slowly getting taller here in Wonderland
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sharing my current 'song on repeat' again :)
Something Corporate - Watch the Sky
I'm lost at sea,
The radio is jamming but they wont find me,
I swear its for the best
And then your frequency is pulling me in closer
Til I'm home.
And I've been up for days
I finally lost my mind
And then I lost my way.
I'm blistered but I'm better and I'm home.
And I will crawl, theres things that aren't worth giving up I know.
But I won't let this get me I will fight.
You live the life you're given with the storms outside somedays all I do is watch the sky.
This room's too small, it's only getting smaller
I'm against the wall, I'm slowly getting taller here in Wonderland.
This guilt feels so familiar and I'm home.
And I will crawl, theres things that aren't worth giving up I know.
But I won't let this get me I will fight.
You live the life you're given with the storms outside somedays all I do is watch the sky,
Somedays all I do is watch the sky.
So I am feeling a little deflated today. Not in a terrible way, strangely it is sort of a relief to have had a day where I HAVE struggled, but I've dealt with it and come out feeling ok, rather than things being almost scarily uncomplicated.
Firstly, I think I'm probably totally sleep deprived! I don't seem to have caught up from this weekend, cause my body is apparently in a 'wow shock horror, what to do with all these nutrients/calories, better stay permanently awake and not miss any chances at getting more!' mode. While at the start of my illness the 5ish hours of sleep I'm getting would have been standard or even good, because of restricting leading to waking really early, I tended to get more like a decent 8 hours in the past few years, I guess cause purging a lot exhausts your body when you're already ill? so it's kind of irritating me :P also my increase last week did help with the incessant hunger throughout the day, but mornings are still really difficult. yesterday I had to grab a bar from the kitchen and sit down quickly to eat it before I made the rest of my breakfast, cause I couldn't stand up for long enough to prepare anything more complicated! amusing later on, but I was annoyed at the time! it is dawning on me now what a difficult and fraught task I took on deciding to refeed as an outpatient from such a low weight. obviously when I was so into the illness I didn't have perspective on how ill I WAS, so it didn't really come into consideration. but having gone through a rollercoaster ride of bizarre physical and mental symptoms in the past five weeks I am a) considering myself very lucky to have made it through the most hazardous part mainly trouble free and b) glad to be getting towards a 'safer' weight so hopefully some things will settle down! in any case I think the physical stuff is messing with me too, cause sleep deprivation and irregular mealtimes have made me feel physically quite off lately. unfortunately my plan to get back to really strict times didn't work this week cause of uni commitments which has been a bit frustrating. it IS good practice to learn to deal with things and switch them around though, for example having something small as an extra snack to eat if I can't get home for a meal and I'm getting dizzy and horrible. while I am balancing out and generally at the same calorie goal every day, I'm glad to be able to work on flexibility, and in fact, not worrying about being say, 50 calories over one day and 50 under the next.
second new thing for today has been starting to put my 'plans' for dealing with weight gain and body image into action. I actually started to come up with some of this in my head last week, but today has been the first time I've really struggled with it to an intrusive extent. now, this stuff may not work for everyone and some of it is actually quite counterintuitive! but, I know what HASN'T worked for me in the past. previously, when gaining weight and particularly at my highest weights, I would avoid addressing body image to some extent. at my highest, I wouldn't open my eyes in the shower or when changing...I never looked at my body, wore hugely baggy clothes, and sometimes wouldn't go out or socialise because of it. now I'm not a subscriber to the view that anorexics quite literally see a 'heavier' image in the mirror. I'm pretty sure that if I had actually forced myself to get used to my body, I could have adjusted to the weight gain. sure, there is an element of comparison and as I was at a highER weight for me it would still have been hard. but no one actually looks fat while still underweight, and I think I was actually barring myself from any chance at realising that by refusing to look at my body and being guided by my preconception that I 'should' look fat at that weight. additionally, it's actually quite difficult for me to even write this, use the 'fat' word (lol) and admit that I did such bizarre things as refusing to even look at my own body. I think to some degree it feels shallow, and also to be honest I feel like a bit of a jerk saying that I have such twisted perspectives on what is a 'comfortable' weight for me (aka emaciated) and what is 'far too high' (nothing of the sort).
