can we take a ride, get out of this place while we still have time?
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more music :)
I have an odd feeling that I will remember today for a long time, whatever happens going onwards from here.
First thing: I increased my calories to 3000 today. Honestly, I actually decided to do it this morning before breakfast! I'd toyed with the idea since I realised that almost a week had gone by and I'd only gained 1/2 a lb, plus I was getting hungry to a really unpleasant degree. I also ended up binge/purging the other night, and I'm almost certain the trigger was hunger. I'd already made peace with the fact that I wouldn't stop cold turkey, but it seemed unnecessary and annoyed me. My thought process this morning went like this...sure I could leave it, keep gaining 1/2 or 1lb a week and wait. But with the amount of weight I have to restore it seems likely that I won't get the whole way on 2500, especially as I only gained about 4kg on that much last time at home before it slowed to a halt. So I just decided to take the leap, as I figured if I were less hungry it would probably help things mentally and also with the b/ping, plus the art of fitting 3000 calories into a busy day is an excellent way to challenge your eating disorder ;)
So yep, it actually went really well. I don't feel too full or anything actually, although having eaten 2 chocolate bars and lots of other 'dense' things may have helped. I'm really glad I took this step :) it could just be a placebo effect but I also feel a lot calmer mentally. I know I'll probably have another big weight jump at the end of the week but that's ok too. to be quite honest, as un-anorexic as it may sound, I've spent too long in horrible places weight wise and I want out, asap.
I also went out for the meal at ASK with my housemate :D this is the other main part of the day that made me feel I'll remember it. she ordered the classic burger, and I got the chicken one, which was a pan fried chicken breast on ciabatta with salad and pesto mayo, and a big bowl of chips which I ate with tonnes of ketchup. I went to the bathroom after we paid the bill and looked at myself in the mirror. just cause. it was so trippy to see ME staring back, with my size 6 skinny jeans on and the ugly angular jawbones which I detest (none of the weight gain seems to have gone to my face yet? grrr!). to know that it was me who just did that. talk about feeling disconnected from reality! but in a good way, I think!
I've been sitting here thinking for the past hour about what changed. why I've been able to do the things I have in the past few weeks. when I was younger I always assumed there'd be a turning point, a realisation. something really dreadful happening and me realising that living with anorexia wasn't worth it. and sure, there was the scare I had in January with my heart. but that wasn't it. I've actually had symptoms of cardiac arrest before, but that time I was utterly in denial, and as I was at a bmi in the 15s I decided this meant it 'wasn't bad enough' to warrant y'know, going to a hospital. the thought of actually believing that rubbish just makes me feel sick now. so my point is, there have been lots of 'moments'. the purportedly incredibly dramatic 'life changing' stuff which doesn't really change your life. inpatient didn't change it. going into a general hospital because of my low potassium didn't change it. being tube fed didn't make me decided I had 'taken it far enough'. I'm still not sure what DID change if I'm honest. what I know is, I'm not recovering because of how ill I've been. I'm recovering because of how healthy I HAVEN'T been. because of the dreams I had as a kid which would never get realised if I was starving and running round Tesco's late at night, and trying to avoid being sectioned. because of the degree I want to do well in instead of scrape through. because of the friends I want to have who can hold a conversation with me without being distracted by the fact that I look like I have some kind of illness. I am going to stop now before I feel like my blog has been filled with cheese. but you get the idea ;)
incidentally, thank you SO much to everyone who gave me advice and pros & cons on my last post. it has really helped me think. for the moment I am still skeptical about the idea. like some of you I've 'stopped' at bmi 15 before and it didn't work out well at all. I also don't really want to go through the triggering process of reducing what I'm eating then having to increase again. I am going to hold the possibility in the back of my head though, so we shall see :)
I'm going out tomorrow for sushi again, then home to London at the weekend for another good friend's birthday :D so hopefully will get my camera charger then and take some photos finally! might even make it to Wholefoods! but I also want to get fast food while I do the motorway journey down. just for another challenge ;)
I have an odd feeling that I will remember today for a long time, whatever happens going onwards from here.
First thing: I increased my calories to 3000 today. Honestly, I actually decided to do it this morning before breakfast! I'd toyed with the idea since I realised that almost a week had gone by and I'd only gained 1/2 a lb, plus I was getting hungry to a really unpleasant degree. I also ended up binge/purging the other night, and I'm almost certain the trigger was hunger. I'd already made peace with the fact that I wouldn't stop cold turkey, but it seemed unnecessary and annoyed me. My thought process this morning went like this...sure I could leave it, keep gaining 1/2 or 1lb a week and wait. But with the amount of weight I have to restore it seems likely that I won't get the whole way on 2500, especially as I only gained about 4kg on that much last time at home before it slowed to a halt. So I just decided to take the leap, as I figured if I were less hungry it would probably help things mentally and also with the b/ping, plus the art of fitting 3000 calories into a busy day is an excellent way to challenge your eating disorder ;)
So yep, it actually went really well. I don't feel too full or anything actually, although having eaten 2 chocolate bars and lots of other 'dense' things may have helped. I'm really glad I took this step :) it could just be a placebo effect but I also feel a lot calmer mentally. I know I'll probably have another big weight jump at the end of the week but that's ok too. to be quite honest, as un-anorexic as it may sound, I've spent too long in horrible places weight wise and I want out, asap.
