christmas cheer and a little touch of insanity
06:09 Edit This 5 Comments »
I hope everyone is suitably excited over the fact that there are only TWO weeks until Christmas! I know I certainly am...I seem to have far more festive spirit this year than usual! The liver's out proctor came over and gave us mince pies this morning, there are local bands playing carols in town, I am plotting my presents and we are going to a carol service in the amazingly beautiful cathedral on Monday. All is well :)
We also had a house Christmas lunch on Sunday which was such a fun thing to do with my housemates...managed to snap some pics too :D
table all set up with Secret Santa presents
Henrietta (yes, my housemate named our chicken!) being carved
my brilliant Secret Santa present! (have been wearing these constantly!)
and yeah, this is me :) I know I look like I haven't slept in a month, but we're working on it yes?
regarding everything I talked about in the last post, I have emailed my senior tutor and I'm going to talk to her next week about hopefully getting a room in the self catered college next year. she seemed really sympathetic so that was nice. I am a bit nervous seeing as I seem to have given the impression that things are going really well so seeing her in person will be interesting though. although I'm not sure to what extent now my feeling that things are so much better than they were this time last year is true or just denial. I'm a fair bit off my lowest weight now, but then again I was actually higher than I am now last January and reached my lowest in Feb. then again, behaviourally things are better. and I feel like I HAVE learned things from my hospital stay which I can hopefully put into action this time around. I feel less hopeless. so crossed fingers it wasn't that much of an untruth.
yesterday I feel like I really made a big step in pushing my eating disorder out for Christmas, which is a massive goal of mine - to be feeling more normal and in less of a dangerous position over the holiday. I added a meal in, which in itself isn't new...I've done 'increases' before but they've never stuck and I think my eating disorder knew they wouldn't and felt safe with it. this time I really did not feel safe and really didn't want to do it...but I did it anyway...I can't express how amazing that felt. I think things turned around a bit on Tuesday, when some things happened which really brought home to me how serious this is at the moment, plus I woke up down 3lbs since I'd been 'maintaining' last week which I absolutely couldn't blame on fluctuation and scared me quite a lot. so this morning I'm back up one of those lbs and of course my eating disorder wants to run with this and say 'see, STOP, you're going to gain every time you add something in'. I know this is bullshit though. yes going up a lb or two will be normal as there is more food in my stomach and so on but let's face it, it is totally necessary and won't even make a difference to my body except for feeling better physically! right now I am just wrestling with the dilemma of weighing myself at all to be honest. part of me wants to stop entirely for the next couple of weeks as I plan to make some more increases (add a night snack, among other things) and don't want to scare myself. I'm not sure if I need to know though, cause I know realistically if I started to lose anything I'd have to increase faster. has anyone else got advice about what they did in this situation? I won't have weigh ins after this Friday for awhile cause of the Xmas period, and I know I'm on quite thin ice, I can't just drop a few kilos without knowing, but I don't want to become obsessed with fluctuations either.
aside from stressing over such mundane rubbish, I have been addicted to online 'shopping' lately, both for people's presents and things I may or may not want to buy for myself in the January sales! I am totally stuck over a present for my dad though...just what do you buy for middle aged men, seriously?! I think I'm gonna make a trip to the Metro Centre on Saturday and do some serious present buying, which should be great fun :) I will certainly take pics of the decorations if they're nice, and probably hang out in Starbucks for ages topping up my blood caffeine levels.
I hope everyone is having an amazing, erm, Advent? period!
We also had a house Christmas lunch on Sunday which was such a fun thing to do with my housemates...managed to snap some pics too :D
table all set up with Secret Santa presents
Henrietta (yes, my housemate named our chicken!) being carved
my brilliant Secret Santa present! (have been wearing these constantly!)
and yeah, this is me :) I know I look like I haven't slept in a month, but we're working on it yes?
regarding everything I talked about in the last post, I have emailed my senior tutor and I'm going to talk to her next week about hopefully getting a room in the self catered college next year. she seemed really sympathetic so that was nice. I am a bit nervous seeing as I seem to have given the impression that things are going really well so seeing her in person will be interesting though. although I'm not sure to what extent now my feeling that things are so much better than they were this time last year is true or just denial. I'm a fair bit off my lowest weight now, but then again I was actually higher than I am now last January and reached my lowest in Feb. then again, behaviourally things are better. and I feel like I HAVE learned things from my hospital stay which I can hopefully put into action this time around. I feel less hopeless. so crossed fingers it wasn't that much of an untruth.
yesterday I feel like I really made a big step in pushing my eating disorder out for Christmas, which is a massive goal of mine - to be feeling more normal and in less of a dangerous position over the holiday. I added a meal in, which in itself isn't new...I've done 'increases' before but they've never stuck and I think my eating disorder knew they wouldn't and felt safe with it. this time I really did not feel safe and really didn't want to do it...but I did it anyway...I can't express how amazing that felt. I think things turned around a bit on Tuesday, when some things happened which really brought home to me how serious this is at the moment, plus I woke up down 3lbs since I'd been 'maintaining' last week which I absolutely couldn't blame on fluctuation and scared me quite a lot. so this morning I'm back up one of those lbs and of course my eating disorder wants to run with this and say 'see, STOP, you're going to gain every time you add something in'. I know this is bullshit though. yes going up a lb or two will be normal as there is more food in my stomach and so on but let's face it, it is totally necessary and won't even make a difference to my body except for feeling better physically! right now I am just wrestling with the dilemma of weighing myself at all to be honest. part of me wants to stop entirely for the next couple of weeks as I plan to make some more increases (add a night snack, among other things) and don't want to scare myself. I'm not sure if I need to know though, cause I know realistically if I started to lose anything I'd have to increase faster. has anyone else got advice about what they did in this situation? I won't have weigh ins after this Friday for awhile cause of the Xmas period, and I know I'm on quite thin ice, I can't just drop a few kilos without knowing, but I don't want to become obsessed with fluctuations either.
