dance with the devil
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So, I ended up purging last night and I am really pissed off and frustrated with myself :X
The whole saga reminds me very well of what I would occasionally do last summer...being happy enough with where I was and committed enough to not going right back to old behaviours that I wouldn't exactly start on a whole prolonged binge/purge 'session' but rather eat something, kind of like a fake 'meal' purely with the intention of purging it. To be fair it's better than where I was in very early recovery (stealing dry bread in IP to b/p on even when I was on 15 minute observations...ugh. look at that for an example of what starvation does to you) but it still just pisses me off, excuse my language!
What's even more frustrating is that I know exactly what my triggers are, it's blatantly obvious. I remember at about 11.30 going for a cigarette and getting horribly dizzy and my head spinning, then realising when I sat down that my stomach was basically eating itself with hunger (for context, I have dinner at 8 and a snack at 12). So, I sat down for a minute then made some food but it didn't seem to help and I was still feeling really off kilter and odd. I've accepted for a long time that this illness can be very much driven by physiological factors for me. Skip a meal and I start to get vulnerable and not think clearly. What irritates me though is that I didn't even go longer than 'usual' without eating. And while 4 hours is longer than I COULD be going, I have very delayed gastric emptying and it's often really hard for me to eat even that often. There seems to be no telling when I'll go from 'in pain' to 'about to fall over with hunger' and it's utterly confusing. Especially because why the hell am I suddenly hungry on 2500 calories, to the point of nearly passing out, when I wasn't hungry at all on 100? Ok don't answer that I know the answer :P I am just worried and frustrated with the prospect of having to stay 'on guard' for even the slightest hint of getting too hungry and so on for the entire time I am restoring weight, which kind of won't be a short process. It definitely seems to make me incredibly vulnerable to old thought processes and behaviours. And this was just a 'minor' example, as shown by the fact that I wasn't really 'hungry enough' to properly binge. But it did mean that I was feeling shaky and for me, eating 'in order to purge' is effectively allowing myself to 'dabble' in behaviours, because quitting purging is incredibly difficult for me given how much I was doing it when I was very ill and how long it's been going on for.
Ah also, I forgot to add the second of my 'triggers that I am far too annoyingly aware of'. About 2am I logged onto my uni account and realised that I missed a seminar last week without even remembering I was supposed to HAVE one, and got a slightly angry email from my tutor! Cue being worried about that, and pissed off as hell with myself that clearly things start to fall apart as I do 'better'. I was fine at uni and all when I was totally starving myself and losing weight stupidly fast, and also when I was maintaining a very low weight. But the past couple of weeks I've forgotten things several times and I've had sudden onsets of ridiculous tiredness. It winds me up. So anyway, that on top of the already shaky feeling I'd had ever since I got hungry before that snack was apparently just too much for me. Incidentally, I emailed back this morning explaining and made an appointment with my senior tutor to discuss getting me a bit of leeway academically, I'm only first year so I doubt she'll mind as she knows about my eating disorder and was really kind when I had to go inpatient last year. Which makes me feel a lot better.
So, try to forgive myself and move on? I don't know, I'm still frustrated. I know logically that no one who was purging as much as I was quits cold turkey. I also know that no one's recovery is perfect. Obviously I am still a perfectionist though ;) and it scares me cause I know I have to keep a handle on it with regard to my weight gain too, it can have such a knock on effect. The 'curse' of ending up effectively losing weight via binge purging is the terrible digestion you get, and the fact that I end up concerned that if I purge at all I'll end up actually losing a fair proportion of stuff I ate earlier and intended to keep down. Way to prolong the initial problem! Also, another knock on is that I woke up today at 12. SO irritating. I've been getting by on about 5 hours sleep to get 5 meals in without killing myself with pain (thank you delayed gastric emptying) so today is going to be one epic challenge. I might just drink some oil? Kidding. Partially :P
Oh on the positive side, I had my appointment plus weigh in yesterday and have gained 3.5lbs in the last week, and 7 since I started increasing :) and I was pretty darn happy about it! I actually expected it to be more given the water retention from not-purging (speaking of, I feel like my body has actually deflated this morning :S all my clothes fit differently and I had to down a can of Diet Coke as soon as I woke up so I wouldn't be 'tempted' to weigh myself cause I knew seeing the drop wouldn't help me...anyway). I will probably post about that more and be cheerful about it once I'm over being pissed at myself :)
The whole saga reminds me very well of what I would occasionally do last summer...being happy enough with where I was and committed enough to not going right back to old behaviours that I wouldn't exactly start on a whole prolonged binge/purge 'session' but rather eat something, kind of like a fake 'meal' purely with the intention of purging it. To be fair it's better than where I was in very early recovery (stealing dry bread in IP to b/p on even when I was on 15 minute observations...ugh. look at that for an example of what starvation does to you) but it still just pisses me off, excuse my language!