I also went out for the meal at ASK with my housemate :D this is the other main part of the day that made me feel I'll remember it. she ordered the classic burger, and I got the chicken one, which was a pan fried chicken breast on ciabatta with salad and pesto mayo, and a big bowl of chips which I ate with tonnes of ketchup. I went to the bathroom after we paid the bill and looked at myself in the mirror. just cause. it was so trippy to see ME staring back, with my size 6 skinny jeans on and the ugly angular jawbones which I detest (none of the weight gain seems to have gone to my face yet? grrr!). to know that it was me who just did that. talk about feeling disconnected from reality! but in a good way, I think!
I've been sitting here thinking for the past hour about what changed. why I've been able to do the things I have in the past few weeks. when I was younger I always assumed there'd be a turning point, a realisation. something really dreadful happening and me realising that living with anorexia wasn't worth it. and sure, there was the scare I had in January with my heart. but that wasn't it. I've actually had symptoms of cardiac arrest before, but that time I was utterly in denial, and as I was at a bmi in the 15s I decided this meant it 'wasn't bad enough' to warrant y'know, going to a hospital. the thought of actually believing that rubbish just makes me feel sick now. so my point is, there have been lots of 'moments'. the purportedly incredibly dramatic 'life changing' stuff which doesn't really change your life. inpatient didn't change it. going into a general hospital because of my low potassium didn't change it. being tube fed didn't make me decided I had 'taken it far enough'. I'm still not sure what DID change if I'm honest. what I know is, I'm not recovering because of how ill I've been. I'm recovering because of how healthy I HAVEN'T been. because of the dreams I had as a kid which would never get realised if I was starving and running round Tesco's late at night, and trying to avoid being sectioned. because of the degree I want to do well in instead of scrape through. because of the friends I want to have who can hold a conversation with me without being distracted by the fact that I look like I have some kind of illness. I am going to stop now before I feel like my blog has been filled with cheese. but you get the idea ;)
incidentally, thank you SO much to everyone who gave me advice and pros & cons on my last post. it has really helped me think. for the moment I am still skeptical about the idea. like some of you I've 'stopped' at bmi 15 before and it didn't work out well at all. I also don't really want to go through the triggering process of reducing what I'm eating then having to increase again. I am going to hold the possibility in the back of my head though, so we shall see :)
I'm going out tomorrow for sushi again, then home to London at the weekend for another good friend's birthday :D so hopefully will get my camera charger then and take some photos finally! might even make it to Wholefoods! but I also want to get fast food while I do the motorway journey down. just for another challenge ;)
5 comments:
"I'm not recovering because of how ill I've been. I'm recovering because of how healthy I HAVEN'T been"
EPIC. I am beginning to think that if you analysed our conversations this would be the most frequently occurring word :P but you deserve it! I think the same thing occurred to me as well. I didn't start trying to recover because I thought the illness couldn't get any worse (we all know it can always get worse...), it was because I wanted my life back. Aw Fi, I'm so happy that things are looking up for you at last. Well done for increasing, sounds like a really good decision, I hope you carry on feeling the benefits! I could just sit here all evening and go on about how great you are but I think I should go to bed now :P
xxx
That quote that Katie picked out really stands out for me too...honestly every time I read your posts your amazing attitude towards recovery just totally bowls me over!
Increasing your intake is such a positive thing, it's surprising how much you actually need to eat to gain. I remember being shocked at how much I had to eat to gain on bedrest, so given that you are active it's a good idea to compensate for that.
Keep up the good work :-)
Sarah x
ps thanks for commenting/saying you'd read my stuff, it means alot
Hey chicka :)
I'm here and reading, just exhausted. So just popping in to say Hi really!
re stopping and starting weight gain etc... that is sorta where I'm at. I don't think I would recommend it per se overall, but I think it is valid when you have people that are likely to increase b/p or freak out and drop weight quickly etc. For me, I need to keep my weight above a safe weight (aka above bmi 15) but if its below 16, then the constant focus is on the eating disorder, if its above 16 then I'm allowed to try and do "other" work as long as I'm stable... but I know that its not sustainable long term either... its only really to stabilise other areas so that we can progress with the ed, progress with other stuff, ed, other stuff etc....
Hope i'm making sense.
Thinking of you hunni xoxox
Speechless, that's what I am. Well, not enough to stop me from extemporising at length about why I'm speechless, but you get my drift ;)
I think everything you are doing at the moment is really geared towards a long-lasting commitment to recovery and being stable. Good for you for taking that leap and focusing on the things that you can achieve, instead of the negatives of how many life-threatening situations your ED has put you through. The longing for health is a really powerful motivator in my opinion and the challenges you have faced just show that the primary thing which you are gaining from this experience is STRENGTH.
It sounds like you're truly learning more about what makes you tick and the psychology behind your ED, which is so crucial in developing coping mechanisms to beat it.
Have a wonderful time in London :)
<3
~Jess~
This post made me smile. Sorry I haven't been around in a while, I'm so happy to see you doing so much better than you were last time I checked in.
Hope you have a good weekend x
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