stop avoiding!
09:05 Edit This 4 Comments »
avoiding talking about it when I'm having a shitty time, that is :P
this is one bad habit of mine which I intend to start breaking today. all my friends will testify to the fact that they know I'm miserable or ill if I 'fall off the face of the earth'...stop facebooking, stop calling or in this particular case don't update my blog! ok, so I am really struggling right now. but I intend to have a bitch about it and then figure out how to fix it instead of avoiding for once!
my rubbish end of week started on Wednesday night when my dad wanted to have a 'talk' with me. see, these talks always end up with me in floods of tears, cause I know he doesn't mean it but it comes across in such an accusatory 'you're doing something wrong' tone of voice. he said yet AGAIN that he doesn't think I'll be ready to move out in October, that I should be in IP or day treatment, that I'm not doing well. I got so so frustrated at this point because a few weeks ago it was 'you're not gaining weight' and I was thinking YES but I'm making my own food, taking responsibility for myself, maintaining...I've come from being tube fed in February to this, give some credit? so now that I have actually been gaining, apparently he thinks that I'm not engaging with treatment etc, and I'm still purging. ummm...didn't know what to say to that one, I am going to appointments and I've cut back on purging a heck of a lot...it's like if I'm not doing every damn thing 100% we have these talks and I feel like he's saying I'm a hopeless case? argh. so yeah he also said 'do you really want to go to university, maybe it's not right for you, you could just work in a shop near here you know'...I mean wtf, my parents have always pushed me academically and now it feels like they're giving up cause I'm some pathetic chronically sick person?
ARGH! rant over, lol sorry. anyway moving on, the week got even shittier cause after having INSISTED that I was gaining weight and doing well, I had dropped 1.2 bloody kilograms in my appointment the next day :X. I was totally shocked...I thought I was eating at minimum the amount I'd agreed to gain 0.3, but the dietitian thinks I am overestimating hugely or something? either that or my metabolism is speeding up, maybe a combination of both? I keep getting hungry at like 1 or 2 am so it seems likely. so they packed me off for urgent bloods and an ECG because of the rapid loss, which honestly just made me feel even more bloody useless and pissed off. I just wanted to leave it til tomorrow and they were insisting, and all I could think was 'jeeez I'm not going to keel over between now and tomorrow, I've gained 20lbs already, relax'. don't you hate it when your thoughts go off on one and you feel like a brief summary would be 'hi this is anorexia. Fi is unavailable at present, how can I help you screw up your life some more?'...? of course I know that this illness can be so dangerous and they are looking out for me but it's just so hard to take myself seriously.
BUT. on the positive side, basically looks like I got a huge kick where I need it, right? ;)
I am absolutely determined to fix wherever I was slipping up now and get back on track. here are some fun goals to that end...
~ NO overestimating, log everything to make sure I'm following the plan and not cutting corners
~ if I cut back on something make up for it later, no excuses about being too full cause I can always rely on liquids
~ if I'm particularly active, add something extra, better to be safe than sorry!
~ stop avoiding! do things that will cheer me up instead of being miserable!
on the bright side, tomorrow's gonna be a fun day where I can hopefully test myself out, and get out of the house! I'm going to Chessington (theme park) with my little brother, and he is so excited I think he might possibly explode? apparently the weather's gonna be awful but that does not dissuade me at all. really can't wait!
cause I want a pic to brighten this post up, here's some munchies I bought for tomorrow (obviously I will eat other things too, lol)
clearly after I tried a cheese & pickle sandwich before I got addicted and realised that they are yum, and my reservations about the calories were pretty dumb considering I WANT to pack more in! also am relying heavily on the liquids right now, hence Lucozade. and would you believe it, I've never tried that flavour of Eat Natural bars. I've been stuck on the almond/apricot ones for years and nice as they are, it's really time to break out!
so er, I feel very vulnerable now having made a whole post about how I'm really struggling and not meeting my goals. hopefully it's a good way to move past it though? question - who do YOU tell when you're having a hard time? do you have trouble admitting it and/or asking for help? please tell me I'm not the only one ;)
xx
this is one bad habit of mine which I intend to start breaking today. all my friends will testify to the fact that they know I'm miserable or ill if I 'fall off the face of the earth'...stop facebooking, stop calling or in this particular case don't update my blog! ok, so I am really struggling right now. but I intend to have a bitch about it and then figure out how to fix it instead of avoiding for once!
my rubbish end of week started on Wednesday night when my dad wanted to have a 'talk' with me. see, these talks always end up with me in floods of tears, cause I know he doesn't mean it but it comes across in such an accusatory 'you're doing something wrong' tone of voice. he said yet AGAIN that he doesn't think I'll be ready to move out in October, that I should be in IP or day treatment, that I'm not doing well. I got so so frustrated at this point because a few weeks ago it was 'you're not gaining weight' and I was thinking YES but I'm making my own food, taking responsibility for myself, maintaining...I've come from being tube fed in February to this, give some credit? so now that I have actually been gaining, apparently he thinks that I'm not engaging with treatment etc, and I'm still purging. ummm...didn't know what to say to that one, I am going to appointments and I've cut back on purging a heck of a lot...it's like if I'm not doing every damn thing 100% we have these talks and I feel like he's saying I'm a hopeless case? argh. so yeah he also said 'do you really want to go to university, maybe it's not right for you, you could just work in a shop near here you know'...I mean wtf, my parents have always pushed me academically and now it feels like they're giving up cause I'm some pathetic chronically sick person?