anyway. my tactic now is to totally reverse everything I did back then. while it feels embarrassing to me, my judgements about my weight are a) symptoms and b) a reaction to being 'accustomed' to being very underweight. nothing more. so, at the moment I am forcing myself to 'watch myself' gain the weight, wear decently well fitted clothes, and hopefully get used to my body as I go along. I won't lie, it's not comfortable. and I think it's particularly difficult at the moment cause I'm getting close to a weight which I've found it very hard to be over in the last couple of years. but, I do think it is working. this evening I feel a lot more at peace with everything than I did even 12 hours ago I think.
what's ironic is that at my appointment yesterday I was actually utterly shocked at my weigh in! I had gained 2lbs, but after the first week of increasing to 3000 I had expected a really big jump, and I actually blurted out 'oh my gosh!' when I got on the scale! it makes me laugh that my reaction is so totally reversed from what's expected...there have certainly been times when a 2lb gain in a week would have totally send me into a tailspin. however, at the moment every week I seem to expect to gain more than I do, and it is teaching me that my 'expectations' about what a certain amount or type of food will do to my weight are very out of whack. it was also nice again to 'shock' my therapist with my progress, and apparently soon I should be able to be taken off the 'high risk group' for the eating disorders service in my area. the CBT stuff is going well, this week I did a 'pros and cons' list for staying eating disordered (expect there were no cons....oops. I felt silly writing them cause they were so, well, disordered?) I should have kept a copy so I could type it up here, but I'm supposed to be writing a letter from myself in 5 years both recovered and still ill this week, so I will post those when I get around to them.
I've got some fun plans for the next few days :D tomorrow is loads of uni stuff and a seminar on sport in interwar Britain (I know, just why?) but Friday we are doing Dominos night as a house, Saturday planning to go and see Avatar with a friend, aaaand next Tuesday is pancake day! if anyone wants to join me in having pancakes for breakfast that'd be immense :D I am really excited about enjoying a 'food relating socialising opportunity' like this with my housemates without my goddamn eating disorder screwing everything up!
Something Corporate - Watch the Sky
I'm lost at sea,
The radio is jamming but they wont find me,
I swear its for the best
And then your frequency is pulling me in closer
Til I'm home.
And I've been up for days
I finally lost my mind
And then I lost my way.
I'm blistered but I'm better and I'm home.
And I will crawl, theres things that aren't worth giving up I know.
But I won't let this get me I will fight.
You live the life you're given with the storms outside somedays all I do is watch the sky.
This room's too small, it's only getting smaller
I'm against the wall, I'm slowly getting taller here in Wonderland.
This guilt feels so familiar and I'm home.
And I will crawl, theres things that aren't worth giving up I know.
But I won't let this get me I will fight.
You live the life you're given with the storms outside somedays all I do is watch the sky,
Somedays all I do is watch the sky.
So I am feeling a little deflated today. Not in a terrible way, strangely it is sort of a relief to have had a day where I HAVE struggled, but I've dealt with it and come out feeling ok, rather than things being almost scarily uncomplicated.
