I get the final say.
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sorry for the long hiatus everyone :)
I'm so tired and overwhelmed by my weekend back at home that I almost don't know where to start! but I will try the beginning...
I had driven back on Friday, arriving in the evening, and early Saturday morning I went to Brighton with my family, because my 9 year old brother was looking round Brighton College. Embarrassing moment number one of the day - the head asked whether it was ME or my brother who was looking round?! Er, that would make me 16...I am 21...not impressed! I made a swift exit half an hour later (not cause of the that comment really, I get it a lot, twas just funny. I was bored though) and walked into town. I went to boarding school in Brighton age 15-18 so I know the city really well and it's one of my favourite places. First I went to the Lanes (loads of amazing quirky little shops) and bought a birthday present for my friend, plus some more random browsing. I also found an awesome organic supermarket and bought some things I haven't seen before. I got a 'raw organic food bar' purely because I've never eaten anything raw before (well obv I have, but you get what I mean right?) and I was curious. I had it with a chicken salad from Pret for my lunch, and it was actually a lot better than I expected! Hehe I am very cynical about this sort of thing, but it tasted fine. Wouldn't pay £1.39 again though! I did loads more browsing around the centre of Brighton before I went to meet my family at the pier and play silly slot machine games with my brother. Later on we drove round loads of residential areas in Brighton cause my parents are thinking of moving there if my brother does end up picking Brighton College...SO excited for this prospect!
Saturday evening was my friend's birthday, hence the present buying :) we went to a karaoke place in London which was fantastic! I've only done karaoke once before, and that was on holiday in Hong Kong, I had never thought of doing it here. So much fun though. and trust me, I really can't sing. but still so amusing, I'm so glad I came down for it!
see after the driving and all this fun on Saturday I was really tired and could have murdered a lie-in, but first my dad offered to take me to M&S and buy me food (er, who would refuse?!) and then I decided that I would definitely regret it if I didn't go back into London during the day and do some shopping! the Circle line was down which was incredibly annoying, and meant I didn't get anywhere until 2.30! but hey, I had Wholefoods lunch. totally made up for it. I also bought SO much stuff, will detail and probably take a pic when I have a new charger (next part of the saga, mine is lost, so I have to fork out for another :( ). did loads of random wandering round London too, it felt really good to be back. I like Durham but it is kiiind of a backwater!
in any case, I just...don't actually think I have words to express how amazing I've felt this weekend. I can't believe I didn't know it was possible to feel this good mentally and physically. since I increased to 3000 calories it's been a total eye-opener...my anxiety has decreased massively and the nature/intensity of my ED thoughts has been totally different. I used to get so angry and frustrated with myself when I was really ill and I read about other awesome bloggers who I may or may not admire greatly being able to ignore the thoughts and make the right choices in spite of them. at that time it felt to me like the eating disorder was literally screaming and drowning everything else out, and often I doubted there was even anything else of me LEFT. but recently...I don't know, it feels like an echo...a little flea in the back of my head periodically making last ditch pathetic attempts to influence me, which I generally laugh at. as I haven't 'worked on' this at all, and my weight is still very low, I can only assume it's a nutritional thing? which a) is awesome and I am loving it, and b) damn why didn't I realise this before! it does make me very very wary and paranoid about skipping or accidentally falling short on anything food wise though, because I'm pretty sure that if I were even on a maintenance diet at this weight things would be right back to where they started. probably a good thing though, a little paranoia about the right things never hurt anyone ;)
in any case, I definitely took advantage of my newfound freedom in terms of food choices this weekend. 'stuff which I never thought I'd keep down' included...
~ pastry (a veggie/cheese pie one night and goats cheese tart the next)
~ chocolate samples in Montezuma's aka best chocolate shop ever
~ cheese & crackers
~ chocolate spread
~ fast food! (on the drive back today...had a KFC toasted twister and BK fries for lunch. KFC fries suck...at least my illness taught me one thing! this was so unbelievable I think I was in shock. since I was 14 I've kept down fast food once, and then it was just fries and I blatantly restricted like crazy afterwards. unfortunately I should have realised that this would mean it would kiiind of mess with my stomach! oh well)
~ brownie sundae which I got from Whole Foods. possibly the scariest one and hardest to sit with. especially as it just got WAY too sickly halfway through and didn't feel worth it. but the victory was worth it :P
~ Krispy Kreme doughnut this afternoon
k think that's it! again, I think I am possibly a little overexcited by the fact that I feel so 'free' and liberated to eat whatever I feel like. I'm sure it will calm down given time though! I keep cycling between craving fast food/high fat/dessert type things and wanting loads of fruit & veggies! I guess my body is confused...
