running up that hill

ok perhaps a little dramatic! but seriously...after many conversations with Katie we have concluded that weight restoration is like going through puberty twice (or three, four, five...you get the picture but this is the LAST time I tell you!)

so remember my awful dreading nothing mood yesterday. today I woke up feeling amazing and I have no idea why. it's times like this that keep me going, because I swear over the past few weeks as my weight has gone up I've been SO much more...sane? normal? happy? I don't know. I did feel physically better when I was gaining in hospital but perhaps I wasn't on board mentally, or perhaps I hadn't gained enough...I don't know but for the first time I feel really huge changes mentally. I don't feel like an addict in withdrawal anymore at all...today I was looking back on times when I used to literally spend my life on my ED and it seems so damn unappealing, monotonous, sad. I mean seriously, I used to spend every damn spare waking moment eating? how mind numbing. and this isn't in a 'but I secretly want to restrict' way...asides from purging anorexia I have three relapses worth of experience with restrictive type and I can testify that it's hell painted in different colours ;) in any case the idea bores the life out of me. I've even been eating my meals a heck of a lot quicker because, really, I get bored! which is so freeing. I've always eaten fairly slowly and it helps me to digest better, but before I ate more slowly because I was scared, I guess. every bite was thought about, considered. now I am just eating, it's cool!

anyway in a more mundane record of progress, my weight was up another kg this morning :D (and that is exactly the emotion I felt, lol). annoyingly it was :D at first and then a whole load of overanalysing and confusion, but never mind. in any case I am 2kg away from the weight I agreed with my doctor that I'd be before moving out to uni! I move in 15 days so it's a bit touch and go there to be honest, but freshers doesn't start until just under a month's time so I can always make it by then. it's not my highest weight I'm aiming for but I've never in my life stayed there long term...it's always been gain up to it, or a few kg higher, then relapse badly. so this time is going to have to be VERY different.

I took some pics today so I have to tell you about my day ok? actually it wasn't exactly thrilling but it was pretty much my one day relaxing at home this week so I had to get stuff done. stuff being shopping!



I really like Frosties, k? I wonder how long 750g will last...seeing as I use a 60g serving probably not very! to all others who said that 30g serving sizes are for crazies (or small children) I wholeheartedly agree...



here's the new stuff I bought...you don't need to see all my 'same old' shopping! flaked rice was recommended by Katie as it's fibre free...I will try it soon. Sainsburys fromage frais was an idea from Ellie, thank you! I already tried this and LOVE it. other stuff is tinned pineapple (did you know this has very little fibre? omg I was excited, I want fruit!), Sainsbury's spaghetti hoops (Heinz made theirs multigrain. fail Heinz, stop catering to normal healthy people and start catering to me!), marshmallow wafers, V8, japanese curry sauce and rice noodles.
ok funny story about the V8. I wanted to get a veggie fix without killing my digestive system. thought this would do the trick. what I didn't realise is that it's overwhelmingly TOMATO flavoured! I HATE tomatoes with a burning passion. gross. so basically I chucked it in the bin, and went out later in the day to buy some of their carrot/tropical fruit juice instead. you wouldn't get me to drink tomato juice if I were dying of thirst. if anyone's interested that curry sauce is good, and new as far as I know. it's not very spicy though. spice = my best friend and this made me sad.

after my grocery buying fun I had lunch then went running :) this was my reward to myself for my most recent bmi 'threshold' reached, although I don't intend to do more than about 6k a week until I'm at 17.5/18 or so. I did 1.5k today and it felt REALLY good. sidenote - I'm a bad Brit, I don't do miles. I ran 1.5 and 3k when I was at school so those are distances I 'get'. years of muscle wastage are killing me though, it took me over 8 minutes and I used to be able to do under 7 without much sweat :( but I'm sure it will come back! I'd love to be able to run for longer too but I always did middle distance...I tended to not have the patience to properly train for long races and just work on the assumption that pure willpower and stubborness would get me through. this is not the case when you have a body attached people. must undo what is obviously a sign of my general life mentality!

after I ran I ate, watched some TV, played cards then had dinner (rice noodles with tofu and the japanese curry sauce, yay!). I fell asleep AGAIN after dinner, I keep doing this! it's almost like I sleep twice cause I nap in the evening for an hour or two, then stay up late and sleep til morning. weirdness. am currently blogging and just ate this...



60g for the WIN. I need to sleep ASAP cause I'm going out tomorrow with someone I haven't seen in a loooong time, and I need to get into London early to pick up some things I need before I meet my other friend to go to the cinema. I have a feeling my vampiric stay up all night nature may be genetic and incurable. but nevermind!