running up that hill

despite being a Sunday, today was destined to be a good one because of the 4 hour marathon of 'Lie To Me' on Sky 2 this afternoon. I officially love Tim Roth and am a TV addict. hadn't seen any of these, it was the first four episodes, and I loved them! they were slightly spoiled by my parents getting home for the last one and making random comments about how much they hated it...terrible taste I tell you! they hate House too :O shocking I know.

also, I am so clumsy it's almost unreal! and apparently have issues with actually feeling pain at appropriate times. remember my shaving cut/graze? and how I didn't feel it until I saw the blood? well. I went running along that amazing path by the Thames this morning and didn't notice I had somehow acquired a nasty cut on my foot until I got back and was greeted by this...



yep, that's blood :P and I hadn't felt a thing. it hurts now though! I feel rather special having had this happen twice during what, two/three weeks of running? on that note though, it has occurred to me that I am REALLY ignorant about exercise in all forms. seriously! you guys have to help me out here. it may sound a little weird but even when I was purely restrictive AN I was of the 'I'd rather sit on my butt and not eat' school of thought...when I was admitted this winter and I did a questionnaire on exercise addiction I got the lowest possible score, which apparently is lower than a lot of 'healthy' people, lol. but besides that tangent the point is that I don't know how to train, how to rest, how to stretch, what sort of thing to eat before I run, after...you know, anything! I am making a project of researching now, because I will actually injure myself if I continue just going with the flow!

the rest of today has been uneventful, I am just panicking about my review on Tuesday and that has me thinking about uni, of course. I can't ever seem to talk in 'whole family reviews' (they involve a doctor, a CPN, me and my parents) because my family don't talk about much at home so it's a totally false environment. I also know I will be weighed and it will inevitably set the tone for whether it's a positive meeting or not. I know there will be a gain from last time, but I'd so much like it to be a fairly substantial one and I'm not sure exactly what will happen. my body seems totally unpredictable so we'll see.

I can't get too fixated, anyway, cause I most probably won't have a scale in the house at uni. at least that's my line of thinking at the moment, although I'm slightly worried about it now and not sure whether it's the right thing. even though I've talked on here about taking things slowly, I 100% do want to get to my final target weight as an end result. I tend to see it as a different type of 'negotiating'...bear with me here as it's an odd metaphor. sometimes in treatment there is this idea that you never 'give an inch' or 'negotiate' with your ED, it's basically like negotiating with Al Qaeda. well, I work with a slightly different approach to recovery. despite the rhetoric, governments DO negotiate with terrorists cause they realise that the terrorist has the power and resources to blow them up :P but they do so with the end goal of winning the war! rather than the kind of 'fake negotiation' which is seen both in politics and with anorexics, where the end goal is basically to let yourself be walked all over while pretending to negotiate! long ramble. point of it is - I need to get my weight up a fair bit more, and I am slightly worried that uni will allow me to let this fall by the wayside. so perhaps I need a scale glaring at me in the bathroom to remind me of this goal. and perhaps I could throw it out once I get there! or smash it! I haven't decided yet, I'm just rambling about it. but any thoughts welcome :)

a positive note to finish on: I ran out of something I had planned to have for this evening's snack. initially I got freaked out, but then decided on another,er, challenge shall we say? I haven't kept down 'dessert' in a very, very long time outside of IP. I don't even really want to think about how long, it's sad! I've had chocolate, sweets, sweet things...but never an actual dessert. firstly, I think they have bad associations. pie, pie more pie and custard in hospital did not do me any favours! secondly, I eat little and often cause of my GI issues so dessert post-meal wouldn't work. ANYWAY, I saw that my parents had brought this back from their weekend away, and I wanted some. so I had a slice. surprisingly uneventful! everything gets so much easier and less terrifying when you are eating a lot more :P hopefully my stomach will agree, because I'm sure the fat content is, er, high...but I'm going to sleep now so I have a good chance to digest and wake up feeling good! ahhh the power of positive thinking...