I just dont know what else to write right now. I am still so happy and overwhelmed. obviously I am early on in this journey but I feel SO capable for the first time in years, and trusting in my own judgement. the only thing intruding on my happiness is the worry of 'why me, why now' and 'will it last?'. I intend to make it last though :)
I'm so tired and overwhelmed by my weekend back at home that I almost don't know where to start! but I will try the beginning...
I had driven back on Friday, arriving in the evening, and early Saturday morning I went to Brighton with my family, because my 9 year old brother was looking round Brighton College. Embarrassing moment number one of the day - the head asked whether it was ME or my brother who was looking round?! Er, that would make me 16...I am 21...not impressed! I made a swift exit half an hour later (not cause of the that comment really, I get it a lot, twas just funny. I was bored though) and walked into town. I went to boarding school in Brighton age 15-18 so I know the city really well and it's one of my favourite places. First I went to the Lanes (loads of amazing quirky little shops) and bought a birthday present for my friend, plus some more random browsing. I also found an awesome organic supermarket and bought some things I haven't seen before. I got a 'raw organic food bar' purely because I've never eaten anything raw before (well obv I have, but you get what I mean right?) and I was curious. I had it with a chicken salad from Pret for my lunch, and it was actually a lot better than I expected! Hehe I am very cynical about this sort of thing, but it tasted fine. Wouldn't pay £1.39 again though! I did loads more browsing around the centre of Brighton before I went to meet my family at the pier and play silly slot machine games with my brother. Later on we drove round loads of residential areas in Brighton cause my parents are thinking of moving there if my brother does end up picking Brighton College...SO excited for this prospect!
Saturday evening was my friend's birthday, hence the present buying :) we went to a karaoke place in London which was fantastic! I've only done karaoke once before, and that was on holiday in Hong Kong, I had never thought of doing it here. So much fun though. and trust me, I really can't sing. but still so amusing, I'm so glad I came down for it!
see after the driving and all this fun on Saturday I was really tired and could have murdered a lie-in, but first my dad offered to take me to M&S and buy me food (er, who would refuse?!) and then I decided that I would definitely regret it if I didn't go back into London during the day and do some shopping! the Circle line was down which was incredibly annoying, and meant I didn't get anywhere until 2.30! but hey, I had Wholefoods lunch. totally made up for it. I also bought SO much stuff, will detail and probably take a pic when I have a new charger (next part of the saga, mine is lost, so I have to fork out for another :( ). did loads of random wandering round London too, it felt really good to be back. I like Durham but it is kiiind of a backwater!
in any case, I just...don't actually think I have words to express how amazing I've felt this weekend. I can't believe I didn't know it was possible to feel this good mentally and physically. since I increased to 3000 calories it's been a total eye-opener...my anxiety has decreased massively and the nature/intensity of my ED thoughts has been totally different. I used to get so angry and frustrated with myself when I was really ill and I read about other awesome bloggers who I may or may not admire greatly being able to ignore the thoughts and make the right choices in spite of them. at that time it felt to me like the eating disorder was literally screaming and drowning everything else out, and often I doubted there was even anything else of me LEFT. but recently...I don't know, it feels like an echo...a little flea in the back of my head periodically making last ditch pathetic attempts to influence me, which I generally laugh at. as I haven't 'worked on' this at all, and my weight is still very low, I can only assume it's a nutritional thing? which a) is awesome and I am loving it, and b) damn why didn't I realise this before! it does make me very very wary and paranoid about skipping or accidentally falling short on anything food wise though, because I'm pretty sure that if I were even on a maintenance diet at this weight things would be right back to where they started. probably a good thing though, a little paranoia about the right things never hurt anyone ;)
in any case, I definitely took advantage of my newfound freedom in terms of food choices this weekend. 'stuff which I never thought I'd keep down' included...
~ pastry (a veggie/cheese pie one night and goats cheese tart the next)
~ chocolate samples in Montezuma's aka best chocolate shop ever
~ cheese & crackers
~ chocolate spread
~ fast food! (on the drive back today...had a KFC toasted twister and BK fries for lunch. KFC fries suck...at least my illness taught me one thing! this was so unbelievable I think I was in shock. since I was 14 I've kept down fast food once, and then it was just fries and I blatantly restricted like crazy afterwards. unfortunately I should have realised that this would mean it would kiiind of mess with my stomach! oh well)
~ brownie sundae which I got from Whole Foods. possibly the scariest one and hardest to sit with. especially as it just got WAY too sickly halfway through and didn't feel worth it. but the victory was worth it :P
~ Krispy Kreme doughnut this afternoon
k think that's it! again, I think I am possibly a little overexcited by the fact that I feel so 'free' and liberated to eat whatever I feel like. I'm sure it will calm down given time though! I keep cycling between craving fast food/high fat/dessert type things and wanting loads of fruit & veggies! I guess my body is confused...