ARGH! rant over, lol sorry. anyway moving on, the week got even shittier cause after having INSISTED that I was gaining weight and doing well, I had dropped 1.2 bloody kilograms in my appointment the next day :X. I was totally shocked...I thought I was eating at minimum the amount I'd agreed to gain 0.3, but the dietitian thinks I am overestimating hugely or something? either that or my metabolism is speeding up, maybe a combination of both? I keep getting hungry at like 1 or 2 am so it seems likely. so they packed me off for urgent bloods and an ECG because of the rapid loss, which honestly just made me feel even more bloody useless and pissed off. I just wanted to leave it til tomorrow and they were insisting, and all I could think was 'jeeez I'm not going to keel over between now and tomorrow, I've gained 20lbs already, relax'. don't you hate it when your thoughts go off on one and you feel like a brief summary would be 'hi this is anorexia. Fi is unavailable at present, how can I help you screw up your life some more?'...? of course I know that this illness can be so dangerous and they are looking out for me but it's just so hard to take myself seriously.
BUT. on the positive side, basically looks like I got a huge kick where I need it, right? ;)
I am absolutely determined to fix wherever I was slipping up now and get back on track. here are some fun goals to that end...
~ NO overestimating, log everything to make sure I'm following the plan and not cutting corners
~ if I cut back on something make up for it later, no excuses about being too full cause I can always rely on liquids
~ if I'm particularly active, add something extra, better to be safe than sorry!
~ stop avoiding! do things that will cheer me up instead of being miserable!
on the bright side, tomorrow's gonna be a fun day where I can hopefully test myself out, and get out of the house! I'm going to Chessington (theme park) with my little brother, and he is so excited I think he might possibly explode? apparently the weather's gonna be awful but that does not dissuade me at all. really can't wait!
cause I want a pic to brighten this post up, here's some munchies I bought for tomorrow (obviously I will eat other things too, lol)
clearly after I tried a cheese & pickle sandwich before I got addicted and realised that they are yum, and my reservations about the calories were pretty dumb considering I WANT to pack more in! also am relying heavily on the liquids right now, hence Lucozade. and would you believe it, I've never tried that flavour of Eat Natural bars. I've been stuck on the almond/apricot ones for years and nice as they are, it's really time to break out!
so er, I feel very vulnerable now having made a whole post about how I'm really struggling and not meeting my goals. hopefully it's a good way to move past it though? question - who do YOU tell when you're having a hard time? do you have trouble admitting it and/or asking for help? please tell me I'm not the only one ;)
xx
4 comments:
Hey chick, sorry to hear about your struggles! I think it's always a shock when we stop gaining or lose weight since our ed always tells us we are getting huge, when we obviously arn't!
You are doing so well and don't let what your dad says get you down, nobody, no matter how close to us the person is, will ever understand how hard it is to be in recovery. I really struggle getting past the fact that I'm not going to get 'fat' a lot even though i know i am not. And I still struggle a lot with upping calories and stuff. I just think of my old life and how good it was to help me through! You are not alone
Keep your chin up and have a great evening :)
xxxx
You're definitely not the only one! If all of us with eating disorders found it easy to tell people when we were having a hard time we probably wouldn't have eating disorders in the first place :p
I'm sorry your week sucked <3 I think it's really great that you're trying to do something about it though and your plans all sound eminently sensible! Dads can be a bit of a pain. I'm sure he's only concerned about you...and I suppose the thing is, you're not really one for telling people how you feel and he can't see inside your head, so he can't see your motivation and intentions. If only telepathy were possible, it would make things much easier :p
I always liked the dark chocolate Eat Natural bar...yum
I'm sorry about the conversation with your dad- am sure he is just really worried. I think it's so hard for people to really 'get' this (hell, even we don't understand it- how would they?!) and they don't understand how much we ARE trying and just see the things that aren't going as well. Whatever is going on around you Fi and whatever ANYONE tells you, never stop believing in yourself...
Highly recommend the Boots bean and cheese wrap BTW. Low-bulk, but nutritious and the best sandwich eveeeeeeer (though I am obsessed with 1) wraps, 2) beans, 3) cheese and 4) mexican food so perhaps a little biased :P )
I'm sorry your having a rough time at the moment :( but its great that this time you feel able to speak out about struggling rather than bottling it up. I definitely have trouble with this too.
But have fun at Chessington theme park! Its one of the only theme parks in the UK I haven't been to yet. And enjoy the blueberry, yogurt, pistachio eat natural - I LOVE this bar!
xoxo
ps Great goals you've made!
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