busy busy busy
16:49 Edit This 4 Comments »
I really need to stop blogging late at night, I'm so tired! I always get paranoid that I write incoherently at this time too! Still, I've been out all day so this time I have an excuse :)
Have been in Brighton with some friends...first check out my pictures, I made sure to take a lot for you guys!
lunch at a ridiculously cheap & cheerful Chinese which we used to go to when we were at school. plastic plates/cups and all! mine is king prawn stir fry with ho fun noodles (basically flat rice noodles). tasted amazing and thankfully didn't bother my stomach too badly considering the probable fat content. I love going back to visit places I spent a lot of time in with friends, always good memories!
some graffiti in the Lanes (shopping area) which I thought would make a good photo.
soy lattes are happy :)
going out to London tomorrow too, this week is turning out to be pretty busy and pretty expensive! at the moment I am pretty much planning to start showing fiscal resonsibility when I get to uni...oh well. hanging around with my friends a lot is giving me more confidence for moving out...I seem to do SO much better when around other people, not just behaviourally but mentally too. I feel more stable and happy, and my thoughts are far less distorted. I actually got annoyed today cause I really wanted to buy a dress but when I tried it on the fact that it showed too much of my arms/shoulders meant that I looked stupid & like I needed to add half a stone to look vaguely decent. totally bizarre experience! when I'm alone I tend to be totally accustomed to the way I look, and now, with half my weight restoration done, I would generally tend towards thinking I should be done already.
slightly annoying thing playing on my mind - I got a letter from the local ED team saying they've called me to try and arrange appointments and I haven't answered...probably since I missed my last one then was in Yorkshire away from my home phone and with crap mobile signal. anyway. I am so sorely tempted not to bother going in until my final review the week before I move out. this rings alarm bells, I don't know whether it's a bad idea because last time I stopped contact with them it ended in total chaos! but I can't see myself getting anything out of it - my appointments consist of being told to eat 2000 calories a day (and I often eat a bit more than this b/c I am hungry since I stopped killing my stomach with fibre and can actually feel hunger! and THAT obviously makes me feel like crap when I'm being told to eat less lol) and being told that purging is ineffective (arghhhhh). so the question is, am I reluctant to make one or two more appointments before I go to uni because of the useless nature of them, or because I am being stubborn and have the attitude that I'm doing good behaviourally recently (eating well, not b/ping) and my weight is at a more reasonable level now so I don't think I 'need' them? I have to admit, I am also pretty AWFUL about being weighed when I'm not emaciated or very close to it. I tend to refuse flat out at times and it really bothers me because I have enough trouble seeing higher numbers myself when I am 'in control' of the situation, but being weighed by someone else is even more difficult for me because I don't have a choice about it and I don't seem to be able to 'psych myself up' in the same way. now that I think about it this is probably another big reason I don't want to go in. but I'm not sure if that's something that needs to be worked through or not. I mean, being weighed by a random person you don't really trust or like isn't part of normal life I need to adjust to right? argh. I am confusing myself now, I should go to bed :)
Have been in Brighton with some friends...first check out my pictures, I made sure to take a lot for you guys!
lunch at a ridiculously cheap & cheerful Chinese which we used to go to when we were at school. plastic plates/cups and all! mine is king prawn stir fry with ho fun noodles (basically flat rice noodles). tasted amazing and thankfully didn't bother my stomach too badly considering the probable fat content. I love going back to visit places I spent a lot of time in with friends, always good memories!
some graffiti in the Lanes (shopping area) which I thought would make a good photo.
soy lattes are happy :)
going out to London tomorrow too, this week is turning out to be pretty busy and pretty expensive! at the moment I am pretty much planning to start showing fiscal resonsibility when I get to uni...oh well. hanging around with my friends a lot is giving me more confidence for moving out...I seem to do SO much better when around other people, not just behaviourally but mentally too. I feel more stable and happy, and my thoughts are far less distorted. I actually got annoyed today cause I really wanted to buy a dress but when I tried it on the fact that it showed too much of my arms/shoulders meant that I looked stupid & like I needed to add half a stone to look vaguely decent. totally bizarre experience! when I'm alone I tend to be totally accustomed to the way I look, and now, with half my weight restoration done, I would generally tend towards thinking I should be done already.
