Just Do It!
14:12 Edit This 6 Comments »
Thank you everyone for the comments & insight about my decision. I have to say, Ellie, you are at bit of a genius, cause I spoke to my keyworker on the phone yesterday and the plan she suggested was exactly what you said, to ask if I can cut my days back to three a week instead of five! I'm actually really happy with that idea so I'm going to try and get it past my consultant on Thursday :)
I'm feeling a lot more motivated these past few days and I really want to just break down this 'barrier' I've created for myself and make some progress. This leads me to the (sort of) point of my post though. I've been thinking a lot about why I'm stuck, and what I'm doing wrong. A lot of the time I tell myself that I should just 'do it'...scratch the excuses and quit all ED behaviours, follow my meal plan to the letter and so on. To be honest, what else is there to say? I can talk about it all I want but that won't get my weight up, it won't help me make any progress mentally if I'm not doing the right thing. Thing is, I start with this intention a lot...then somehow, it gets too hard. The depression and anxiety I experience gets too intense, I struggle, go onto autopilot mode, almost seem to 'forget' what I'm meant to be doing. It's ridiculous and I beat myself up for it constantly. WHY I can't just get on with it I don't know. I'm not sure if this should be telling me that I should never have left IP, if I can't control this on my own. But regardless, that ship sailed and I really need to get on with things. I'm not sure what the point of writing all this out is cause it doesn't really help find a solution. I guess I'm just wondering if I'm the only one...sometimes it feels like I'm being stupid and stubborn and I should just be able to get on with it and do everything right. argh, I don't know.
Regardless, what I do know is that I am seeing more and more clearly the reasons I want to move on from this. I thought I'd give an exercise from Motivational Enhancement Therapy a go...
Positive functions of the eating disorder/fears about change & meaningful response to these fears
1) Staying at a low weight protects me from severe depression & out of control mood swings. Weight gain makes me vulnerable to these feelings and is therefore a source of huge anxiety, particularly as I have been suicidal in the past when closer to a healthy weight.
Response: Although maintaining a low weight does protect me from my emotions to a degree, I am really only completely numb to them when losing weight, and unless I want to die or spend my 20s in hospital, this isn't a viable long term strategy. The only way to permanently solve this problem would be to experience the weight gain and associated depression and attempt to actually address the problem rather than avoiding it.
2) Bingeing/vomiting is an easy way for me to 'check out of life' and avoid anxiety & stress. If I were to give up this behaviour I'd have to face up to the idea of being 'alone with myself' and dealing with whatever stress/problem comes up at the time.
Response: I can't keep using this as a 'free pass' to avoid anxiety, as it's a self-perpetuating behaviour and it easily cycles out of control. Honestly, I really don't think it's worth going back to absolutely wrecking my health and having no life outside the eating disorder just in order to run away from normal life.
3) The eating disorder creates a safe structure and predictability for me, there's always a simple solution to any problem. I'll also admit that it gives me a sense of competence to 'master' the dilemma of starvation vs. fearing weight gain by eating whatever and still losing weight. If I resolve to get my weight to a healthier level and not lose again I have absolutely no idea what I want to do, or how I will achieve any sense of 'happiness' or 'competence'.
Response: If I look at myself from an outsiders perspective, the 'safety' of the eating disorder is wasting my life. I used to be productive, sociable and even pretty intelligent! Although the 'achievement' of becoming very emaciated has meaning to me, to everyone else it was just pretty damn sad & scary. The future without my eating disorder might be unknown, but at least I will experience it fully, without it being clouded by malnutrition and irrational thoughts.
Ok I have to say I'm tired now. And that was depressing but hopefully a little helpful? I'm not sure.
xx
I'm feeling a lot more motivated these past few days and I really want to just break down this 'barrier' I've created for myself and make some progress. This leads me to the (sort of) point of my post though. I've been thinking a lot about why I'm stuck, and what I'm doing wrong. A lot of the time I tell myself that I should just 'do it'...scratch the excuses and quit all ED behaviours, follow my meal plan to the letter and so on. To be honest, what else is there to say? I can talk about it all I want but that won't get my weight up, it won't help me make any progress mentally if I'm not doing the right thing. Thing is, I start with this intention a lot...then somehow, it gets too hard. The depression and anxiety I experience gets too intense, I struggle, go onto autopilot mode, almost seem to 'forget' what I'm meant to be doing. It's ridiculous and I beat myself up for it constantly. WHY I can't just get on with it I don't know. I'm not sure if this should be telling me that I should never have left IP, if I can't control this on my own. But regardless, that ship sailed and I really need to get on with things. I'm not sure what the point of writing all this out is cause it doesn't really help find a solution. I guess I'm just wondering if I'm the only one...sometimes it feels like I'm being stupid and stubborn and I should just be able to get on with it and do everything right. argh, I don't know.
Regardless, what I do know is that I am seeing more and more clearly the reasons I want to move on from this. I thought I'd give an exercise from Motivational Enhancement Therapy a go...
