running up that hill

more music...I'm liking linking random songs I've been listening too lately :)

Billy Joel - Vienna

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
Are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

again, thank you to everyone who commented on my last post :D I gave a lot of thought to what you guys said and the situation in general. short version of my conclusion - I damn well need to ease up on myself! I spend so much time worrying when I'm making a real effort that it's 'not good enough', that I'm not 'doing recovery right' and so on. every time I struggle with behaviours or find it hard to disentangle my eating disordered thoughts my instant assumption is that I'm hopeless, and everyone is thinking that I'm not trying hard enough or am just plain doomed to failure. yesterday's anger at myself was a prime example to be honest. while I do believe that I need to 100% commit to a) weight gain and b) not restricting in order to succeed here, there are other facets of my eating disorder which don't work in that way at all. expecting myself to stop bingeing and/or purging immediately and completely would be like expecting myself to stop obsessing about food, or eating slowly, or worrying about eating at certain times. some things are inextricably linked to starvation, and while they can be worked on, they can't be 'controlled' like that. so, to be honest YES, I have no doubt that I will struggle with purging for some time yet, whether in terms of strong urges or actually slipping and doing it. I'll probably also struggle with actual binge/purging too, and to be honest it's a testament to my 'fear of failure' that both the other day and on other occasions in recovery I've purged 'normal size' amounts of food because I didn't feel it was 'so bad' (ridiculous, anyway). what's important, as so many of you helped me see, is that I become aware of my triggers and build up my ability to resist them. this is hard for me because (cliche ahead, I warn you) I can be very black and white in terms of my thinking. I've almost always relapsed in a sudden, very full on way. I can't stand to be stuck in a place where I feel like I'm 'not good at recovery and not good at my eating disorder either'. what I need to realise is that being 'good' at having a mental illness is just a sign of ill health, and recovery isn't ABOUT being 'good' at it in the first place. so from now on, a little compassion towards myself and some understanding of shades of grey may come in handy ;)

this line of thinking also really helped me to get things into perspective with regards to uni work and so on today too. I got an email back from my tutor who was actually incredibly understanding and helpful, and my senior tutor gave me an appointment and said there's almost certainly lots of ways she can help out :) it has always been a problem for me that I find it very difficult to give myself 'permission' to accept help or admit that I am struggling because of my eating disorder. I remember vividly last year being at uni but not seeking any medical help with my eating disorder for this very reason, while things got more and more out of control. after ending up in hospital for a potassium drip, I went in to see my GP and he told me he was very uncomfortable being responsible for me in the community at the weight I was, and that I should try to organise going home to seek treatment straight away. I wouldn't have admitted this at the time, but I remember the MASSIVE sense of relief I felt on hearing that. I had been forcing myself to keep up a facade of being 'fine', keep going to seminars, handing in work etc, and at the point I was physically the stress of it all was getting pretty unbearable. but at the time I found it too difficult and terrifying to admit this to anyone in real life, and so a doctor telling me I needed to pack it in was pretty much exactly what I was desperate for but unable to voice. I don't know if anyone's had the experience of being utterly rigid in avoiding food before an admission, but secretly being incredibly relieved to be 'told' to eat properly and not have to feel like death all the time when they went into hospital? cause basically, it was my version of that ;) I dread to think what I would have done to myself or what it would have taken to get me to 'admit defeat' if I hadn't gone in for that appointment, and more than anything else that really illustrates to me that I need to learn to ask for help and not be ashamed of being human. I had been worried that I was keeping up the same charade by staying at uni this year despite things being so bad, but I think that asking for help from my senior tutor was a huge step forward for me, small as it may sound.

moving on to actual day to day events rather than stuff whirling around in my head, I had an amazing time today :D I went to Newcastle with my friend Hannah for lunch & some shopping. I've known Hannah for years online but it's only this year we've become really close and starting spending a lot of time together. I could go on about how much I think of her, but she may read this and her head may swell :P seriously though, having such a close friend has really helped me lately. we're in pretty similar places with our eating disorders (and are pretty similar people, if you take away all that crap which hopefully we will!) but the amazing thing is, like I wrote about before with my friend from hospital, it's one of those rare relationships with another eating disordered person where it doesn't make things difficult. I've worried a lot about how it might get in the way in the past, but today reaffirmed for me that it really doesn't :)

as far as our day went, after trekking to Newcastle we did a bit of browsing in Fenwicks then headed to Yo Sushi for lunch. as my first time eating there, it really lived up to expectations! highlights for me were the handrolls, I had crispy salmon skin (don't balk until you've tried it!) and spicy tuna, and the breaded fried pumpkin croquette type thing. clearly more food was consumed :P but those were amazing. on a more serious note, I know that for both of us it was obviously quite difficult and a big achievement for both of us to have lunch out (why is lunch always harder than dinner? grr) so basically, yay for us :D we also did some shopping in Fenwicks food hall and I came away with some brilliant stuff. highlights (again, cause clearly the food is interesting but I don't want to bore anyone!) were strawberry marshmallow fluff, candied melon pieces, and reduced dark chocolate with peppermint. we did more shopping around central Newcastle then went for coffee, where I had the best soy latte ever (amazing barista! the foam looked like a heart!) and a marshmallow cupcake I also picked up in Fenwicks. I just got home a few hours ago and am still 'glowing' from such a brilliant day! OH, and forgive me for talking about the food so much (what did I say about starvation lol) but I had a great challenge this evening...I found one of those pretentious 'restuarant quality' or whatever ready meals in M&S reduced to half price. spaghetti carbonara. yeahhh, a bit intimidating. and I'd never tried it before weirdly! BUT, really nice :)

so I feel like I have rambled on enough and should maybe go to bed soon. but I'm glad I posted this, blogging has given me a lot to think about in the past few days. also, I feel like my concentration span/ability to blog coherently is improving :D which is brilliant!

edited to add a picture, cause I'm SO excited that I got my camera to work for 2 seconds! sorry for the crap lighting, due to the aforementioned short battery life. but basically I became a child and made a funny face out of my evening snack: english muffin with Philadelphia & strawberry marshmallow fluff, and yogurt with candied melon pieces. ok, so the food's a bit childish too. you'll forgive me right? ;)