running up that hill

best breakfast ever!
Fage 0% w/ agave, Coco Pops moons & stars, and 30g yogurt coated raisins (I think it was Jemima who called these 'crack beans'? it's an apt name!)
also a pear and crack in a mug which I didn't snap.

it is SO freaking hot here and driving me absolutely up the wall. still, my dad was awesome and we stopped in Argos and bought a revolving tower fan for my room. I live in the attic so it's cold as hell in winter (used to sleep in jeans/hoodie when I was ill, ugh) and ridiculously hot in summer. he also bought me a couple of basic vest tops. weight gain is a fantastic way of getting your parents to be very benevolent about buying you clothes, lol. we also had lunch in Pret, I got the Italian Chicken Salad (chicken, caesar dressing, parmesan, red peppers, tomatoes, black olives, lettuce) which was SO nice, and a bit of a challenge cause I hadn't a clue about the nutritional info. I need to be able to just pick something I want though, instead of 'fitting it in' to what I feel is 'allowed'.

I then got home and went through all my stuff (I am so messy, this took awhile!) and got together everything that is either a) stupidly small or b) stupidly big, ready to chuck/sell/give to charity. I have decided that at my first 'target' which I set myself for going back to university I will probably be a UK 8. and at a totally healthy weight maybe an 8/10 depending on the shop. so everything in a 6 or a 12 is being got rid of. don't know why I even OWN clothes in a 12 seeing as I've never got to a healthy weight but obv y'know, ED likes stupid baggy stuff. which from now on will be no more. I'm going to be really fucking sad throwing out some of my clothes, but I need to make relapse a non-option. there's one pair of jeans I wore constantly at my lowest which I love, but just need to disappear. it's even difficult and triggering to wear them now cause it reminds me of when they were falling off/bruising my hips etc and it's just not a positive thing.

anyway, after the big clothes reshuffle I had a snack consisting of a pear, a bottle of sugarfree blackcurrant juice, and a kiddie ice lolly. anyone know those ones with strawberry/chocolate ice cream and little 'bobbly' crunchy bits on the outside? SO childish, but so fun! promise I will take a pic when I next have one.

OH ETA: found a pic! cute or what?

sooo event of the past few days...NEW CAR!
ok, not reeeeally my car exactly, but I'm going to be the only one using it for a few years probably so I am going to take temporary custody of it anyway ;)
my old car was a 12 year old green VW Polo called 'Shrek' because he's green and I'm Fiona! we got very attached to one another, he may have been old but he was sturdy and took me on lots of adventures! anyway, the time came when we had to give up on Shrek and with this government scrappage scheme thing my dad bought a new Mini and traded in Shrek. sooo...picture?



I haven't named the Mini yet, but it's an awesome drive. I love driving so much, I'm basically like a boy, and I'd never driven anything except Shrek and my instructor's Corsa for the entire three years I've been driving.

So, round up of my first day with the new car?

had a late lunch at Starbucks and didn't snap it, but managed something I've wanted to try for quite awhile, the chicken/red pesto pasta salad. along with a grande coffee frap. don't really know why but pasta = not an easy food for me to keep down. I think I don't trust the serving sizes very easily and I feel like it's easy to eat too much of it. but this was the perfect portion and tasted awesome.

did some shopping of both the food and clothes variety after lunch. now you get a pic of meeeee :)


can't see my new clothes that well but w/e. just bought loose stuff now but when I've got to my first tentative 'target' me and jeans shopping have a date.

dinner was out at Carluccio's...oh FCUK another challenge lol. I had the linguine with squid, mussels, chili and garlic. to be fair this was a huge portion I thought, but I reckon I was quite sensible about it and ate at least three-quarters before I decided I was full. oh and I also had some Bulmers, while telling my dad 'it has plenty of calories, I'd better start drinking those at home'. lol. love cider.

ah ps now I am posting food and such the standard applies: I'm following a plan but I won't narrate and/or picture everything I eat. so there will be stuff that's not on here ;) also my diet will probs seem on the low side atm as I've been on maintenance for awhile and am just starting to gain again so atm it seems I can meet my wt gain goals at 2200, it will be upped when/if needed!

FUCK.
(excuse my language :P)

today has been...eventful, put it that way. had my review/'family meeting' with my consultant and a whole bunch of other people from my local ED services. I was freaking out a heck of a lot and went in early, only to get in a total state and sit there on the brink of tears waiting to go in. first I had to get bloods done (apparently he is concerned because I wouldn't say how often I was b/ping...ok tbh I was so upset at the time I was asked that I couldn't think and just said 'I don't know, the same, or something'...oh dear) and also get weighed.

huuuuge news = I am FINALLY just over my discharge weight from IP. I had gone down and back up a couple of times but never managed to break that barrier. think I'm somewhere around the stupid bmi limit that I got so stuck on now. not going to even work it out exactly, I don't want to know ;). anyway, it basically means the first time I've genuinely gained on my own, without going to meals at daycare. I didn't tell anyone in the world I'd upped my diet cause I was so scared I'd fail. tbh I actually cried at the time I was weighed too, I was so fucking scared, but I think now I'm seeing the positives.

