running up that hill

I guess it's time to introduce myself. I'm Fi, I'm 20 years old and an (interrupted) student of English & History at Durham University. Today I spent an approximate total of one and a half hours crying and shaking over a glass of milk with Nesquik. 

I guess it's time to explain this ridiculousness. I've been struggling with anorexia nervosa and some kind of related 'mood disorder' for the past six years. Hence the 'interruption' to my studies: I left uni in February to go into hospital and having discharged myself two months into treatment, am now living at home and attending a 'day programme' to deal with my illness. For the past few years, I've fitted the label of 'multi impulsive' or 'purging' anorexic...which in my world means that my scale thinks I have anorexia but the cashier at my local Tesco is more convinced it's bulimia. Forgive the flippancy, there are some things which have to be made fun of to make them less depressing! It was the persistent vomiting in combination with low weight which posed such a threat to my health before I left uni - I was eventually admitted to hospital for a potassium IV but I was unable to keep my levels up which led to cardiac arrthymias and eventually probably contributed to my decreased kidney function too. Luckily for me, I fell on my feet with an amazing GP and an on-the-ball specialist team back home, who admitted me within a week. After the two months in hospital, I'd reached what's considered a 'safe' or 'medically stable' weight and my bloods were also ok.

Now for the flip side of the story: and/or, the bad part. Despite reaching some level of stability in hospital, I still have a long way to go. I have a lot more weight to gain to reach 'healthy' and I must confess, I'm not really in the right state of mind. Having lost a fair few lbs since I left and finding it insanely difficult to comply with the day programme (hence tears over the milk!) I'm reaching a juncture where I really have to pull it together and decide what I want, and how to get it. Inspired by my amazing friend Katie, I decided to start my own little 'diary' to try and untangle things in my own head.

I know there's a big community of 'eating disorder recovery' blogs: I don't really know if I'm ready to fit into that just yet. I don't have any tolerance for my own bullshit and I don't want to write about how I'm 'really trying' and 'doing the right things' if I'm not. For the moment, I need to at least get back on track with maintaining my weight and thinking positively. 

Task one is to evaluate WHY I'm screwing around with the daypatient programme and if it is infact the right thing for me at this point. During my milk tantrums today I talked to one of the nurses about the problem I'm having - as a daypatient you aren't 'coerced' into doing anything. The motivation has to come from you, and as such, the responsibility lies with you. Although I was a 'voluntary' patient in hospital, I relied heavily on passing the responsibility for everything on to the treatment team. I refused to eat at first and could only 'allow' myself to agree to an NG tube when I knew that I would be sectioned if I tried to leave. I then 'allowed' myself to start eating solids and gain the weight I needed because I knew that I had to reach a certain BMI to discharge myself. You get the picture. My dilemma now? How I 'allow' myself to eat and maintain my weight now that I'm not being coerced, now that I'm not in medical danger. It's something I'm still very much struggling with, but one thing I know is that there's no mileage in continuing to push the boundaries as far as I can. If I keep screwing around until I am under 'threats' again, I won't ever be able to maintain any state of health on my own. Which I evidently need to do in order to get back to uni and have a life.

So. Apologies for possible rambling and obsessional focus on symptoms/food/MILK! To be honest, I have very little else in my life at the moment. but this is something that needs to change!