don't fall off your chair...
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Believe it or not, I may have actually updated my blog!
So sorry it’s been such a long time :( I honestly have missed blogging immensely and especially in the past few weeks I’ve been keeping up with lots of other people’s blogs and plotting to come back. I’ve basically had to write five out of six of the term’s essays in the past two weeks, so I decided to put off writing this entry until today...which is effectively D Day after I trekked across the howling winds, rain and 2 degree weather of Durham to put them in the department pigeon holes ;) not like I’m overdramatising it or anything!
Anyway. This term has been...interesting to say the least. Freshers week was utterly hectic, and the first few weeks of term I had very little sleep and consumed a slightly shocking amount of alcohol ;) since then...well to be honest my eating disorder has been really out of control. I remember very little in the way of actual logic. Just sitting on my doorstep smoking after a night out on fresher’s week thinking that I really had the opportunity to ‘be’ a typical student this year, to go out, get involved and have fun without all this crap holding me back. And that thought totally repelled me. I didn’t want to. What on earth that means I don’t know. Anyway, I almost don’t want to get into how messed up things were but I may as well be open about it. I lost 20% of my bodyweight in five weeks, and I wasn’t really healthy to begin with. The last week, I’ve stayed stable at a bmi of about 13.5, so for the first time since mid Oct I think I’m managing to get a hold on things at least to some degree,especially given that when clothed/hydrated that makes me just about where I need to be for weigh ins etc. I didn’t want to talk about this with anyone unless I felt like I was actually doing something about it you know? Of course, maintaining is messing with my head utterly. I hate the feeling of total paranoia, convincing yourself that unless you’re losing, you MUST be gaining. Right now I am really fighting with the desire to ‘just lose a couple more kilos’ so I have room for manoeuvre. Why exactly I think I need that I don’t know but it CAN’T happen. I want to increase what I’m eating gradually and get to a more ‘real’ maintenance diet of about 13/1400 calories (obviously lower cause my weight is lower, I’m not suggesting anyone sane maintain on that :S) by Christmas. Right now I’m eating a fair bit less than that but I probably just nuked my metabolism and I guess it will pick up when I increase.
As far as uni goes, I am absolutely LOVING our house and my living situation. Despite things being a bit messed up health wise they’re a million times better than they were last year just cause of living in our own place, with one of my closest friends. We literally just banter about everything under the sun, and have little projects like baking bread or our Secret Santa. I’m totally confused about what to do next year now though, I hate the way just as soon as you’re settled they start talking about housing and rent! I’m allowed to move back into college, but they said I ‘can’ get a special concession to live in the self catered college if I want. Which would be AMAZING given the a) better food b) really new nice rooms with ensuites and shiny new furniture, but it’s not my college and it would be even harder for me to get involved in college life than it already is as a fresher living out. I don’t have to decide this for a week or so but it’s playing on my mind since the essay crisis has passed!
I’m planning on staying up North for most of the Xmas holidays cause Katie is coming to see me after the end of term, then I’m gonna do something for New Year with another friend who lives up near here. I may freeze, but hey, I usually get utterly bored at home during holidays so it should be a welcome change. Hope everyone is ok and sorry if this first entry is really rushed/nonsensical. Hopefully I will get back to blogging more lately. I’m sorry if this isn’t all inspiring and happy too, I want to keep the blog for myself but am pretty low & unmotivated at the moment. But life goes on. So my blog will go on :)
ps major thanks Jessica and Laura for your kind messages wondering how I was...I realy appreciated it and it motivated me to post!
So sorry it’s been such a long time :( I honestly have missed blogging immensely and especially in the past few weeks I’ve been keeping up with lots of other people’s blogs and plotting to come back. I’ve basically had to write five out of six of the term’s essays in the past two weeks, so I decided to put off writing this entry until today...which is effectively D Day after I trekked across the howling winds, rain and 2 degree weather of Durham to put them in the department pigeon holes ;) not like I’m overdramatising it or anything!
Anyway. This term has been...interesting to say the least. Freshers week was utterly hectic, and the first few weeks of term I had very little sleep and consumed a slightly shocking amount of alcohol ;) since then...well to be honest my eating disorder has been really out of control. I remember very little in the way of actual logic. Just sitting on my doorstep smoking after a night out on fresher’s week thinking that I really had the opportunity to ‘be’ a typical student this year, to go out, get involved and have fun without all this crap holding me back. And that thought totally repelled me. I didn’t want to. What on earth that means I don’t know. Anyway, I almost don’t want to get into how messed up things were but I may as well be open about it. I lost 20% of my bodyweight in five weeks, and I wasn’t really healthy to begin with. The last week, I’ve stayed stable at a bmi of about 13.5, so for the first time since mid Oct I think I’m managing to get a hold on things at least to some degree,especially given that when clothed/hydrated that makes me just about where I need to be for weigh ins etc. I didn’t want to talk about this with anyone unless I felt like I was actually doing something about it you know? Of course, maintaining is messing with my head utterly. I hate the feeling of total paranoia, convincing yourself that unless you’re losing, you MUST be gaining. Right now I am really fighting with the desire to ‘just lose a couple more kilos’ so I have room for manoeuvre. Why exactly I think I need that I don’t know but it CAN’T happen. I want to increase what I’m eating gradually and get to a more ‘real’ maintenance diet of about 13/1400 calories (obviously lower cause my weight is lower, I’m not suggesting anyone sane maintain on that :S) by Christmas. Right now I’m eating a fair bit less than that but I probably just nuked my metabolism and I guess it will pick up when I increase.
