my body is a cage but my mind holds the key
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Arcade Fire ftw :D
btw, there are numbers in this post, proceed with care ;)
so many thanks to everyone who commented yesterday...so reassuring to know that my feelings weren't uncommon. I almost want to apologise for that post, but I won't seeing as it IS understandable given the whole, y'know, anorexia thing! however I did wake up this morning feeling about 10,000 times better and wondering why on earth I was being so illogical. when I'd sat down and thought about it a bit, it came down to this - the disordered part of me wanted me to eat the bare minimum I need to gain weight, and only increase it when I absolutely HAD to, like not having gained anything in weeks, without any regard for what's better for my mental and physical health. so obviously cue a bit of a tantrum in my brain when I refused to follow that advice. to be fair it can go and jump off a cliff cause that's not the way I'm going to do things at all. obviously then that feeling of 'eating more than you desperately NEED' led on to 'well you MUST be greedy cause you eat unhealthy food all the time and you don't HAVE to do that, you could just eat a tortilla pizza once a week and call it a challenge'. see now I'm really quite confused as to why I thought there was any logic at all to this :P it's ridiculous for anyone with anorexia, but amusingly so in my case, given that if it really was a case of me 'just wanting to eat more' and it was all about the food, surely going back to binge/purging tens of thousands of calories a day would be the more alluring idea as compared to adding a bit to an already high diet, which is basically more a matter of condensing/more dense foods. but obviously that's not going to happen ;)
anyway my conclusion is that I feel amazing today, loads more productive and full of energy, and no rubbish thoughts bothering me either. I used the trick of looking at my situation from a healthy person's perspective again, and it really helped to note that when I'm still significantly underweight, and am recovering from having had anorexia for seven years and been at very low weights, even if I do err on the side of eating more, it's NEVER going to be a bad thing for me physically provided that I feel physically comfortable eating that amount. and psychologically, given that I am eating in a very 'normal' healthy way, it can only be positive there too. more calories = more brainpower :) and more ability to challenge the old ideas I had about food. same applies for eating 'unhealthily' (I feel like I should stop using that term but don't know how else to put it!) given that every 'imperfect' thing I eat helps to beat down my distorted thoughts, and is good physically in moderation too given that I am in recovery. I love it when I realise things like this that seem so obvious after the fact but such a great victory to become aware of :)
on a further positive note, I went shopping today! I had been promising myself that I'd buy myself something when I got to 100lbs and today was the day! (sidenote - it's testament to how distorted my ideas about weight were that I feel self conscious typing that cause it seems 'so high' but I can see looking at myself that it's still very low for my height etc...weird!) anyway I looked around for a tshirt I'd been wanting yesterday with Hannah but they only had it in petite :( I wanted it so much that I even tried it on but it was way too short....so, I looked in the tiny Topshop in town today and they had it there, in my size! awesome coincidence. I also bought some little silver earrings in the shape of angel wings :) take a look...
ps I know our house is really dated :) you get used to it!
since I was standing in front of the mirror with a camera I decided to get a pic to represent a) the weather in Durham and b) the best part of Sundays...
PYJAMA day! and it wasn't even that I hadn't been out...I went out, and changed back into them when I got back :D fleecy ones from Primark no less. plus the warmest hoodie I own, complete with fleecy lining all over. what's really bizarre though is that I just wear this in the house for comfort cause we don't put the heating on in the day...I actually went outside with just that (and jeans not PJs of course!) and no coat today and was fine! yay recovery...
in the interest of feeling far more secure and happy about what I eat today, I have some more pictures :)
total obsession at the moment! it's actually from a bottled pancake mix they reduced to 25p in Tesco after pancake day...but somehow it actually tastes better than when we made them from scratch ourselves...maybe I'm just bad at pancake making! anyway, pancakes with bacon are amazing, and having the other one with banana & banana curd makes an awesome sweet/savoury breakfast.
I felt so skilled when I made this last night! (don't laugh...) I actually poached an egg...like in swirling water with a whisk all pretentious style. tis on top of a haddock fishcake, with potato/caramelized onion rosti and asparagus. best meal I've had in ages :)
right, I am 1600 words into my essay due tomorrow and need to make dinner so I'd better wrap this up! suffice to say I hope I am not being irritatingly positive and over the moon again but I really do feel amazing today. nothing I've ever done has been as worthwhile as the past couple of months...no joke.