aside from stressing over such mundane rubbish, I have been addicted to online 'shopping' lately, both for people's presents and things I may or may not want to buy for myself in the January sales! I am totally stuck over a present for my dad though...just what do you buy for middle aged men, seriously?! I think I'm gonna make a trip to the Metro Centre on Saturday and do some serious present buying, which should be great fun :) I will certainly take pics of the decorations if they're nice, and probably hang out in Starbucks for ages topping up my blood caffeine levels.
I hope everyone is having an amazing, erm, Advent? period!
5 comments:
Fiona! So happy to see you posting again :)
Looks like you and your friends had a fun christmas lunch together. Its so great you pushed yourself to enjoy the meal despite ED feelings. Christmas is always such a difficult time, but its there to be enjoyed! And its great you're working towards increasing your intake. Regarding weighing, maybe its best to keep weighing for a while until you know your intake is up to a place where you're not going to lose, then just weigh in every week or w/e. I know its difficult to see the numbers go up, especially in the beginning when they're not steady or predictable... but by not weighing your ED could use it as an opportunity to trick you into thinking that your eating enough to gain, when in fact your not, you know?
Anyway, good luck my dear. I have every faith in you :)
As for pressies for dads, I've got mine a check shirt in an attempt to bring him up to date with fashion lol. Theres always hope!
Enjoy your day <3
Hannah XO.
Fiona! So happy to see you posting again :)
Looks like you and your friends had a fun christmas lunch together. Its so great you pushed yourself to enjoy the meal despite ED feelings. Christmas is always such a difficult time, but its there to be enjoyed! And its great you're working towards increasing your intake. Regarding weighing, maybe its best to keep weighing for a while until you know your intake is up to a place where you're not going to lose, then just weigh in every week or w/e. I know its difficult to see the numbers go up, especially in the beginning when they're not steady or predictable... but by not weighing your ED could use it as an opportunity to trick you into thinking that your eating enough to gain, when in fact your not, you know?
Anyway, good luck my dear. I have every faith in you :)
As for pressies for dads, I've got mine a check shirt in an attempt to bring him up to date with fashion lol. Theres always hope!
Enjoy your day <3
Hannah XO.
It's so fantastic that you were able to enjoy a meal with your housemates and pushing your disorder away, however briefly, is something that you should really hold on to and be proud of.
Durham really does have a wonderful 'Chrismassy' feel and atmosphere, even to complete Grinches like me. The spectacular setting of the cathedral helps immensely of course, but I think they've really stepped things up this year with the Christmas festival they had on recently...more sophisticated and less tacky than most xmas fare.
I saw your socks on Facebook and am extremely envious ;) At least you have something adorable to keep your tootsies warm in the plunging temperatures!
I agree with Hannah about the scales ~ I can understand how they can drive you to distraction with the constant fluctuations but at the point you're at it could be so dangerous to lose inadvertantly, especially with the cold (sorry to be such a Granny about it but if it's anything like last January then it'll be sub-zero snowdrifts up here)...but it's good that you're hanging on to the techniques you learnt and well done in advance for adding in the extra snack!
I always buy my Dad chocolates or DVDs...he's very easy to please as he loves Sci-fi so last year I got him the complete box set of series 1 of Stargate, SG-1...my most hated show ;) I haven't been able to get anywhere the TV since lol.
Take care
<3
xoxo
Oh I am totally jealous of your socks ;-)
Hmm its a tricky situation with your weighing. With your weight being so low it is vital you dont lose anymore but at the same time you dont want to get triggered by seeing anumber rising up. You kinda have to make the decision to accept the fact you need to gain and that you will see a gain on the scales either that or up your intake and just dont weigh yourself for a good while, until you begin to feel a little more comfortable and have prepared yourself mentally to see that higher number.
Sorry I dont have a better answer but unfortunately there is no easy way to get around it.
Well done with dinner and your friends :-), I just hope you can enjoy times like that more.
Hmm dads are really hard to buy for, my dad isnt into anything so he is impossible to buy for! I got him a book, very exciting I know but I was totally stuck! I usually add in some nuts and deoderant to.
xoxo
"this time I really did not feel safe and really didn't want to do it...but I did it anyway...I can't express how amazing that felt"
It made me really happy to read that :) because I know how THAT feels!
About the weighing issue...I agree with the others, it's obviously essential that you know what's going on...maybe you could weigh yourself every 2 or 3 days? It doesn't have to be every day or not at all. I weighed myself twice a week to start off with, mondays and fridays, then cut down to once a week, but it was really important for me not to do it every day so I could break the obsessional aspect. I think it's probably a good idea to leave it a couple of days after increases because it can be a bit overwhelming.
I hope your meeting with your tutor goes well :) I can't wait for next Friday! Although I feel silly writing that when I'm already talking to you on MSN :P you have stereo Katie. Oh dear.
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