I just dont know what else to write right now. I am still so happy and overwhelmed. obviously I am early on in this journey but I feel SO capable for the first time in years, and trusting in my own judgement. the only thing intruding on my happiness is the worry of 'why me, why now' and 'will it last?'. I intend to make it last though :)
7 comments:
Ohhhh i am so so happy to read this entry, you totally fucking rock girl. So glad you enjoyed saturday night and i was thrilled and touched that you came. Love my cupcake fizzer too :D.
xxxxxxxx
What a fabulous post! And long may the liberation and enjoyment continue :-)
You're awesome.
Sarah x
PS what did you sing at karaoke? haha
I totally suck at this commenting lark..but what the hell!
Nice to finally get an update.. :op I must admit that checking your blog is part of my early morning routine...so.. :o)
Thank you i guess?..
Im really impressed with the immense amount of strength you show in all of this.. You push yourself in ways i often don't think i'll ever be capable of..But then i think about how far you've come..It's inspiring.. (I read your WHOLE blog last week..hehe..yeah..didn't leave the house)...anyway..GO YOU, FI! I think you're utterly amazing..
Muchos love...x x x
Ooh, Chilly needs a blog! Come on woman, you know you want to ;)
I'm really glad you had fun in London :) and well done for all the food highlights! OMG, does Montezuma have a shop in London? I love their chocolate. I disagree about you not being able to sing :P you could definitely hold a tune when we were at that carol service!
Thank you for the mention, I think you are pretty awesome too ;) it's so great that you are feeling so much better Fi, I'm not surprised it's such a revelation, I remember feeling that it was like...I don't know, coming up for air after almost drowning. I tell you what, I still haven't gotten over the novelty of being able to eat what I want, of feeling so much stronger and more healthy. Just random things like having an appropriate emotional response to sad films is like some sort of great discovery :P I know it's scary in that you worry it might disappear again, but I think that's partly because these changes seem to come out of nowhere sometimes. Out of all the people in recovery I've spoken to who have gained weight as outpatients, virtually all of them say the same thing - over a few weeks or even a few days, something just clicked in their heads and it was suddenly possible to fight the eating disorder. So it might be weird but at least it's weird for a lot of people! That suggests that it is definitely possible for it to be a lasting change. You'll probably have to deal with some anxiety later on but it's not so scary when you know that you CAN ignore/live without the eating disorder, it's just a case of sitting it out and telling it to get back in its hole :P being a rebel is fun. I should've done more rebellling when I was a teenager.
You rock :)
Sounds like you had a wonderful time both in Brighton and at home. Don't worry about being mistaken for younger than you are ~ I'm 24 and most people take me for 14 or younger. At least you're tall so you don't look really, really young!
I LOVE those Raw Organic Food Bars...can only get them online though. Which flavour did you try? My favourite was the chocolatey chocolate chip (trust me to like the one invloving variations on chocolate in the name lol) I agree that they are ridiculously pricey though.
I've never had the guts to try karaoke but I'll bet it was wonderful. I'm totally with you on Durham being a drag. I wish I lived near London like you do...back in the spring/summer when my social anxiety was particularly bad I thought I was happy stuck up here in the North East but as I'm starting to learn to cope with my bipolar disorder (so I'm not as afraid of delusions etc while I'm out in public) I'm finding myself pining for somewhere different. Durham is, as you say, a backwater! After 24 years it gets very, very dull...seriously, I'd do anything to be able to get out of here!
I admire Katie too :) However, I also admire you! You've been to the darkest places imaginable and you're still fighting your way out of them. You know what the problems might be and you know how to counter them. I really, really hope that something has truly clicked for you and this is the start of a healthy, happy life.
Chocolate samples in Montezuma's sound divine!
<3
~Jess~
xoxoxoxo
Lol, I get asked at work if Im from school on work experience, it gets slightly annoying after a while!
Its great to hear your thoughts are becoming better, nutrition does play a huge part in it. I find if I cut back a little my thoughts become more obsessive. Katies given some great advice as usual! So just wanted to say Im really happy for you!
xox
Laura
WHOO HOO hunni! So glad that you had such an awesome weekend. I know that things have been ebbing and flowing a bit lately, but I DO think you are one of those people that is trying to make good choices. Like you said, often the noise is so LOUD and awful that its hard to think or choose ANYTHING... but in spite of this, ultimately, you ARE making reasonable choices. Slow and steady but you're doing it and that is awesome.
I"m so thankful that the higher intake is helping so much with your energy levels and mood, that is brilliant! Seriously :) I'm so thankful to hear that. It does make it a bit easier to argue with the noise.
Thinking of you and keep hanging in there cause you are amazing and worth it!
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