uncertainty and other minefields
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sad thing number one: I may or may not have abandoned this blog for a few days :( reasons being a) I was having a hard time and didn't want to write about it, b) I was mulling over a few things but didn't have any coherent thoughts and c) relates to sad thing number two!
sad thing number two: my camera battery broke! so I have no pictures of my excursion to London/Wholefoods last week, OR my amazing dinner and drinks out with my cousins on Friday night! pretty tragic no? it's fixed now but I haven't any pictures yet.
thought I'd share some pics I was thinking about recently tho.
this is me at a much healthier weight, in 2005. I know you can't see much but tbh I wanted to focus on my face! I'm just kind of awestruck by my skin and hair in this, and the fact that I genuinely look (and was!) happy. I was in India with my best friend when this was taken.
so I've got to say, comparatively this face is just ugly! tis at a formal at uni, a few weeks after I started. of course I WENT to the formal and smiled for the camera but most of my time was spent hibernating in my room at this point. then a couple of months I went on a crazy downward spiral and ended up in hospital. FUN.
just thought I needed a little motivation ;)
so as I said, I had a crappy few days. I sat and tried to figure out why for a long time, and can only think of two things.
1) on Wednesday I went in for my weekly appointment and was indeed up by 0.3kg. which I definitely celebrated at the time...but looking back on it perhaps it was playing on my mind? I'm also very very close to the marker of having gained 20lbs from my lowest, which is hopefully something I WILL be proud of, but also pretty scary!
2) the day I went out to London I KNOW I didn't eat enough. I stuck to my plan but I was walking all afternoon in the heat, and I was hungry, which rarely happens tbh. this is making me realise that I need to be more flexible. I had to talk myself into getting an iced americano that afternoon when it wasn't 'snack time' but I was thirsty. I didn't feel like I had permission to drink, let alone eat more, and that needs to change. so I am going to try and be less rigid with my meal plan from now on.
with regard to the issue of being too rigid, I've been thinking a lot this weekend about my fears surrounding change. I decided to take a new approach with trying to stop vomiting, for a start. previously, I've always gone with a 'cut down' approach and told myself it was 'ok' every so often as long as I was making an effort. now since I was vomiting up to 15 times a day this winter that seemed sensible to me. but it just hasn't been working how I want it to. SO. strategy number two. it's no longer EVER 'ok'. my aim I guess is to stop completely but my contingency plan if I can manage that is just to write a clean slate if I screw up and start 'quitting completely' over again! if that makes sense?
anyway. I am one day into this project and feeling like I've come to a big realisation about why it's scaring me so much. it's uncertainty. I have this lurking anxiety/fear that if I don't have a 'get out' clause with eating, what will I DO if I'm hungry but don't have 'permission' to eat? what if I eat something unplanned or that I'm not happy with? this uncertainly has been ruled out by my eating disorder for years, I've had literally 100% control over what I digest. letting go, and trusting that if I'm hungry and need to eat something 'extra' the world won't end, is going to be a pretty daunting process. but hopefully it should really push me forward. cause I've found that otherwise, if I've been overactive or skipped on my meal plan and wake up starving hungry...my immediate get out clause is to b/p. I don't have to deal with giving myself 'permission' to add something extra to make up for missing the last meal, or similar.
sooo I guess...wish me luck?
xx
sad thing number two: my camera battery broke! so I have no pictures of my excursion to London/Wholefoods last week, OR my amazing dinner and drinks out with my cousins on Friday night! pretty tragic no? it's fixed now but I haven't any pictures yet.
thought I'd share some pics I was thinking about recently tho.
this is me at a much healthier weight, in 2005. I know you can't see much but tbh I wanted to focus on my face! I'm just kind of awestruck by my skin and hair in this, and the fact that I genuinely look (and was!) happy. I was in India with my best friend when this was taken.
so I've got to say, comparatively this face is just ugly! tis at a formal at uni, a few weeks after I started. of course I WENT to the formal and smiled for the camera but most of my time was spent hibernating in my room at this point. then a couple of months I went on a crazy downward spiral and ended up in hospital. FUN.
just thought I needed a little motivation ;)
so as I said, I had a crappy few days. I sat and tried to figure out why for a long time, and can only think of two things.
1) on Wednesday I went in for my weekly appointment and was indeed up by 0.3kg. which I definitely celebrated at the time...but looking back on it perhaps it was playing on my mind? I'm also very very close to the marker of having gained 20lbs from my lowest, which is hopefully something I WILL be proud of, but also pretty scary!
2) the day I went out to London I KNOW I didn't eat enough. I stuck to my plan but I was walking all afternoon in the heat, and I was hungry, which rarely happens tbh. this is making me realise that I need to be more flexible. I had to talk myself into getting an iced americano that afternoon when it wasn't 'snack time' but I was thirsty. I didn't feel like I had permission to drink, let alone eat more, and that needs to change. so I am going to try and be less rigid with my meal plan from now on.
with regard to the issue of being too rigid, I've been thinking a lot this weekend about my fears surrounding change. I decided to take a new approach with trying to stop vomiting, for a start. previously, I've always gone with a 'cut down' approach and told myself it was 'ok' every so often as long as I was making an effort. now since I was vomiting up to 15 times a day this winter that seemed sensible to me. but it just hasn't been working how I want it to. SO. strategy number two. it's no longer EVER 'ok'. my aim I guess is to stop completely but my contingency plan if I can manage that is just to write a clean slate if I screw up and start 'quitting completely' over again! if that makes sense?
anyway. I am one day into this project and feeling like I've come to a big realisation about why it's scaring me so much. it's uncertainty. I have this lurking anxiety/fear that if I don't have a 'get out' clause with eating, what will I DO if I'm hungry but don't have 'permission' to eat? what if I eat something unplanned or that I'm not happy with? this uncertainly has been ruled out by my eating disorder for years, I've had literally 100% control over what I digest. letting go, and trusting that if I'm hungry and need to eat something 'extra' the world won't end, is going to be a pretty daunting process. but hopefully it should really push me forward. cause I've found that otherwise, if I've been overactive or skipped on my meal plan and wake up starving hungry...my immediate get out clause is to b/p. I don't have to deal with giving myself 'permission' to add something extra to make up for missing the last meal, or similar.
sooo I guess...wish me luck?
xx
3 comments:
Words are running away from me so *Huggles* I'm reading and listening...
xoxox
Glad you had a great time in London!
I know what you mean entirely about being scared by hunger when you don't have "permission" to eat. But I think this will gradually get easier as time goes by and we start trusting our bodies again.
Its such a huge step your taking on no longer allowing yourself to be sick. Good luck!
Hannah xoxo
ps Your face in the first picture looks radiant! Your skin and hair are glowing... what great motivation! Isn't it sad how lifeless we look in photos of us when we're ill?
I think your plans sound great Fi- especially the purging thing. I've tried the "cutting down" method and it always ends up going haywire because as long as I see it as an 'option' then it's very much present and hard to control. If you slip? Eh. No big deal. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again (as the song goes!)
Being 'proud' of weight gain is really hard- being 'proud' of regaining control over your life and feeling stronger/less compulsive might be an easier thing to focus on/apprecciate?
The protein bars- Holland and Barrett now sell the pureprotein ones individually in a small size (posted info in UK food thread) and Clif bars are sold in Blacks and some bike/camping shops individually :)
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