in terms of the actual meeting...I was basically told to choose between doing daycare 'properly' five days a week or 'leaving it' for a month and reviewing again to see if I'm 'ready' then. I said I wasn't sure and I didn't know what to do, so they told me that I would need to be fully committed and it's best to take the month to think about it. TBQH, if I can keep gaining at home this month that would be ideal and I won't worry about going back. I don't think anyone really believes I can, but hey, proving people wrong is fun no?

now I'm officially (and have told people, lol) on a weight gain diet, time to post some fooood! yay :)



lunch yesterday - tall skim caramel machiatto with chicken, bacon & blue cheese sandwich on sourdough




today's afternoon snack at Starbucks! tall coffee light frap & muffin

ok so I look like a Starbucks addict. but I had Pret for lunch today with my dad, I promise! usually I only take pics if I'm out cause err, my parents would think I'm insane! anyway I have great plans for tonights dinner...jacket potato/cheese and salmon salad. yum. also I bought two apple pie Larabars for 29p EACH in Sainbury's today :D (they run out of date at the end of May!) I don't like the Apple Pie as much as some other flavours but hey, who could turn that down!

can't believe I'm still doing this. but hey, I'll take it!
more updated-ness when I've decided what to do with my life sans-daycare. a whole exciting new world is opening up, lol.

goals for the coming week:
~ find some kind of voluntary work/job/way to occupy time, preferably not involving much exercise!
~ gain at least .3kg, more would not be a problem
~ try to keep my spirits up and keep doing something worthwhile every day

all for now
x Fi

Thank you everyone for the comments & insight about my decision. I have to say, Ellie, you are at bit of a genius, cause I spoke to my keyworker on the phone yesterday and the plan she suggested was exactly what you said, to ask if I can cut my days back to three a week instead of five! I'm actually really happy with that idea so I'm going to try and get it past my consultant on Thursday :)

I'm feeling a lot more motivated these past few days and I really want to just break down this 'barrier' I've created for myself and make some progress. This leads me to the (sort of) point of my post though. I've been thinking a lot about why I'm stuck, and what I'm doing wrong. A lot of the time I tell myself that I should just 'do it'...scratch the excuses and quit all ED behaviours, follow my meal plan to the letter and so on. To be honest, what else is there to say? I can talk about it all I want but that won't get my weight up, it won't help me make any progress mentally if I'm not doing the right thing. Thing is, I start with this intention a lot...then somehow, it gets too hard. The depression and anxiety I experience gets too intense, I struggle, go onto autopilot mode, almost seem to 'forget' what I'm meant to be doing. It's ridiculous and I beat myself up for it constantly. WHY I can't just get on with it I don't know. I'm not sure if this should be telling me that I should never have left IP, if I can't control this on my own. But regardless, that ship sailed and I really need to get on with things. I'm not sure what the point of writing all this out is cause it doesn't really help find a solution. I guess I'm just wondering if I'm the only one...sometimes it feels like I'm being stupid and stubborn and I should just be able to get on with it and do everything right. argh, I don't know.

Regardless, what I do know is that I am seeing more and more clearly the reasons I want to move on from this. I thought I'd give an exercise from Motivational Enhancement Therapy a go...

Positive functions of the eating disorder/fears about change & meaningful response to these fears

1) Staying at a low weight protects me from severe depression & out of control mood swings. Weight gain makes me vulnerable to these feelings and is therefore a source of huge anxiety, particularly as I have been suicidal in the past when closer to a healthy weight.
Response: Although maintaining a low weight does protect me from my emotions to a degree, I am really only completely numb to them when losing weight, and unless I want to die or spend my 20s in hospital, this isn't a viable long term strategy. The only way to permanently solve this problem would be to experience the weight gain and associated depression and attempt to actually address the problem rather than avoiding it.

2) Bingeing/vomiting is an easy way for me to 'check out of life' and avoid anxiety & stress. If I were to give up this behaviour I'd have to face up to the idea of being 'alone with myself' and dealing with whatever stress/problem comes up at the time.
Response: I can't keep using this as a 'free pass' to avoid anxiety, as it's a self-perpetuating behaviour and it easily cycles out of control. Honestly, I really don't think it's worth going back to absolutely wrecking my health and having no life outside the eating disorder just in order to run away from normal life.

3) The eating disorder creates a safe structure and predictability for me, there's always a simple solution to any problem. I'll also admit that it gives me a sense of competence to 'master' the dilemma of starvation vs. fearing weight gain by eating whatever and still losing weight. If I resolve to get my weight to a healthier level and not lose again I have absolutely no idea what I want to do, or how I will achieve any sense of 'happiness' or 'competence'.
Response: If I look at myself from an outsiders perspective, the 'safety' of the eating disorder is wasting my life. I used to be productive, sociable and even pretty intelligent! Although the 'achievement' of becoming very emaciated has meaning to me, to everyone else it was just pretty damn sad & scary. The future without my eating disorder might be unknown, but at least I will experience it fully, without it being clouded by malnutrition and irrational thoughts.

Ok I have to say I'm tired now. And that was depressing but hopefully a little helpful? I'm not sure.
xx

So, my first blog post.