wasted month! (or not?)
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hi blogworld :) long time no typing!
it's disgustingly hot in the South-East right now and I've only just made my room habitable by keeping the fan on and the windows open for about 48 hours straight now. unfortunately, there are now lots of flies in my room! :(
I was going to take my brother to yet another theme park (yes he's obsessed) today but the weather's so horrible that we put it off. so I'm sitting around the house watching 'Heroes' (love it) and blogging. I also managed to forget what day my appointment with the dietitian was on, doh. so I may well be in trouble!
my title - it's the 1st of July today. and yesterday I spent a long time beating myself up because, getting honest here, I didn't gain any weight in June. I now have three months before I move out and time is ticking away fast. if you remember my irritated post about it, I gained for three weeks then with a ridiculous display of the power of my ED to panic and overestimate calories, lost ALL that weight in a week. bollocks. so I had a review again with everybody and ended up hugely triggered and feeling awful, cause it seemed to me that they were just resigning themselves to the fact that I will fail. obviously my actions have contributed to this somewhat so I can't blame anyone else, but it made me feel hugely fatalistic. basically the gist was, they will aim to help me get through uni at a barely 'safe' BMI and avoid another hospital stay. the idea of which anorexia LOVES, of course ;) but I really don't! I said I would gain before I move out and I don't want to let one crap month stop me. another thing which really bothered me was the suggestion that 'if I'm not careful I will end up dropping out in November with a bmi of 11' :S. firstly I have huge problems with self-fulfilling prophecies! but secondly, this is a huge fear of mine. what if I try to get better, really work at recovery and the stress pushes me into an even worse relapse? I don't even care to think what I will do to my body if I put it through that again. or my parents. or my sanity, tbh!
in any case, that was a lot of rambling. but the point is, I have to try and move on and not tell myself that I'm a lost cause because I haven't managed to keep any weight on yet. I've proved that I CAN get my weight up, I just have to keep it there and keep going. I don't want to be 'taking baby steps' for ever and just end up in the same place. for the moment, my tactic seems to be 'eat as much as you can fit into normal meal/snacks without going nutso' and it seems to be working :)
things I did to stick two fingers up to my ED recently:
~ ate dark chocolate late at night cause I was hungry and low on calories - screw you, rigid eating pattern!
~ accepted that an Innocent veg meal is NOT at all equivalent to my normal meals (stupid head, because it's packaged as a 'meal' I decided it was fine...you get the picture) and starting adding calorific, yummy stuff to them when I have them
~ ate Ben & Jerrys for my snack yesterday! haven't kept down B&J in...well, a very long time!
~ bought 2% yogurt when it came back in Sainsburys instead of sticking to fat free
I also have some pics :)
very common lunch - toast spread w/ butter & wholegrain mustard, two Quorn sausages, spinach w/ balsamic, Lucozade Sport barely visible at the top
me in La Tasca! taken while out with an old friend. I tackled a big challenge on this day - lunch, snack AND dinner out :) luckily lunch was sushi which is manageable, and altho tapas sounds scary it was actually nice and relaxed.
just for kicks...a lil pic of the inside of my car :D
xx
it's disgustingly hot in the South-East right now and I've only just made my room habitable by keeping the fan on and the windows open for about 48 hours straight now. unfortunately, there are now lots of flies in my room! :(
I was going to take my brother to yet another theme park (yes he's obsessed) today but the weather's so horrible that we put it off. so I'm sitting around the house watching 'Heroes' (love it) and blogging. I also managed to forget what day my appointment with the dietitian was on, doh. so I may well be in trouble!
my title - it's the 1st of July today. and yesterday I spent a long time beating myself up because, getting honest here, I didn't gain any weight in June. I now have three months before I move out and time is ticking away fast. if you remember my irritated post about it, I gained for three weeks then with a ridiculous display of the power of my ED to panic and overestimate calories, lost ALL that weight in a week. bollocks. so I had a review again with everybody and ended up hugely triggered and feeling awful, cause it seemed to me that they were just resigning themselves to the fact that I will fail. obviously my actions have contributed to this somewhat so I can't blame anyone else, but it made me feel hugely fatalistic. basically the gist was, they will aim to help me get through uni at a barely 'safe' BMI and avoid another hospital stay. the idea of which anorexia LOVES, of course ;) but I really don't! I said I would gain before I move out and I don't want to let one crap month stop me. another thing which really bothered me was the suggestion that 'if I'm not careful I will end up dropping out in November with a bmi of 11' :S. firstly I have huge problems with self-fulfilling prophecies! but secondly, this is a huge fear of mine. what if I try to get better, really work at recovery and the stress pushes me into an even worse relapse? I don't even care to think what I will do to my body if I put it through that again. or my parents. or my sanity, tbh!