Positive functions of the eating disorder/fears about change & meaningful response to these fears
1) Staying at a low weight protects me from severe depression & out of control mood swings. Weight gain makes me vulnerable to these feelings and is therefore a source of huge anxiety, particularly as I have been suicidal in the past when closer to a healthy weight.
Response: Although maintaining a low weight does protect me from my emotions to a degree, I am really only completely numb to them when losing weight, and unless I want to die or spend my 20s in hospital, this isn't a viable long term strategy. The only way to permanently solve this problem would be to experience the weight gain and associated depression and attempt to actually address the problem rather than avoiding it.
2) Bingeing/vomiting is an easy way for me to 'check out of life' and avoid anxiety & stress. If I were to give up this behaviour I'd have to face up to the idea of being 'alone with myself' and dealing with whatever stress/problem comes up at the time.
Response: I can't keep using this as a 'free pass' to avoid anxiety, as it's a self-perpetuating behaviour and it easily cycles out of control. Honestly, I really don't think it's worth going back to absolutely wrecking my health and having no life outside the eating disorder just in order to run away from normal life.
3) The eating disorder creates a safe structure and predictability for me, there's always a simple solution to any problem. I'll also admit that it gives me a sense of competence to 'master' the dilemma of starvation vs. fearing weight gain by eating whatever and still losing weight. If I resolve to get my weight to a healthier level and not lose again I have absolutely no idea what I want to do, or how I will achieve any sense of 'happiness' or 'competence'.
Response: If I look at myself from an outsiders perspective, the 'safety' of the eating disorder is wasting my life. I used to be productive, sociable and even pretty intelligent! Although the 'achievement' of becoming very emaciated has meaning to me, to everyone else it was just pretty damn sad & scary. The future without my eating disorder might be unknown, but at least I will experience it fully, without it being clouded by malnutrition and irrational thoughts.
Ok I have to say I'm tired now. And that was depressing but hopefully a little helpful? I'm not sure.
xx
6 comments:
I really need to write something like this. I always mean to but seem to put it off. I'm glad you did it; you're wicked smart, Fiona, and just damn fantastic. It's amazing to know how far you've come, and how far you can go. I have a lot of faith in you. xo
I was just reading through facebook updates, and in response to one of my relatives saying that she needed to find her self esteem, my cousin Adam wrote this:
"What you need are nice solid goals. You may have them, but keep them in sight at all times and visualise them happening. Never lose sight of what you want. 99.99% is figuring out what you want."
I was going to say a similar thing to you. I have had the exact same problem in the past - starting out with really good intentions but then almost...forgetting. For the same reasons too - overwhelming anxiety and depression. The eating disorder doesn't solve those problems, but it does a damn good job of postponing them. This time, I have...don't laugh...actually made recovery flashcards :p yeah, I'm a nerd, I know. But it helps. I keep them in my bag and I look at them several times a day. I have one for things to remember (thoughts about losing weight/restricting are symptoms, I want different things to what the eating disorder wants for me, losing weight just postpones bad feelings rather than genuinely dealing with them, and so on), one for things I want/don't want (osteoporosis, to die, to live as a chronic anorexic for decades, to be a hermit, to keep dropping out of life), one for DBT coping strategies, etc. I know it sounds silly but I feel like having had an ED for so long I have to really bash myself over the head with all my reasons and motivations, otherwise the ED-default will sneak back in. It really does work too - when I read them I remember how I felt and how sure I was, how much sense it all makes, and it takes me right back to those feelings.
I really hope you can persuade your consultant to let you do three days a week, it sounds like a good compromise :)
I can't wait to see you and Shrek tomorrow!! Yay!
glad you are working something out with the day program!
Motivational Enhancement Therapy has been the most helpful thing I've ever done. Your post really reminds me of some of my not-so-distant-past posts... I wish i had some concrete useful advice for you, but I don't really know how I came to the decision that I was ready to move forward. I know I used a lot of MET though :P I think we know intellectually what we should do- both on a practical level with food/weight, but also the knowledge that...ED's suck. It's so much harder to break through those barriers and choose 'recovery no matter what'. I struggle with the same thoughts/feelings as you mention at healthier weights, but I'm not jumping ahead of myself thistime. I'm working at my own pace going forwards and dealing with things as they come up...
Your responses to your fears were incredbly rational and oh so true. The hardest thing about recovery is the length of the process. We're all capable of cutting out behaviours for a certain time, but it's building on positive mental changes that are the longer term solution and also the most difficult. I really, really hope you're able to give it a shot though Fi. Becuase I know life has so, SO much to offer a person like you.
Yeah.
x
Oh my goodness, you weren't at springfield were you? I was on the adolescent unit (merlin/wisteria) for 2 years.. It would be SO strange! I still go there for OP appointments...
Omg THERESA! I HATED that woman SO much. She is still the only person ever to insist that eating a tuna mayo sandwich, chocolate muffin and a nesquik midmorning is a 'normal' snack to have. All together. What a douche. She called me 'sad and pathetic' once, which didn't help... Ahh do you still go there for outpatient? Was Tara there? (girl who was on wisteria with me - very sad case :( oooh can't believe this! So exciting! Lol I'm so lame
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