What's even more frustrating is that I know exactly what my triggers are, it's blatantly obvious. I remember at about 11.30 going for a cigarette and getting horribly dizzy and my head spinning, then realising when I sat down that my stomach was basically eating itself with hunger (for context, I have dinner at 8 and a snack at 12). So, I sat down for a minute then made some food but it didn't seem to help and I was still feeling really off kilter and odd. I've accepted for a long time that this illness can be very much driven by physiological factors for me. Skip a meal and I start to get vulnerable and not think clearly. What irritates me though is that I didn't even go longer than 'usual' without eating. And while 4 hours is longer than I COULD be going, I have very delayed gastric emptying and it's often really hard for me to eat even that often. There seems to be no telling when I'll go from 'in pain' to 'about to fall over with hunger' and it's utterly confusing. Especially because why the hell am I suddenly hungry on 2500 calories, to the point of nearly passing out, when I wasn't hungry at all on 100? Ok don't answer that I know the answer :P I am just worried and frustrated with the prospect of having to stay 'on guard' for even the slightest hint of getting too hungry and so on for the entire time I am restoring weight, which kind of won't be a short process. It definitely seems to make me incredibly vulnerable to old thought processes and behaviours. And this was just a 'minor' example, as shown by the fact that I wasn't really 'hungry enough' to properly binge. But it did mean that I was feeling shaky and for me, eating 'in order to purge' is effectively allowing myself to 'dabble' in behaviours, because quitting purging is incredibly difficult for me given how much I was doing it when I was very ill and how long it's been going on for.
Ah also, I forgot to add the second of my 'triggers that I am far too annoyingly aware of'. About 2am I logged onto my uni account and realised that I missed a seminar last week without even remembering I was supposed to HAVE one, and got a slightly angry email from my tutor! Cue being worried about that, and pissed off as hell with myself that clearly things start to fall apart as I do 'better'. I was fine at uni and all when I was totally starving myself and losing weight stupidly fast, and also when I was maintaining a very low weight. But the past couple of weeks I've forgotten things several times and I've had sudden onsets of ridiculous tiredness. It winds me up. So anyway, that on top of the already shaky feeling I'd had ever since I got hungry before that snack was apparently just too much for me. Incidentally, I emailed back this morning explaining and made an appointment with my senior tutor to discuss getting me a bit of leeway academically, I'm only first year so I doubt she'll mind as she knows about my eating disorder and was really kind when I had to go inpatient last year. Which makes me feel a lot better.
So, try to forgive myself and move on? I don't know, I'm still frustrated. I know logically that no one who was purging as much as I was quits cold turkey. I also know that no one's recovery is perfect. Obviously I am still a perfectionist though ;) and it scares me cause I know I have to keep a handle on it with regard to my weight gain too, it can have such a knock on effect. The 'curse' of ending up effectively losing weight via binge purging is the terrible digestion you get, and the fact that I end up concerned that if I purge at all I'll end up actually losing a fair proportion of stuff I ate earlier and intended to keep down. Way to prolong the initial problem! Also, another knock on is that I woke up today at 12. SO irritating. I've been getting by on about 5 hours sleep to get 5 meals in without killing myself with pain (thank you delayed gastric emptying) so today is going to be one epic challenge. I might just drink some oil? Kidding. Partially :P
Oh on the positive side, I had my appointment plus weigh in yesterday and have gained 3.5lbs in the last week, and 7 since I started increasing :) and I was pretty darn happy about it! I actually expected it to be more given the water retention from not-purging (speaking of, I feel like my body has actually deflated this morning :S all my clothes fit differently and I had to down a can of Diet Coke as soon as I woke up so I wouldn't be 'tempted' to weigh myself cause I knew seeing the drop wouldn't help me...anyway). I will probably post about that more and be cheerful about it once I'm over being pissed at myself :)
5 comments:
*hugs*
Oooh I understand sooo much of what you've written lovely I really do.