btw, there are numbers in this post, proceed with care ;)
so many thanks to everyone who commented yesterday...so reassuring to know that my feelings weren't uncommon. I almost want to apologise for that post, but I won't seeing as it IS understandable given the whole, y'know, anorexia thing! however I did wake up this morning feeling about 10,000 times better and wondering why on earth I was being so illogical. when I'd sat down and thought about it a bit, it came down to this - the disordered part of me wanted me to eat the bare minimum I need to gain weight, and only increase it when I absolutely HAD to, like not having gained anything in weeks, without any regard for what's better for my mental and physical health. so obviously cue a bit of a tantrum in my brain when I refused to follow that advice. to be fair it can go and jump off a cliff cause that's not the way I'm going to do things at all. obviously then that feeling of 'eating more than you desperately NEED' led on to 'well you MUST be greedy cause you eat unhealthy food all the time and you don't HAVE to do that, you could just eat a tortilla pizza once a week and call it a challenge'. see now I'm really quite confused as to why I thought there was any logic at all to this :P it's ridiculous for anyone with anorexia, but amusingly so in my case, given that if it really was a case of me 'just wanting to eat more' and it was all about the food, surely going back to binge/purging tens of thousands of calories a day would be the more alluring idea as compared to adding a bit to an already high diet, which is basically more a matter of condensing/more dense foods. but obviously that's not going to happen ;)
anyway my conclusion is that I feel amazing today, loads more productive and full of energy, and no rubbish thoughts bothering me either. I used the trick of looking at my situation from a healthy person's perspective again, and it really helped to note that when I'm still significantly underweight, and am recovering from having had anorexia for seven years and been at very low weights, even if I do err on the side of eating more, it's NEVER going to be a bad thing for me physically provided that I feel physically comfortable eating that amount. and psychologically, given that I am eating in a very 'normal' healthy way, it can only be positive there too. more calories = more brainpower :) and more ability to challenge the old ideas I had about food. same applies for eating 'unhealthily' (I feel like I should stop using that term but don't know how else to put it!) given that every 'imperfect' thing I eat helps to beat down my distorted thoughts, and is good physically in moderation too given that I am in recovery. I love it when I realise things like this that seem so obvious after the fact but such a great victory to become aware of :)
on a further positive note, I went shopping today! I had been promising myself that I'd buy myself something when I got to 100lbs and today was the day! (sidenote - it's testament to how distorted my ideas about weight were that I feel self conscious typing that cause it seems 'so high' but I can see looking at myself that it's still very low for my height etc...weird!) anyway I looked around for a tshirt I'd been wanting yesterday with Hannah but they only had it in petite :( I wanted it so much that I even tried it on but it was way too short....so, I looked in the tiny Topshop in town today and they had it there, in my size! awesome coincidence. I also bought some little silver earrings in the shape of angel wings :) take a look...
ps I know our house is really dated :) you get used to it!
since I was standing in front of the mirror with a camera I decided to get a pic to represent a) the weather in Durham and b) the best part of Sundays...
PYJAMA day! and it wasn't even that I hadn't been out...I went out, and changed back into them when I got back :D fleecy ones from Primark no less. plus the warmest hoodie I own, complete with fleecy lining all over. what's really bizarre though is that I just wear this in the house for comfort cause we don't put the heating on in the day...I actually went outside with just that (and jeans not PJs of course!) and no coat today and was fine! yay recovery...
in the interest of feeling far more secure and happy about what I eat today, I have some more pictures :)
total obsession at the moment! it's actually from a bottled pancake mix they reduced to 25p in Tesco after pancake day...but somehow it actually tastes better than when we made them from scratch ourselves...maybe I'm just bad at pancake making! anyway, pancakes with bacon are amazing, and having the other one with banana & banana curd makes an awesome sweet/savoury breakfast.
I felt so skilled when I made this last night! (don't laugh...) I actually poached an egg...like in swirling water with a whisk all pretentious style. tis on top of a haddock fishcake, with potato/caramelized onion rosti and asparagus. best meal I've had in ages :)
right, I am 1600 words into my essay due tomorrow and need to make dinner so I'd better wrap this up! suffice to say I hope I am not being irritatingly positive and over the moon again but I really do feel amazing today. nothing I've ever done has been as worthwhile as the past couple of months...no joke.
12 comments:
It would never be irritating to hear you over the moon hun, that's what we want to hear that things are going well and you're a happy little chick:)
I'm so pleased for you seriously- you've done so fabulously and have a really great attitude, screw that anorexia! I understand completely where you were coming from as in only wanting to up the intake when absolutely essential, doing the minimum but it sounds like you're really embracing recovery now.
Glad you got to do a bit of shopping, there's nothing like a bit of girly time to cheer you up :)
The potato/caramelized onion rosti sounds yummy!
