Decision Time!
07:04 Edit This 5 Comments »Firstly, apologies to anyone who tried to comment on my last post and was frustrated by blogger! I think I've fixed it...well I hope...crossed fingers!
So I have been putting off and putting off updating this cause I'm stuck in that apathetic, depressed 'weight gain' mood, annoyingly. You know the kind...ten messages on my voicemail, can't seem to find the motivation to call people back, go out, get up in the morning...etcetera. I'm 'on a break' from daypatient cause I just plain didn't turn up for three mornings in a row. I have to decide by next Thursday if I want to go back or not, hence the need to start thinking about it! Please, anyone who reads this and sees me talking bullshit or not seeing things straight, let me know? I really want to make the right decision here but I never know when to trust myself.
Reasons to go back to daypatient
~ even if I don't complete the programme, I've got a 'target' in my mind about 7lbs above where I am now which I really do want to get to. 'the team' and my parents think I won't make it there without going back.
~ I have f-all else to do with my life! seriously, I'm a student living at home with none of my friends within 100 miles, so the opportunity to socialise with people my age is actually quite welcome
~ there are more groups & psychotherapy etc than I would be able to access as an outpatient
~ everyone else thinks I should (erm, lol, is this a bad reason?)
Reasons to stay as an outpatient
~ I was not doing well at all in my first week at daycare...I actually lost 3lbs in a week, and when I gained 2 back the next week I freaked out so much that I stopped turning up. I find it really hard to do things when I don't have control over the process, so there is a bit of concern that if I went back, freaked again and lost weight, I'd end up back in hospital.
~ again with the control...I find it a lot easier to eat at home. granted, it's cause I can have my little sneaky 'behaviours'...eating slower, choosing my own foods, using a teaspoon to eat my cereal blahblahblah. I don't do anything that would stop me from completing all my meal plan though, it's just 'comfort', and I've been successful following my plan that way, whereas I haven't been able to when it has to be in a hospital environment (I just compensate...)
~ I think the weight gain is too fast. it's basically a full IP meal plan from breakfast til afternoon snack. they say you only 'have' to gain 0.5kg a week, but if you actually followed the plan at home in the evenings and at weekends it'd be more like 1kg. I think I'd cope mentally a lot better with about 0.4 a week.
~ I don't really find the groups/therapy helpful. individual stuff is good cause it can be more, well, individualised. but I find that bulimic subtype anorexia is so different from restrictive type that I don't really benefit from a lot of the programme.
argh. so looking at that, honestly, my head is leaning WAY towards not going back. I just need to know if I'm talking rubbish and just trying to avoid. I'm going to phone my keyworker tomorrow or something and try to talk it through.
in other news, I HATE the heat at the moment. I feel so hot and disgusting...I always find that it's the way I feel in my body which bothers me more than how I look. I'm really damn frustrated with it cause it's only gaining BACK a couple of lbs which has me so depressed and hopeless. when I think about how much further there is to go I just have no confidence in myself whatsoever. I'm still a touch under my discharge weight and getting back there was such a battle, hence me starting to fuck around so much that I had to take a 'treatment break' or whatever.
I need to make some plans for the weekend to cheer myself up I think! I have some mini goals anyway...I need to get out and visit a friend or something, because sitting at home being depressed is NOT HELPING, lol. I'm also going to stick rigidly to my meal plan tomorrow and Friday. small goals.
ah btw this is what my maintenance plan looks like (and I have some photos but they are repeats which I took when I was less lazy and can't be bothered about everything!)
breakfast is two 'items'.
an item is usually cereal
(I have a thing for CocoPops cause I haaaaaate milk! so my milk has to turn chocolatey...I am secretly a child)
another 'item' would be yogurt and fruit, fresh fruit & fruit juice, toast & butter, and so on. you get the idea :) so I have two 'items' every morning.
more breakfast fun...Fage, honey, chopped fig, and CRACK (aka coffee)
lunch is a sandwich, possibly with fruit depending on how my stomach is. another sidenote on my food - I have very delayed gastric emptying and difficulty digesting things without a lot of pain. so I go verrrry lightly on the fruit/veg and wholegrains a lot of the time. apologies, but I will not fit into the typical 'healthy' anorectic stereotype ;) it's CocoPops and apple juice all the way for me!
afternoon snack is usually Fage 2% with honey and fruit. I think I'm getting into a rut! but it's sooooo good!
dinner can be anything, I have an exchange list. actually yesterday I had a personal size ham/cheese pizza with steamed spinach & lots of sweet chilli sauce for dipping. a bit intimidating, but really good!
and at night I have either 200mls of hot milk (yeah, ew, but lotsa good stuff in it) or a random snack like a cereal bar or something with coffee.
so um, sticking to that plan for two days. and I will bring pictures for accountability and food obsessiveness, hehe.
5 comments:
*poke* Fi! You've inspired me to resurrect my blog. <3
Oh yay, I can comment now!
Aw Fi. I know DP is tough, and the rate of weight gain can be scary. But did you give it enough of a chance or did you decide that it wasn't going to work before you even started? I hope that doesn't sound condescending or anything, it's just that that's the sort of thing I would do :p get myself so worked up about the whole idea that it never stood a chance. Did you tell the staff at DP exactly how you felt before you stopped turning up?
Gaining weight is difficult to cope with. I don't know if you can take a step back and keep reminding yourself that the feelings of disgust are just symptoms of the disorder though - it's not real. I know, if it was that easy everyone would recover instantly :p but doing that really does help take the power away from the thoughts. You are not disgusting, or hopeless. You are lovely and I would like to kick seven kinds of shit out of your eating disorder, although since it's currently attached to you I will refrain for the moment!
I hope you are doing ok <3
Thanks for the comment on my blog and in answer to your question I haven't tried another Nutri grain elevenses. Unfortunately I'm working this Bank Holiday, but I'll try to make the most of it.
I know how you feel about the weight gain. It took me a long time to get to a healthy weight, although my family would like me to gain more. And what Katie above says I agree with. You're strong and can beat this.
Heya :)
I read this post the other day but had no strength to comment...
Hun, I'm gonna be blunt and say, go with the DP. I KNOW that is scary and I'm fighting like hell at the moment to stay AWAY from all IP/DP like programs... but do not be stupid like me! The anorexia will make you do anything possible to not get the FULL amount of help you need and kicking and screaming is usually a reasonable indication that things are on track. Hun, if "everyone" that knows you well feels that you'd be better off with the DP, then it might be best to do that. But I think one of the comments (maybe Katie's?) that I briefly read suggested talking to them about yr fears and difficulties. Maybe there are no fixes, but maybe there are!
Goodluck and keep us updated k??
xoxo
yay I can comment now!
K...my opinion, since you asked :P It sounds like you and the program have the same goals just with different approaches to getting there. Can you honestly say that you are doing well on your own? Maybe the program isn't 'right' but no program is perfect and if you are struggling to manage at home all the time, where do you see things in a month/6 months time? Is there any way you could compromise and do day patient 3 days a week or something? That way you have accountability and support, but also a decent amount of time away from program to show yourself and everyone else that you are managing?
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