hanging on in quiet desperation
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I like Pink Floyd ok? don't mock the title, my parents music is still cool :D
this is what happens when you take two eating disordered girls out for a day trip!
kidding...sort of ;)
I was shopping today with one of my friends in the Metro Centre, this is from our Starbucks trip. my Trek flapjack & americano, her soy latte. first time trying the flapjack, I was SO excited to find it in Boots! I loved the texture and the soya crispies, but to be honest I found the cherry flavour a bit artificial, I'm hoping I'll like the oat crunch one better. I'm really glad I got something interesting and 'different' to eat today cause I'm feeling so uninspired and horrible/guilty about everything I eat recently. just seems to taste like dust in my mouth and I can't shake the feeling that I don't 'need' it and I should probably scratch my own eyes out for 'not harming myself enough' by eating more. to be honest I wish I would wake up tomorrow a kilo heavier, which is where I've been wanting to get too cause it's a less 'risky' bmi, then I can stop :( sorry to be so depressing but I just felt like I couldn't handle it today.
on a brighter note I did have a lot of fun shopping, to be honest I always have fun with this particular friend of mine but we did some great stuff today :D I got a t-shirt in Topshop and a pair of denim shorts in Miss Selfridge, both in the sale for £7! plus I think the actual highlight of the day was the coin operated massage chairs we decided to use for a laugh! I took a pic which I will link just for the amusement factor, I don't want it directly in my blog just cause I want people to be able to take their own choice whether to see it or not...I promise it's amusing and not deliberately 'triggering' but I've been open about around where my weight is sooo...I will stop rambling you get the point. Here you go if you want to see :) (ps YES the t-shirt was sort of a joke purchase. hey, if you can't take the mick out of yourself you know life is bad right? gotta laugh or you might cry) I actually want to go back just to get another massage on that chair right now! it was amazing. reminds me of back in 2008 when I was travelling in Asia and we got a Thai massage for 100 baht. ok this wasn't quite THAT good but still! reminds me of good times :)
I'm sitting up writing this post right now actually cause I'm trying damn hard not to binge/purge, which is pretty immense for me (actually trying not to, I mean). so even if I am having a shitty time and burning out/wanting to stop eating to gain, I am trying things. to be honest I am just sick and tired of it all. I can't even be bothered anymore and I really sometimes wish I just didn't know how or couldn't do it anymore. Binge/purge anorexia is just such a crazy up/down up/down of thrills and depressions and terror and mania, it's really difficult to cope with long term. although I hated the monotony of simply restricting and it didn't gel with my personality which is probably why I switched subtypes, this is so mentally and physically exhausting that I hate it as much as I love it. and to be honest what's depressing is that I know I only love it because I'm basically starving. anyone who's been underweight - just imagine being able to eat absolutely anything you've ever wanted or craved...guilt free, consequence free...I think you'll grasp the 'manic' 'thrilling' side of it. then if you imagine how far you could take that and the emotional, financial and physical toll...well, I don't know, that dilemma is my life with the illness basically. it's very difficult to try and brainstorm reasons to stop...physical dangers yes, obviously a big factor. but I have a lot of Sando K (potassium supplement) in my drawer and a tendency to think nothing will happen this time and/or not care about myself enough to worry. money...well I get by on my DLA and although I feel guilty it doesn't seem to be enough to make me really think. the most depressing thing is how much time & life I waste by doing this, hours and hours with nothing productive accomplished. but of course in the mindset of someone in physical starvation, there is nothing more important than food.
I don't want to write about this anymore, it's depressing me! but just wanted to start exploring a little of me and what makes my eating disorder tick. any reasons not to binge/purge on a postcard welcomed :)
had my appointment the other day too...I don't even know what to say about it, may do a post later at some point. it was ok but more and more I just feel depressed by the fact that I am allowed/even encouraged to maintain the weight I'm at...I don't feel like I should be that much of a 'chronic' case at this point in my life. but half of the frustration is directed at myself cause I know that MY behaviour has encouraged that label, and the fact that I'm not brave enough to speak out against it and decide that I want to gain weight is obviously playing a huge part. I don't know. going to close that subject now, again before it depresses me.
will focus on the positives, mainly that a) my concentration seems immense today (don't laugh, for me writing that whole post is good if it's not work related stuff!) b) I am still sitting here and not doing anything self destructive, c) even if I am itching to stop gaining, I am still forcing myself to get to the weight I originally planned to (I know it's not a lot but I have been so tempted to compromise even on that) and d) my favourite housemate is back today! so I am less lonely.
over and out :)
this is what happens when you take two eating disordered girls out for a day trip!
kidding...sort of ;)
I was shopping today with one of my friends in the Metro Centre, this is from our Starbucks trip. my Trek flapjack & americano, her soy latte. first time trying the flapjack, I was SO excited to find it in Boots! I loved the texture and the soya crispies, but to be honest I found the cherry flavour a bit artificial, I'm hoping I'll like the oat crunch one better. I'm really glad I got something interesting and 'different' to eat today cause I'm feeling so uninspired and horrible/guilty about everything I eat recently. just seems to taste like dust in my mouth and I can't shake the feeling that I don't 'need' it and I should probably scratch my own eyes out for 'not harming myself enough' by eating more. to be honest I wish I would wake up tomorrow a kilo heavier, which is where I've been wanting to get too cause it's a less 'risky' bmi, then I can stop :( sorry to be so depressing but I just felt like I couldn't handle it today.