Love and hugs xoxox
Hey there,
You don't know me, but I sometimes read your blog, having followed a link from Katie's blog. I have noticed such a shift lately and wanted you to know that a complete stranger cares about you and just read this most recent entry saying ALOUD "she's amazing!" (about you). I think the change was most obvious when you wrote more explicitly about how it is to live your life so overtaken by the ED. That level of honesty was so important not just for you but for other people, too. From the outside, some who still hanker after the comfort and security of the ED, could have previously looked at you and thought "well, she's okay - she can do it, she can be emaciated AND have a life, too, why not me?" - essentially it looked a little like you could have your cake (ED) and eat it (LIVE) - if you'll excuse the crude pun! But, I think you did a great thing when you admitted how treacherous this life truly is and how frightening it is to seemingly have the 'freedom' (yeah right!) to eat whatever you want and to lose weight. I think it also put me in touch with the horror that must come from that realisation, though for me I think I related to it on a more general level to do with the horror of the damage I was actually capable of inflicting upon myself and being allowed to. It's a terrifying and lonely place. What is also just horrific to face is that it is down to you (us); we could be hospitalised, forced to be free, and yet at some point we would have to make that decision again for ourselves. I know Katie knows this all too well, as well.
This is a terribly long comment, especially from a stranger (and an inarticulate, babbling one at that - even in her caveats!), but I wanted you to know you are NOT greedy, you are doing what YOU NEED because you know what you need and you are being BRAVE enough to do it! I have to say that each time I clicked on your blog I was expecting to hear that you were dead. I am glad you are fighting back. I am glad and I have no reason to come here and lie to you or pretend. You've shown yourself and that stupid fucking ED that you can play his game, you can do it in your sleep, now it's time to show that ED what you're really capable of.
Keep going, fi, keep going
Louisa x
Hey, I'm so glad that you're feeling better. I know those confused thoughts so well. I always had trouble increasing because I too felt like I should just do the bare, bare minimum until I had to do more. Which is obviously ridiculous. I think you're amazing in the way that you've managed to combat these thoughts and to keep pushing through!
And I love the earrings--they're so pretty.
Well done for getting to 100, yay Fi!! I love the top, it's cute :) Also well done for the poached egg, you did a better job than I could have, I will have to practise :P
It couldn't ever be irritating to hear you sound positive, it's lovely. I'm really happy for you :)
Only my second time reading your blog, but it makes me smile because you are doing so well and are so positive! Way to go kicking anorexia's ass!
On a side note, I love the t-shirt too. I'll have to look to you for shopping advice since they always say Europe is ahead of the states in fashion :)
Yay! Well done for getting to 100 and rationalising all this complicated stuff going on in your head. In response to your comment I definitely think there is karma, which means a happy healthy and wonderful recovery is definitely heading your way ;)
Sarah x
Whoop for getting to 100 :) I'm happy for you hun.
And your meals look so nice. I need to get brave and start using the kitchen properly, a nice egg sounds devine right now. And Pancakes ! :D
Hehe, I agree that eating a tortilla pizza is definitely not the challenge that people build it up to be...it's somewhat half-arsed and an exercise in self-denial in my opinion. You're one of the few people who approaches challenges with real conviction and is ruthlessly, brutally honest with herself. Tis one of the many, many things which I admire about you.
Glad that you feel better and have managed to rationalise those evil thoughts. And massive congrats for getting to 100lbs, which is most certainly not 'so high'! I weigh more than that, am five inches shorter than you and still just about underweight so I think we both know that it's nowhere near or even approaching a high weight for you.
Wowzle, you look stunning in that shirt as ever, and have fabulous taste in clothes. I'd be tempted to get that top myself but I wouldn't look half as good in it!
Here's to more pyjama days and be as positive as you like ~ it's NEVER irritating. Someone has to counteract the relentless negativity coming from me at every opportunity, which I am sure is much more irksome to read ;)
*hugs*
~Jess~
xoxoxox
you are awesome!!!
lovin ur blog
i'm gonna follow
Wow, I keep reading about you in Jess and Katie's blogs yet was stupid and never followed or found links to your blog.
I'm glad I have and am now following.
My tip for poaching eggs is to crack an egg into a clingflim lined cup, and then seal the cling film and put it in the boiling water, much easier that way, any other way I fail plus I get vinegary eggs and I hate vinegar.
Very very cute top.
Also you are amazing.
I usually have too much to say..
So im gonna change things up and keep this short and sweet.
You are WONDERFUL..
Seriously...you make my heart happy..
<3
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