in any case, that was a lot of rambling. but the point is, I have to try and move on and not tell myself that I'm a lost cause because I haven't managed to keep any weight on yet. I've proved that I CAN get my weight up, I just have to keep it there and keep going. I don't want to be 'taking baby steps' for ever and just end up in the same place. for the moment, my tactic seems to be 'eat as much as you can fit into normal meal/snacks without going nutso' and it seems to be working :)
things I did to stick two fingers up to my ED recently:
~ ate dark chocolate late at night cause I was hungry and low on calories - screw you, rigid eating pattern!
~ accepted that an Innocent veg meal is NOT at all equivalent to my normal meals (stupid head, because it's packaged as a 'meal' I decided it was fine...you get the picture) and starting adding calorific, yummy stuff to them when I have them
~ ate Ben & Jerrys for my snack yesterday! haven't kept down B&J in...well, a very long time!
~ bought 2% yogurt when it came back in Sainsburys instead of sticking to fat free
I also have some pics :)
very common lunch - toast spread w/ butter & wholegrain mustard, two Quorn sausages, spinach w/ balsamic, Lucozade Sport barely visible at the top
me in La Tasca! taken while out with an old friend. I tackled a big challenge on this day - lunch, snack AND dinner out :) luckily lunch was sushi which is manageable, and altho tapas sounds scary it was actually nice and relaxed.
just for kicks...a lil pic of the inside of my car :D
xx
5 comments:
hey Fi... I think our teams are working from the same textbook :P My care plan is almost identical to yours. I guess ultimately the point is, nobody can or will do this for us. At some point, the NHS need to accept that they have done all they can and focus on doing the bare minimum to avoid funding inpatient again- which keeps you in the community but with a crappy quality of life (as you know). I always hated when I was younger and people said, "you have to want to get better" because just wanting it didn't make it magically happen, but honestly? Uni isn't far away time-wise and you *know* that things need to change pretty radically in order for this year to be different from last...keep your eye on the bigger goal chica.
I LOOOOOOVE quorn sausages. So much. I can't believe they stopped the toad in the hole (bah, summer :P ) Have you tried the sausage rolls? I do the whole "Innocent Veg says it's a MEAL" thing too but we both know it's not enough. What do you add to them? I like the morrocan one but never have it because I don't know what would bulk it up without being a weird combination!
Isn't it fustrating when the people who are meant to be there as support end up disheartening us? But prove them wrong hun :) like you said - you know you can do it, it just takes so much damn effort (which people don't realise!). I understand your worries about relapsing under stress though. Just remember that there is always going to be help out there if you ask for it.
Wheyyy for kicking EDs arse :D And ahh I want your car!
Yay, your back posting :)
Definitly keep up the good work youa re soing SOO well!! At least you know you can gain weight and shouldn't let ED stop you, then you can move out and begin to live a normal and happy life.
Where about in the SE do you live?
I'm so proud of you for eating chocolate and B&J's
Keep up the great work hun xxx
Good on you Fi for wanting a better quality of life for you then the NHS does! You want it so you CAN get it! You HAVE proved that you can put on weight so you can do this. Sure you had a freak out and lost the weight (doh) but one week of freak out versus three weeks of hard work! That means that you have less freak outs then you do of working hard! So keep up the hard work and you CAN do this!!!!!!
Maybe the others are worried (with reasonable reasons) but we, here, in blogland, will be cheering you on ALLLLL the way to good health no matter how many stumbles and falls and potential relapses you have. You ARE gonna kick arse!!!
Love Telly xox
You are far from a lost cause. I resent doctors making people in their late teens/early 20s feel like they are destined to never recover - you have so much life ahead of you, no one can predict how things will change, not even an omnipotent psychiatrist :p
I find myself so scared of failing that it can take me ages to get going with things too, but I guess the thing to keep in mind is that if you don't try you WILL fail, whereas if you do there's no reason why things can't be different this time. Certainties are easier to cope with than hopes, but hopes are more exciting <3
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