I hate laptops and I hate Thursdays!
17:16 Edit This 4 Comments »
I am so emotionally exhausted right now, it's taken me about 3 hours of sofa-collapsing and TV watching to push myself into writing this post. I pretty much just want to sum up today in expletives but I will do my best to restrain myself ;)
For a start, I spent most of the morning feeling awful and beating myself up over everything I wrote about yesterday. It's so goddamn frustrating that I finally feel like I am past the ambivalence I had for so long about actual weight gain itself, but now all these doubts and guilt about 'being greedy' or 'eating to gain when I don't need to' come sneaking up on me. I just feel totally pathetic and immature now for even being worried by it, and I don't know why because to be honest it's quite understandable (I am trying out this 'having compassion for yourself' thing? it's weird...) given that I have a meeting next week where I am supposed to be told a meal plan to maintain my weight, and I've been feeling overly full and not 'ready' to eat when I need to which is pretty much my biggest dread/irrational fear. plus please someone tell me how it's possible to feel too full when all you eat is refined carbs and sugar with absolutely no vegetables? lol, fuck my life. also, someone in real life today asked me 'you're at your target weight now right?'...perfect timing, world.
anyway moving on, I think I must have convinced my head to shut up by just sticking my fingers in my ears and yelling 'I'M NOT LISTENING FUCK YOU' as though I were four years old! haven't really worried about anything like that this afternoon/evening, but unfortunately mostly because I was feeling generally low, crap, and lacking in motivation to think about or do anything really. plus worrying about real life fun which I can't even write about here...ok to be honest I can't write about it anywhere. it is kind of hitting me that I need a therapist purely because I want to talk to someone who actually has to keep confidentiality...good thing I am moving soon. I also fell asleep for half of the afternoon which totally f-uped when I was supposed to eat...if you ever have the inclination to end up in a position where you have to try cramming 1500 calories into 5 hours with very little fat content...just don't! I practically started crying into the toaster when I burnt a piece for the FOURTH time cause I was so irritated and not paying attention to it. just in that sort of mood today, I think a red light changing at the wrong time could probably make me cry! realising that my laptop is definitely broken beyond repair and I'm going to have to buy a new one in the next two weeks definitely DID make me cry :P another 'don't do it'...Dell laptops! because I am feeling sorry for myself I have to show you...check this out ;)
For a start, I spent most of the morning feeling awful and beating myself up over everything I wrote about yesterday. It's so goddamn frustrating that I finally feel like I am past the ambivalence I had for so long about actual weight gain itself, but now all these doubts and guilt about 'being greedy' or 'eating to gain when I don't need to' come sneaking up on me. I just feel totally pathetic and immature now for even being worried by it, and I don't know why because to be honest it's quite understandable (I am trying out this 'having compassion for yourself' thing? it's weird...) given that I have a meeting next week where I am supposed to be told a meal plan to maintain my weight, and I've been feeling overly full and not 'ready' to eat when I need to which is pretty much my biggest dread/irrational fear. plus please someone tell me how it's possible to feel too full when all you eat is refined carbs and sugar with absolutely no vegetables? lol, fuck my life. also, someone in real life today asked me 'you're at your target weight now right?'...perfect timing, world.
anyway moving on, I think I must have convinced my head to shut up by just sticking my fingers in my ears and yelling 'I'M NOT LISTENING FUCK YOU' as though I were four years old! haven't really worried about anything like that this afternoon/evening, but unfortunately mostly because I was feeling generally low, crap, and lacking in motivation to think about or do anything really. plus worrying about real life fun which I can't even write about here...ok to be honest I can't write about it anywhere. it is kind of hitting me that I need a therapist purely because I want to talk to someone who actually has to keep confidentiality...good thing I am moving soon. I also fell asleep for half of the afternoon which totally f-uped when I was supposed to eat...if you ever have the inclination to end up in a position where you have to try cramming 1500 calories into 5 hours with very little fat content...just don't! I practically started crying into the toaster when I burnt a piece for the FOURTH time cause I was so irritated and not paying attention to it. just in that sort of mood today, I think a red light changing at the wrong time could probably make me cry! realising that my laptop is definitely broken beyond repair and I'm going to have to buy a new one in the next two weeks definitely DID make me cry :P another 'don't do it'...Dell laptops! because I am feeling sorry for myself I have to show you...check this out ;)
4 comments:
apologies for misunderstanding you yesterday, I think my head was full of interview <3
I'm sorry you've had such a bad day. I think what I was trying to get at yesterday is that I found myself freaking out over the same thing. My period tends to come back about 10-15lbs before I reach a weight which I logically know is healthy for me, but all logic flew out the window for a couple of days when it first turned up because like you, I didn't feel hungry, wasn't obsessing about food, obviously the hormones of doom were working properly...so I felt really greedy for continuing to eat enough to gain weight (Wow, that was the longest sentence ever!). What I meant yesterday was that trying to fight EDs with logic is good, I definitely do that a lot - BUT it can't be your only method, because sometimes there aren't any answers that you can find out without a biomedical degree! From what I remember, what got me past that problem was realising that I shouldn't need to justify gaining more weight, I already have all the important facts: women get their periods back at all sorts of different weights, the healthy weight range for someone of my age and height starts at Xlbs, if I stopped here then I would have to restrict in the long term, and the research states that I will not only be far more resilient to relapse if I continue to a healthy weight but also my bone density will recover more quickly and my immune system will have a better chance of not being ridiculous. So I told myself that feeling greedy and like I needed permission to eat was just another symptom of the anorexia, and that I needed to stick to my original plan. What I was trying to get at is that in some situations trying to fight an eating disorder with logic can be counterproductive, because it reinforces the idea in your head that you need permission to eat or weigh a certain amount. I don't know if that makes any more sense? Lol I hope so, I don't want to leave the three different versions of the same comment worded more or less incoherantly and have you be sitting there swearing at me through your laptop screen :P
I hope today is better anyway <3 and don't forget what you reminded me of last time I was having a crappy day with the ED - there are certain common points at which a lot of people have extra difficulties (something like after the first 10-15lbs, as you get close to 17.5 and then within 5-10lbs of your target? Something like that). If you stick with it and refuse to believe what it's telling you then it really, honestly does die down again.
xx
Aww it really sounds as though your having one of those days that nothing goes right!
Feeling guilty/greedy about eating is just your ed sneeking back in. Deep down you know yourself that you need to keep eating and that everyone needs to so it doesnt make you greedy. The better you do the harder your ed will try to kick back in, so just keep telling it where to go and carry on ( easier said than done i know).
Hope your weekend picks up, xoxo
I agree about Dell laptops! What kind are you going to buy instead? I need a new one, my Dell is trash (it's ancient though.) I hope your weekend was better than Thursday! xx
I'm sorry you've had such a crap day... "when it rains, it pours," doesn't it?! Hopefully tomorrow is better for you.
As for Dell laptops... I'm shocked, really!! I have three, and they're all Dells... the oldest one is closing in on five years, and while it did just endure a major illness, it's working fine. And they have amazing customer service, which is a big point in their favor! (Especially for techno-dummies like me...)
<3 <3
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