge to slap them :P
hope I did this right...I think it's my first survey!
unfortunately, the snow and terrible weather is getting to me like many others in the UK at the moment. I'm at uni, and for a few days our boiler was broken so we had no heating or hot water, which as I'm sure you can imagine was pretty horrendous! I was warming my feet in a tupperware container filled with water from the kettle! luckily it's fixed now, but the sense of being stuck in and alone is still pretty scary, combined with the fact that walking anywhere in this much snow is a real mission, and driving is possible but not too safe really, and has to be done in the middle of the day.
I haven't been well physically at all which really hasn't helped matters. I almost don't want to go into it as it's so, well, embarrassing and insane, but as a short version, basically I had a combination of symptoms which suggest a possible heart attack a few days ago so ended up sitting alone in house frantically phoning NHS direct and panicking. no worries, I was ok and have now seen the GP for lots of blood tests, prodding and listening to my chest, will get more results back tomorrow and hopefully find out what's going on. plus I'll be seeing the ED team in a week's time. but in general I'm very scared...the only plus side is that I've been literally sitting in front of my electric heater eating every meal no negotiations for the past 2 days. I had lost a pound in the previous week, which probably didn't help as the last time I fell into the bmi range I'm in now I also got very medically unstable. I think it's too much when you're very fragile physically and you binge/purge a lot as I do, and this year the terrible weather isn't helping I'll bet. but I can tell that I'm not losing anymore and I feel a lot stronger physically. I won't say 'this is it' because with eating disorders there are no real 'moments of catharsis' at least for me. things do not suddenly become clear. I've had the same symptoms previously and didn't even seek medical attention cause I was less drastically underweight and though it therefore 'didn't matter'. I've had plenty of 'dramatic' (read: mind numbing) things happen to me through this illness and it hasn't made me recover. BUT, at least this incident has helped me get things on track so I can stay ok physically and buy time to work on recovery eh? trying to think positive :)
the downside to the snow is that it's made my food incredibly boring! when I get to the supermarket I'm so worn out from negotiating the snow that I can't think to buy anything new! basically, my supplies are made up of golden syrup Oatso Simple (love so much!), Fage, Coco Pops, Trek bars, various other cereal bars and soya chicken! ok at least I've got the sugar and dairy components covered eh?
Katie tagged me on a fun survey so I might have to bore you with 7 random things about me :P well, it's not like there's anything else to do while stuck inside in the snow!
1. I have dual nationality - I was born in New Zealand back when my dad worked abroad, but I have a British passport too. I've actually lived in Singapore, Fiji, Australia & Indonesia too :D
2. most of my family is from the north of England near where I'm at uni, my parents are the only ones who moved down to London. so I get mocked for my accent ALL the time...
3. I have scoliosis, not severe enough to need operating on but I had to see a consultant for check ins for years, and you can actually see that my ribcage isn't aligned at the right angle to my hips...bizarre stuff!
4. I used to play chess competitively and once played on the England U11 Girls team. now seriously, how embarrassing is that?! you all have to share your dark secrets with me now!
5. to steal an idea from Katie, I dyed my hair black with a blue tinge when I was 16. bearing in mind that I'm very pale skinned, I honestly can't imagine why I did this in retrospect! but it was amusing...
6. the same summer I dyed my hair (but after it had faded thankfully!) I worked as a lifeguard, which involves standing by a pool for hours in traffic light red shorts and yellow polo shirt. not my idea of fun!
7. I have a brother who's 12 years younger than me and one of the best things in my life, seriously :D! whenever professionals ask me if his birth contributed to my eating disorder I get the urge to slap them :P
hope I did this right...I think it's my first survey!
5 comments:
So glad you are trying hard to look after yourself a bit better now. I know how scary all that stuff can be and i really don't want anything awful to happen to you :(.
What did the doctor think it was exactly? Did he think it was a heart attack? It's probably hard to tell at the later stage like it was with me when i had a similar thing, i expect, but whatever happened it is a clear warning sign. I don't know...as bad as it sounds, maybe you needed this you know? To make you stop and think 'whoa i don't want to die frrom this so things need to change'.
Being alone in the house on your own must be horrible :( and i really hope one of your housemates will be back there soon (and that the snow clears, for your sanity as well as mine!) If i could i would come and stay with you!
Love you honey, here for you anytime xoxox
Oooh hunni *scary* I'm really glad that you've been sticking to the MP since the scare... I know that you're capable of overcoming all this but I know how damn hard it is in the process. Oooh it really doesn't sound like the weather is helping AT ALL. :(
I didn't know you lived in Aus, which part?? Very cool :)
Thinking of you hunni, lots and lots. You're worth care and concern and being able to look after yourself for! xo
xoxox
Ohh my goodness, I cant believe you had no heating in this weather, its so so cold! The snow and stuff is worse over in England as well, Im glad to hear you got your heating back but that must have been awful!
That is pretty scary about your symptoms, I hope your results come back clear but please do remember that people with eds can suffer heart attacks at very low weights and even higher weights especially if you purge the risks are high, its all to easy to say ' that wont happen to me' or to think just because you've been like this before and got away with it, that may not happen again.
Please be careful, your so fragile at the minute that the cold etc is harder on you than most people and is probably taking a lot out of you.
Ok sorry I sound like Im lecturing you and I dont mean to, Im just concerned thats all.
Thats really cool you've lived aborad, Im sure that was pretty interesting.
Take care, xox
You rock :D I didn't know you had lived in Indonesia, that's so cool!
I already said this to Jessica, but I am going to win the lottery tomorrow, then I can kidnap you two and take us all to live somewhere on the equator. Best plan ever.
I'm really glad you've gotten back on track now <3 if scary stuff happens at night again you can always text me and I will get online and keep you company while you're waiting for NHS direct to call back. Lets hope that the UK thaws out soon...
Oh my goodness, I wish I had read this post earlier when I was online! If I'd known the trouble you were in with the heating I would have offered that you could have come and stayed with me for a few days or at the very least loaned you my fan heaters. I can't bear the thought of you all alone in this godawful weather shivering and with no hot water. I'm freezing the entire time so lord knows how you must feel. If you want anything different buying we could always get extra for you at the shops and drop it in during the middle of the day? Our driveways are lethal and we can only get out of them for pretty much a two hour window around lunchtime.
And I hope you're feeling at least a little better now. That is so frightening to think about what's been happening to you. You're incredibly stoical about it but please, please keep sticking to your food plan and e-mail me any time you think you might need something, no matter how big or small at jasriana@tiscali.co.uk (I check this more often as it's my main account)
I wish I could just trek over there through the snow and give you a hug...not that it would solve anything but I'm in tears reading this. Please stay safe!!!
<3 <3 <3
~Jess~
xooxoxo
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