slightly annoying thing playing on my mind - I got a letter from the local ED team saying they've called me to try and arrange appointments and I haven't answered...probably since I missed my last one then was in Yorkshire away from my home phone and with crap mobile signal. anyway. I am so sorely tempted not to bother going in until my final review the week before I move out. this rings alarm bells, I don't know whether it's a bad idea because last time I stopped contact with them it ended in total chaos! but I can't see myself getting anything out of it - my appointments consist of being told to eat 2000 calories a day (and I often eat a bit more than this b/c I am hungry since I stopped killing my stomach with fibre and can actually feel hunger! and THAT obviously makes me feel like crap when I'm being told to eat less lol) and being told that purging is ineffective (arghhhhh). so the question is, am I reluctant to make one or two more appointments before I go to uni because of the useless nature of them, or because I am being stubborn and have the attitude that I'm doing good behaviourally recently (eating well, not b/ping) and my weight is at a more reasonable level now so I don't think I 'need' them? I have to admit, I am also pretty AWFUL about being weighed when I'm not emaciated or very close to it. I tend to refuse flat out at times and it really bothers me because I have enough trouble seeing higher numbers myself when I am 'in control' of the situation, but being weighed by someone else is even more difficult for me because I don't have a choice about it and I don't seem to be able to 'psych myself up' in the same way. now that I think about it this is probably another big reason I don't want to go in. but I'm not sure if that's something that needs to be worked through or not. I mean, being weighed by a random person you don't really trust or like isn't part of normal life I need to adjust to right? argh. I am confusing myself now, I should go to bed :)
4 comments:
Hmm.. I can't give you any advise on that...but from what you say, it does seem that you're still struggling with ED issues, esp with "not being emaciated"... But if they are NOt helping but only triggering it, then obviously you've got to do what is best for you...
I believe it's best to be independent in your recovery, so that you recover for YOURSELF and not for the satisfaction of others...It sounds to me that you are already doing pretty well, letting go of a lot of anxieties and enjoying your social life...maybe try out by yourself for sometime...if you feel yourself getting worse, rush back?
I would feel like a total hypocrite if I told you to go back to the prophet of doom and the dietician of ridiculousness considering that I dumped Kate as soon as possible, but I DID already have a therapist for support...so I think I would lean towards putting up with them. It's only another month, then - hopefully - you'll never have to see them again! It's better to be safe than sorry.
Hehe, sorry for adding to the drain on your finances :P I can't wait for Sunday, yay!
I love graffiti when it actually has some artistic merit...most of the stuff I see in the more urban areas near more is generally a complete mess of scrawl.
So happy that your anxiety lessens with your friends and you're feeling more like 'yourself'...perhaps the fact that you were calmer when you were eating was a factor in your stomach being able to cope more effectively.
I think you're best to use your own judgement with the ED team, as depending on the quality of the people you're seeing they can be pretty triggering and often make situations worse, but as Katie said it may be worth just gritting your teeth for one more appointment and then celebrating once they're out of your life for good. And hey, there's no reason to feel bad for going over 2000 kcals if you're hungry ~ I seriously imagine that's a minimum amount and most people seem to be put on at least 2500 anyway, so it's natural that your body might want more.
<3
xoxox
P.S Thanks so much for the compliment re:my marks...I am in awe of your academic ability and rate you (as your blogger name says) as a total genius, so your comment certainly made another positive start to my day today!
There is something about the phrase "fiscal responsibility" that demands that one ignores such responsibility for the present.
It is good to see that you are getting yourself out and about with people quite a bit. I'm not surprised that you feel and behave much better as a result.
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