Firstly, I think I'm probably totally sleep deprived! I don't seem to have caught up from this weekend, cause my body is apparently in a 'wow shock horror, what to do with all these nutrients/calories, better stay permanently awake and not miss any chances at getting more!' mode. While at the start of my illness the 5ish hours of sleep I'm getting would have been standard or even good, because of restricting leading to waking really early, I tended to get more like a decent 8 hours in the past few years, I guess cause purging a lot exhausts your body when you're already ill? so it's kind of irritating me :P also my increase last week did help with the incessant hunger throughout the day, but mornings are still really difficult. yesterday I had to grab a bar from the kitchen and sit down quickly to eat it before I made the rest of my breakfast, cause I couldn't stand up for long enough to prepare anything more complicated! amusing later on, but I was annoyed at the time! it is dawning on me now what a difficult and fraught task I took on deciding to refeed as an outpatient from such a low weight. obviously when I was so into the illness I didn't have perspective on how ill I WAS, so it didn't really come into consideration. but having gone through a rollercoaster ride of bizarre physical and mental symptoms in the past five weeks I am a) considering myself very lucky to have made it through the most hazardous part mainly trouble free and b) glad to be getting towards a 'safer' weight so hopefully some things will settle down! in any case I think the physical stuff is messing with me too, cause sleep deprivation and irregular mealtimes have made me feel physically quite off lately. unfortunately my plan to get back to really strict times didn't work this week cause of uni commitments which has been a bit frustrating. it IS good practice to learn to deal with things and switch them around though, for example having something small as an extra snack to eat if I can't get home for a meal and I'm getting dizzy and horrible. while I am balancing out and generally at the same calorie goal every day, I'm glad to be able to work on flexibility, and in fact, not worrying about being say, 50 calories over one day and 50 under the next.
second new thing for today has been starting to put my 'plans' for dealing with weight gain and body image into action. I actually started to come up with some of this in my head last week, but today has been the first time I've really struggled with it to an intrusive extent. now, this stuff may not work for everyone and some of it is actually quite counterintuitive! but, I know what HASN'T worked for me in the past. previously, when gaining weight and particularly at my highest weights, I would avoid addressing body image to some extent. at my highest, I wouldn't open my eyes in the shower or when changing...I never looked at my body, wore hugely baggy clothes, and sometimes wouldn't go out or socialise because of it. now I'm not a subscriber to the view that anorexics quite literally see a 'heavier' image in the mirror. I'm pretty sure that if I had actually forced myself to get used to my body, I could have adjusted to the weight gain. sure, there is an element of comparison and as I was at a highER weight for me it would still have been hard. but no one actually looks fat while still underweight, and I think I was actually barring myself from any chance at realising that by refusing to look at my body and being guided by my preconception that I 'should' look fat at that weight. additionally, it's actually quite difficult for me to even write this, use the 'fat' word (lol) and admit that I did such bizarre things as refusing to even look at my own body. I think to some degree it feels shallow, and also to be honest I feel like a bit of a jerk saying that I have such twisted perspectives on what is a 'comfortable' weight for me (aka emaciated) and what is 'far too high' (nothing of the sort).
anyway. my tactic now is to totally reverse everything I did back then. while it feels embarrassing to me, my judgements about my weight are a) symptoms and b) a reaction to being 'accustomed' to being very underweight. nothing more. so, at the moment I am forcing myself to 'watch myself' gain the weight, wear decently well fitted clothes, and hopefully get used to my body as I go along. I won't lie, it's not comfortable. and I think it's particularly difficult at the moment cause I'm getting close to a weight which I've found it very hard to be over in the last couple of years. but, I do think it is working. this evening I feel a lot more at peace with everything than I did even 12 hours ago I think.
what's ironic is that at my appointment yesterday I was actually utterly shocked at my weigh in! I had gained 2lbs, but after the first week of increasing to 3000 I had expected a really big jump, and I actually blurted out 'oh my gosh!' when I got on the scale! it makes me laugh that my reaction is so totally reversed from what's expected...there have certainly been times when a 2lb gain in a week would have totally send me into a tailspin. however, at the moment every week I seem to expect to gain more than I do, and it is teaching me that my 'expectations' about what a certain amount or type of food will do to my weight are very out of whack. it was also nice again to 'shock' my therapist with my progress, and apparently soon I should be able to be taken off the 'high risk group' for the eating disorders service in my area. the CBT stuff is going well, this week I did a 'pros and cons' list for staying eating disordered (expect there were no cons....oops. I felt silly writing them cause they were so, well, disordered?) I should have kept a copy so I could type it up here, but I'm supposed to be writing a letter from myself in 5 years both recovered and still ill this week, so I will post those when I get around to them.
