running up that hill

something interesting has occurred to me over the past week.
first I noticed myself feeling slightly odd while having breakfast one day...realising that I hadn't 'planned' what to have the night before, just rolled out of bed and decided then and there. a few weeks ago I would clearly have had to ensure the availability of breakfast foods, in case of disaster or famine &etc, so this was quite exciting. then I kept having a sense of 'still?' 'again?' while I was eating. not in a 'oh my gosh I'm eating again already!' way, although that is still quite novel, but because a lot of the time the day to day stuff has become routine, unless there's something particular going on. it gave me quite an unsettling feeling actually! the weird realisation that yes, this is what normal people do, this is what I will continue to do for the rest of my life...eat breakfast, eat lunch, eat dinner. and in between, live. strange concept.

I don't know if anyone else has experienced this but below a certain weight I've always seemed to become pretty detached from reality. not only in the sense of utterly distorted beliefs, but almost a tangible 'absence' from the real world in all senses. nothing seeming real, everything through a kind of mist, floating by as though I'm not really part of the world. the only 'real' and significant things were all connected with my eating disorder, and as time went on, like some kind of bizarre drug, there needed to be more pain, more damage inflicted, more drama, so that I would feel it. I was numb to almost everything else. I almost wonder if that's why I was able to throw myself so headlong into totally self destructive behaviour. I was very much out of control when I was ill and it was intense in all senses...not just to the extent that I could explain it by the distortions of the illness. I'd do things that now terrify me, but in my own little shut off world nothing seemed real and it didn't seem to matter. a specific memory strikes me - in early 09 before I went inpatient I met with my psychiatrist and he told me, after talking to the medical assessment unit at the hospital, that I could avoid going into general if I took a lot of care over the weekend (they got an emergency admit to the EDU for early the next week) in order to 'keep myself alive'. of course, I proceeded to persuade my parents to drive me into town so I could 'go shopping' aka spend my afternoons binge/purging at all the fast food places I could find. of course to some extent this is explicable by the nature of the disorder - even if I wanted to stop perhaps I couldn't have. but I don't remember having any concept of the strangeness of this. of how people must have looked at me, totally emaciated, sitting in McDonalds eating a super size meal (or two). of how having dodged the potassium IV they considered sending me in for, playing games with my heart when my ECG already looked like shite was an incredibly stupid thing to do. I was not on the planet. I'm not entirely sure I believed in the reality of anything except food and how to not digest it. magical thinking? perhaps. I've been susceptible to the belief that nothing will ever cause me serious damage before, and I wonder if it is because I literally seem to zone off into a different world where nothing is real when I'm ill.

anyway. the point of all this? I've felt lately like I'm rejoining the real world. obviously not as a normal person, hey, I'm still quite crazy :D but I feel like a normal person with the added bonus of having anorexia, rather than just living inside the fucked up house of mirrors that is my eating disorder. 'normal' life seems to be filling up a bigger space in my head, and pushing out some of the other rubbish. this is good, I think.

also went to the GP today and got some affirmation that indeed the ED services CAN be pretty shocking, and also that 'it's incredible' how much better I am than at the start of the year :D which I have to say was quite opportune timing, cause my weight was up over 2lbs since I increased on Saturday and it was quite hard to deal with. but on the bright side, took me about two hours to get over it, and I'm sure it would have been more if I hadn't had someone encouraging at the appointment! also kinda helped to remind myself that that's only gonna make just under 4lbs in the last two weeks and that was kinda the point :P but yeah often I have an instinctual reaction to these things so getting through it fast is kind of a plus.

second exciting thing about today - final essay is IN! so after tomorrow's seminar, I'm free! until revision for exams that is but right now I am deliberately ignoring that fact. I can't wait for Easter, so many people to meet up with and things to do in London...it will definitely be an exciting one!

have been making some new meal creations out of stuff in the back of my cupboard to clear them out before Easter too...cookery skills are improving I think!



corn tortilla fried in olive oil, topped with refried beans & chicken.



weight gain version of ants on a log: bagel with cream cheese and raisin 'rebels' (chocolate, caramel and yogurt coatings). sounds odd, tastes amazing. what I want to know is how I came up with this idea...I really can't remember!



my egg poaching skills are improving...see how 'together' it is :D secret = using a deeper pan, you can get the whisk in further!



finally, my fry-up from this morning! I did this to celebrate handing my last essay in, and also cause I wanted to try having 'brunch' and structuring my meals around that (fairly easy, smaller breakfast, brunch at 11, loads of snacks through the afternoon). anyway loved this, although I did nearly set the fire alarm off again I think!