Firstly, congrats on the weight gain, I know that is a hard fought for victory and I'm also sure its one that the ed is giving you a bit of grief over but GO FI!!! (I mean that hunni, I really really do.)
Secondly, I think mostly you're just venting which is all good, I wanted to say, sometimes with the gastroperesis, I will be full but feel CRAP and sick and stuff and it feels very much like if I was really hungry and starving. NOW, I suspect your body is actually starving :P but one thing that has helped reduce some of the nausea (thus the increased change of b/p etc) is for that extra snack (good to have, well done), I cut it into like 4 pieces, eat one piece, leave the rest on the bench and walk back and forward for about 10 minutes. I mean clearly they're not huge pieces, the point is to slow the eating down a bit so that your stomach registers it a bit easier and increases your sugar levels more evenly and hopefully reduces the nausea. Yes you still have to eat the whole snack AND you have to eat the meal that you were gonna have... but anyway, might be worth a try. If it doesn't help when you get those crazy and highly unpleasant physical attacks, it doesn't help, but if it does, excellent!
Hope I made sense, if I didn't and you'd like to understand, email :).
Love you girl and you CAN do this and you NEED to do this because your life IS worth living :) I know my life would be sadder without you in it.
*hugs*
xoxo
Hey there :-)
Don't beat yourself up about purging...these things are all habits and you won't be able to stop them from happening 100% time because they are often automatic reactions to particular things. I still get the odd b/p or what you would call a 'fake' meal where I purge after, and I'm at a healthy weight now...in a way you can learn more when things don't go so well - what are your triggers and so on.
Also, don't forget that recovering actually takes alot of effort and attention, so you can be forgiven for forgetting a seminar/lacking concentration. The ED behaviours become so habitual, and trying to change behaviours takes alot more effort than keeping them the same.
I think you are doing so so well...never underestimate how brave and amazing you are in embracing all these challenges.
Please take care and give yourself some credit for all the hard work you are putting into recovery.
I believe in you!
Sarah x
The fact that my life has been a bit screwy makes the obsessive in me want to give up and start over :P it's a pity that's not possible! Darn perfectionism...
I think you have done really well to not purge for so many days in a row - obviously you have to keep on top of things, but don't be too harsh on yourself. Easier said than done I know ;) maybe you could try thinking about what you would say to someone else in a similar position? I know it's such a cliched tactic but it does help sometimes!
I have got to stop replying to your blog while I'm talking to you on MSN, I can never think of what to say because I've said it all already :P
Fi!
Bah...do you know how long i've been trying to find your blog lady!?...You gave me a dodgy link..lolz.. Had to do some detective work to find you..Lucky im a stalking pro eh?..
Im seriously in awe of your whole attitude and approach to recovery..
really in awe..
..anyhoo..i'll be back..
Chilly.. x
<3
While I know the pissed off and frustrated feeling only too well, please realise that such feelings are totally counterproductive: they'll just produce even more anxiety which can in turn lead to a slight lapse becoming a total relapse.
You've identified your triggers brilliantly (a lot of people never manage to do that!) and just because you found yourself caught off-guard, doesn't mean you won't be ready next time. As Katie (and Mad-Eye Moody) so rightly say: constant vigilance!
As I'm sure you know the extra hunger is just your body/metabolism going haywire and saying 'feed me, please!' but dealing with such hunger is no easy task. Seriously, cut yourself some slack and realise that this process is going to be gradual. You're so intelligent and talented that I know you're used to excelling and being perfect at everything but there just isn't a perfect solution to this. It's not how many bumps there are in the road, but how you drive over them that matters.
Dealing with your digestive problems on top of everything else must be doubly difficult and if I had a working system myself I'd offer to swap! I doubt that anyone else in the universe (yes, including people from Mars...) would even BE at uni with all of the things you have to cope with, let alone doing as well as you are. One missed seminar is nothing, seriously ~ most of my fellow POSTGRADS miss more than that and they don't have a serious mental illness to deal with.
*hugs*
~Jess~
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