As far as uni goes, I am absolutely LOVING our house and my living situation. Despite things being a bit messed up health wise they’re a million times better than they were last year just cause of living in our own place, with one of my closest friends. We literally just banter about everything under the sun, and have little projects like baking bread or our Secret Santa. I’m totally confused about what to do next year now though, I hate the way just as soon as you’re settled they start talking about housing and rent! I’m allowed to move back into college, but they said I ‘can’ get a special concession to live in the self catered college if I want. Which would be AMAZING given the a) better food b) really new nice rooms with ensuites and shiny new furniture, but it’s not my college and it would be even harder for me to get involved in college life than it already is as a fresher living out. I don’t have to decide this for a week or so but it’s playing on my mind since the essay crisis has passed!
I’m planning on staying up North for most of the Xmas holidays cause Katie is coming to see me after the end of term, then I’m gonna do something for New Year with another friend who lives up near here. I may freeze, but hey, I usually get utterly bored at home during holidays so it should be a welcome change. Hope everyone is ok and sorry if this first entry is really rushed/nonsensical. Hopefully I will get back to blogging more lately. I’m sorry if this isn’t all inspiring and happy too, I want to keep the blog for myself but am pretty low & unmotivated at the moment. But life goes on. So my blog will go on :)
ps major thanks Jessica and Laura for your kind messages wondering how I was...I realy appreciated it and it motivated me to post!
4 comments:
You're back! I don't remember if I ever commented here before I had a blog or not but I read regularly anyhow and had wondered how things were going for you. You're at Durham! I've quite a few friends there, as well as one of my bros! Hehe. Sooooooo sorry things haven't worked out as planned for you but you did so well before so you know you have the determination and courage to again and this time not fall back into the ed. You didn't mention gaining back the weight you've lost, you are aiming to right hun?
Look after yourself as best you can sweetie, I'm here if ever you want to talk.
Lots of love xoxoxo
I missed you, Fi! Sorry to hear about things going downhill health and ED-wise. It's a struggle, and I understand that. I'm in a similar spot so I won't preach, but I'm here for you, you know. I miss chatting with you on MSN, but I bet you're super busy! Try to take care of yourself, yeah? I love you and want you around!
xx
Heather
So happy to see you posting again ~ I'm glad you received my message because I had no other way of contacting you and wasn't sure if you'd still be reading comments or not. I've really missed you and your absence definitely left me wondering how things were going, but suspecting that it had been a downward spiral. I'm just relieved that you're okay, or as 'okay' as it's possible to be given the circumstances.
I really appreciate your honesty about how tough things have been ~ unfortunately the upheaval of Uni takes a huge toll on people who haven't gone through half of what you have...as for the reasoning behind your rapid weight loss I can only speculate that perhaps you're not a 'typical' student in the conventional sense of the word? I don't mean this pejoratively at all, just that there's such an expectation to be a certain type of person at Uni (loud, sociable, drunk most of the time!) that said pressure might not fit with who you truly are ~ you're fiercely intelligent and perhaps that separates you from the mindset of most other people...and EDs do generally exploit feelings of uncertainty, isolation and separation. This could all be total waffle, but I just worry that you're still beating yourself up over it and not seeing that at least you have regained some sense of stability: hopefully you can focus on that. As far as room for manouvre goes, I hate to say it but you really don't have room if you want to be able to stay at Uni ~ I'm freezing all the time at the moment so I have no idea how you're managing to endure the cold temperatures we've been having lately!
The college dilemma is a difficult one but I think you might want to put your own comfort and wellbeing first ~ I know you're desperate to be the 'perfect' student socially and get involved, but if that idea of being involved was a partial trigger for your weight loss then perhaps it's not the highest priority right now?
I still believe in you and I still have faith that you can turn things around...I care about you so much and hopefully will see you in a couple of weeks.
Huge hugs
xoxo
P.S The secret to thick soup is to use a heck of a lot of veggies, cook them in minimal liquid then blend with a hand blender and just dribble the liquid in until you've achieved the desired consistency...which for me is more like baby food :P
:-) its great to hear from you again, I was a bit worried you might think I was being creepy leaving you a message but I was just a bit concerned since we hadnt heard anything from you since you started.
It sounds like you could realy enjoy your new life at uni but you need to be so careful. You dont have any room for manoevure, so please dont let your ed fool you into thinking you need to lose anymore, your bmi is worrying low. I dont want to sound like I`m rambling on at you, Im just concerned for you and Id hate for things not to turn out the way you had wanted.
The only way to get your metabolism up and going is by eating more and getting yourself up to a more normal intake. I know its terribly difficult but the less you eat the more likely your body is just going to stay stuck in starvation mode.
Anyhow, Im so glad to hear from you again, keep enjoying yourself and remember to take good care of yourself!
xoxo
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