on a brighter note I did have a lot of fun shopping, to be honest I always have fun with this particular friend of mine but we did some great stuff today :D I got a t-shirt in Topshop and a pair of denim shorts in Miss Selfridge, both in the sale for £7! plus I think the actual highlight of the day was the coin operated massage chairs we decided to use for a laugh! I took a pic which I will link just for the amusement factor, I don't want it directly in my blog just cause I want people to be able to take their own choice whether to see it or not...I promise it's amusing and not deliberately 'triggering' but I've been open about around where my weight is sooo...I will stop rambling you get the point. Here you go if you want to see :) (ps YES the t-shirt was sort of a joke purchase. hey, if you can't take the mick out of yourself you know life is bad right? gotta laugh or you might cry) I actually want to go back just to get another massage on that chair right now! it was amazing. reminds me of back in 2008 when I was travelling in Asia and we got a Thai massage for 100 baht. ok this wasn't quite THAT good but still! reminds me of good times :)
I'm sitting up writing this post right now actually cause I'm trying damn hard not to binge/purge, which is pretty immense for me (actually trying not to, I mean). so even if I am having a shitty time and burning out/wanting to stop eating to gain, I am trying things. to be honest I am just sick and tired of it all. I can't even be bothered anymore and I really sometimes wish I just didn't know how or couldn't do it anymore. Binge/purge anorexia is just such a crazy up/down up/down of thrills and depressions and terror and mania, it's really difficult to cope with long term. although I hated the monotony of simply restricting and it didn't gel with my personality which is probably why I switched subtypes, this is so mentally and physically exhausting that I hate it as much as I love it. and to be honest what's depressing is that I know I only love it because I'm basically starving. anyone who's been underweight - just imagine being able to eat absolutely anything you've ever wanted or craved...guilt free, consequence free...I think you'll grasp the 'manic' 'thrilling' side of it. then if you imagine how far you could take that and the emotional, financial and physical toll...well, I don't know, that dilemma is my life with the illness basically. it's very difficult to try and brainstorm reasons to stop...physical dangers yes, obviously a big factor. but I have a lot of Sando K (potassium supplement) in my drawer and a tendency to think nothing will happen this time and/or not care about myself enough to worry. money...well I get by on my DLA and although I feel guilty it doesn't seem to be enough to make me really think. the most depressing thing is how much time & life I waste by doing this, hours and hours with nothing productive accomplished. but of course in the mindset of someone in physical starvation, there is nothing more important than food.
I don't want to write about this anymore, it's depressing me! but just wanted to start exploring a little of me and what makes my eating disorder tick. any reasons not to binge/purge on a postcard welcomed :)
had my appointment the other day too...I don't even know what to say about it, may do a post later at some point. it was ok but more and more I just feel depressed by the fact that I am allowed/even encouraged to maintain the weight I'm at...I don't feel like I should be that much of a 'chronic' case at this point in my life. but half of the frustration is directed at myself cause I know that MY behaviour has encouraged that label, and the fact that I'm not brave enough to speak out against it and decide that I want to gain weight is obviously playing a huge part. I don't know. going to close that subject now, again before it depresses me.
will focus on the positives, mainly that a) my concentration seems immense today (don't laugh, for me writing that whole post is good if it's not work related stuff!) b) I am still sitting here and not doing anything self destructive, c) even if I am itching to stop gaining, I am still forcing myself to get to the weight I originally planned to (I know it's not a lot but I have been so tempted to compromise even on that) and d) my favourite housemate is back today! so I am less lonely.
over and out :)
9 comments:
You know I completely relate about binge/purge anorexia - it's the same for me. I'm so sorry to hear that you're having a hard time. I wish I could connect to MSN right now; I'm always here for a chat, I really miss talking to you! (ugh, hospital internet connection! :x)
There's more I want to say, but I would rather say it over IM. Hopefully we can catch each other online soon; if not, I'll probably PM you.
love you, Fi.
xx
Heather
i know i did not reply before about your appointment but i just didn't know what to say. i think it is so wrong that your team would infer that maintaining this weight is alright. it just adds fuel to the fire mentally & since your outlook on the situation is vital i think they have made a pretty severe mistake. really hoping you can still try getting to that weight. attempting not too much preachiness there.
i am glad that you are realistic about b/p-ing; honestly i agree and do not think it's feasible to break out of it when you are physically starved. it just cannot be expected. eh i am not much help in the reasons not to binge/purge department but i do want the best for you so you have my support always even if helpful advice is absent.
take care.
-e
*hugs*
I don't have much energy but I'm thinking of you...
I loved the photo hehe highly amusing indeed :)
Caring for you girl xoxo
I too can relate to the b/p anorexia thing...it was like being on a seesaw mood-wise..
Really glad you had a nice day out (bargain buys are the best!) and well done for the flapjack :-) I love flapjack mmmm...