I've got some fun plans for the next few days :D tomorrow is loads of uni stuff and a seminar on sport in interwar Britain (I know, just why?) but Friday we are doing Dominos night as a house, Saturday planning to go and see Avatar with a friend, aaaand next Tuesday is pancake day! if anyone wants to join me in having pancakes for breakfast that'd be immense :D I am really excited about enjoying a 'food relating socialising opportunity' like this with my housemates without my goddamn eating disorder screwing everything up!
4 comments:
I think I'm running out of ways to express how impressed I am! You always show such insight and positivity and I feel privileged to witness this journey of yours!
You are living proof that someone can take recovery into their own hands, and it makes me smile to think about how shocked the professionals are. Hehe you absolute star.
Re: body image, I found that it helped to look at myself in the mirror regularly (not to the extent of it being ridiculously compulsive) but by making myself 'face' my ever changing body regularly I was more able to cope with the changes.
Reading your posts makes me want to have a party in celebration of your progress! haha :-)
Sarah x
Lets invite Sarah to the five year party too!
Ooh, I'll have pancakes on Tuesday too and post a photo of them to my blog :) pancakes are definitely photo-worthy.
I like your body image tactics. I accepted that I was going to feel 'too big' from the start, because that's a natural and temporary part of recovery. I think it helped that I stuck the idea firmly in my head that only recovery would help with that feeling - losing weight again just makes it worse long term, because the weight that seems comfortable gets lower and lower. The eating disorder creates the problem in the first place, so the eating disorder is not the solution. Epic logic going on there :P anyway, I think it's really sensible to try a sort of exposure therapy approach! Now I'm at a healthy weight I do look at myself in the mirror far more, and there is a big gap between how I thought I'd look at this weight when I was ill and how I do look now. You're not a shallow jerk anyway, you are a nice person with an eating disorder! And don't panic if things do get a bit harder when you get to certain weights. In fact, if you stay rational about it, the fact that it DOES happen at certain weights can be helpful. I had weeks of feeling enormous and dreadful mood swings at 'significant' numbers, but the fact that I was doing most of the freaking out after getting to meaningful BMIs helped me see that it was clearly bollocks and to sit with it. It always went away after a while ;) score 5748 for recovery.
By the way, you rock. It's 9.15am so I haven't told you that today :P oh no wait, we were talking this morning technically weren't we. Hmm. Well, you still rock!
Its great to hear your learning to be flexible with meals and stuff because your not always going to be at home at a certain time or have a certain snack with you, so adjusting this is really good :-)
Your progress again amazes me.
I think the body image is a hard one to tackle. I wore clothes I felt comfortable in like looser sorts and I also made sure I didnt hang onto any small fitting clothes for to long.
I think really you just have to rationalise with yourself, your eating to try to gain weight so of course your going to see or feel a difference.
People have suggested doing things like pampering yourself to help make you feel better about your body?
Anyhow I think your just great :-)
xox
Laura
Glad things are really coming together for you :) Self-awareness seems to be the biggest gun in your arsenal when it comes to anticipating possible problems and you're still holding strong. Developing these strategies and plans is a brilliant idea - I think the key is striking a balance between not avoiding mirrors or tighter clothing and obsessing over reflections / using clothes to make ourselves more weight-conscious. Acknowledging the changes and gradually accepting them is a good idea and one which I've always had trouble with too (though it's a little different because I've been at the higher end of the weight spectrum). You're so far away from ever looking 'fat' and it's great that you've realised that your disordered thoughts are teling you that anything under the umbrella of 'slightly less dangerously underweight' = fat. I'm sure that shocking your therapist was deeply satisfying :D Though I'm not shocked at all: knew you had it in you all the long!
<3
~Jess~
P.S Have a wonderful time seeing Avatar. I want to see it so badly so you'll have to give a mini-review some time ;)
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