Reasons not to binge-purge: you probably know most of them, especially danger to your potassium levels, heart, teeth and physical health, expensive, wastes time and energy...etc you are worth more than all of this.
I think it's shocking that you are being encouraged to maintain at where you are...you could really use a professional who isn't so narrowminded...are there are any charities/self help groups near you who might be able to help?
Like your positives at the end though :-) So much of YOU comes out in this post and I'm looking forward to seeing more of that...
If you ever want some support you can email me (coggeroo@hotmail.com)
Sarah x
It's difficult to know what to say,but I just really want to let you know that I care, everyone does and you need to. It sounds like such a nightmare situation you're in- what is wrong with some "professionals?!" The love/hate relationship with binge/purge anorexia sounds in a way even more so than purely restrictive ana.
You said:
"it's really difficult to cope with long term. although I hated the monotony of simply restricting and it didn't gel with my personality which is probably why I switched subtypes"
Of course it's difficult to cope with long-term, anorexia cannot be a lifestyle choice, it's not something which can fit with anyone's personality, it is an illness and you don't have to "live with it." You deserve so much more.
Love and hugs,
Keep on going sweetie,
xxxxxxx
Fi, it is awesome that you're trying to focus on the positives. No wonder you feel so confused and conflicted right now given your recent appointment. I know from firsthand experience how scary it can be to be considered chronic and virtually written off at a young age. Although that may not have been their intent, it certainly felt that way in my situation.
The thing is though that you don't have to accept that that is the case and the brilliant thing is that you don't seem to be wanting to accept that this is how life will always be for you. And you're so right, it doesn't have to be. Although there are times when it feels easier to stay status quo, imagine the endless possiblities there are out there for you should you choose recovery! There is a life for you outside of the anorexia and bulimia waiting for you. I'm sure it is scary to consider but oh so exciting too!
Sempre,
Raphaella.
You already know what I think about your bloke. I don't think anyone should be written off as chronic, and certainly not at 21. But lots of people who are labelled like that do recover, it's not something that is concrete or absolute, it's just professionals being cynical. Cynical professionals are proven wrong all the time! I still believe in you and there is nothing you can do to change my mind about that :P
I LOVE that photo, it's hilarious :P bad Fi! In the nicest way possible, of course...
Reasons not to b/p...hmm. I used to feel very similarly about self harming. It caused a similar endorphin rush, filled time and provided a distraction, changed my mental state and hurt no one but myself. Since it felt comforting rather than punishing there was very little incentive to stop. I think eventually I just decided I didn't want to be that person anymore. It is supposed to be very difficult to break the addiction to cutting yourself, and you know what I'm like if something is meant to be very difficult :P I have to go and do it to prove that I can! One I had stopped that became my reason for continuing - I didn't want to break my streak. I suppose when the health risks don't seem real and you don't care much about yourself, sometimes that sort of reason can become something to hang on to. Just wanting to prove people wrong and to be someone different, someone who can take care of themselves without a crutch or an illness, someone who is not going to be dependent on services forever.
Don't let the bastards get you down :P we all still love you!
Seriously Fi, most health 'professionals' in the UK are willing to give up on anyone that popping a pill doesn't cure. I've said the same to Katie and please don't write yourself off as a hopeless case. I will NEVER (yes, it deserves capitals) accept that you can't beat this and get to a healthier BMI.
I know exactly what it's like to be totally non-productive and fixate on food for every hour of the day because I spend ludicrous amounts of time looking up all of the yummy vegan products that US bloggers can buy and 'pretending' to order them (i.e filling an online trolley and getting right through to the payment point but not actually buying them) And I'm not in physical starvation! Honestly, one of these days I'm going to entitle a chapter of my thesis 'The impact of peanut butter on twentieth century interpretations of Christopher Marlowe' and hand it in. Now that would be interesting.
I'm so sorry you still see binge/purge anorexia as a preferable subtype. I know it *seems* ideal, to be able to eat whatever you want, but I just can't see purging that way. I've binged for years and tried to purge maybe five or six times? Honestly, it scared me how badly our bodies to react to it. You mentioned when we met that you were concerned about your teeth. Well, they might be lovely now but a couple more years of purging and they won't be. You could have a heart attack for real, burst blood vessels in your eyes (I'm sure that's happened to long-term bulemics who have purged repeatedly for years), wreck your stomach so that you're in constant pain...it's abusing yourself and you just don't deserve that.
Phew! Lecture over. It's great that you had a lovely shopping trip and I'm so relieved that your flatmate is coming back :) I also love your t-shirt as I have a morbid sense of humour myself.
Don't love the eating disorder, please try to love yourself instead (because think you've got a self worth loving)
*hugs*
~Jess~
xoxox
I dont really know what to say. I think its rediculous that your treatment team say itsok to maintain the weight your at. I just hope you are able to see yourself that its not right to be at your weight and just how dangerous it is.
I know the allure of purging, but the stress it puts on your body is incredible. Your getting off with it now but what if someday you arent so lucky?
The only reason Im nattering on is before Id hate for something to happen to you.
xox
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