retail therapy
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I get so overwhelmed when I 'put off' blogging for a day but I have things to write about...where do I start?! thank you everyone for wishing me luck in the review. it was actually ok. well I'm not really sure how I feel about it but it didn't affect me badly or anything, all pretty routine really.
we talked about planning, and how I have planned (or not!) my transition to uni. cue me feeling like a right idiot because I must have come across as so unprepared, as though I were attempting to use the opportunity to 'escape' or something. really, there isn't much I actually can do until I'm there, and I said I was confused by all this talk of planning when really, it's just up to me whether it goes well or not. er, do I have a bit of a tendency to reject help and try to be too independent? mayyyybe :P
anyway, turns out the 'plan' that was being talked of basically involved setting a weight which if I drop below 'bad things will start to happen' i.e. communication between my GP and home, I think. supposedly to catch things before I go totally insane. good safety net, honestly though I was thinking 'oh fuck, no WAY am I going that low again'...if I did it would almost certainly end in another admission anyway, and just...no. it was slightly depressing that the whole meeting was about what might happen if I reached a dangerously low weight though, not the possibility of any improvement! on that note though I have broken the plateau I've been stuck at for awhile and gained a bit more :D I'm now, er, 60% of the way from my lowest to my goal? which is pretty cool and encouraging. I think everyone else in the meeting except me was surprised though! I am supposed to set up a meal plan 'for maintenance' too but I ain't going to bother ;) I want to come back at Christmas and shock everyone at home...but this time not because I look like death warmed up, in a good way!
the rest of my day has been one of those where every little irritating thing possible happens, but I'm in a good mood! loving it. the annoyances though? well firstly, it took me 45 minutes to make the 15 min drive back from my review, what with early morning traffic. I'd gotten up at 7.30 (this is WAY early for me. practically inhuman!) and it was 10 by the time I got home, not having eaten yet. yeahhhh you can imagine I was one GRUMPY driver! so I had breakfast while watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer (did anyone else's teen years feature this show heavily? lol. James Marsters is still smoking hot!) messed around on MSN and talked to Katie. most exciting part...you can see my msn icon in her pic! hehe.
I decided to have a particularly expensive lunch to revel in the last couple of weeks I'll be living at home and able to slyly eat bits and pieces of my parent's food :P
tuna salad toast & smoked salmon/Philadelphia/lemon/black pepper toast. wish I could afford this every day!
post-lunch, the heavens decided to open and there was pretty much a torrential downpour. which, er, kind of spoiled my plan to go for a run! not a fan of being soaked to the skin. still, looking on the bright side of life, it was good to prove to myself that I don't HAVE to run, I just like to. I went shopping instead, ate the same way I'd planned and had a great time! I have itchy feet now and am looking forward to running tomorrow though :) but my shopping trip was time well spent, because I finally managed to buy things I've been looking for for weeks. I have a shopping problem - ok not a 'problem' exactly but a problem in that when I 'need' things I tend to go out and buy totally random other things which I could really do without! so today I found a jacket and some boots, which I've known I needed for my move to the frozen North for ages. check these out, have to show off ;)
lol, do I look like Samara from the Ring? trust me, I look ROUGH today, so you all don't get to see my face. it was the early morning I swear! also, if you ever feel like a challenge try taking a non-blurry picture of yourself with your hair covering your face. tricky! or perhaps I'm just totally un-coordinated...
so shopping has cheered me up :D I am rather pensive following that review though. I think it's kind of hitting me that this is really my last chance at moving away for university. if I end up in such a dangerous position again I don't think anyone will feel safe signing off on me going back to be honest. my outlook feels so different right now, in that the idea of going back there honestly makes me want to cry. in the sense of being incredibly sad that I apparently believed I deserved to go through that, and not to ask for help until my little visit to the general hospital scared me into it. but I know how easy it is for things to slide. I'm up for the challenge, but it's more than a little scary! I've relapsed, well, a lot of times. how many failures does it take before learning from your mistakes becomes easier? is determination enough? it had damn well better be...
we talked about planning, and how I have planned (or not!) my transition to uni. cue me feeling like a right idiot because I must have come across as so unprepared, as though I were attempting to use the opportunity to 'escape' or something. really, there isn't much I actually can do until I'm there, and I said I was confused by all this talk of planning when really, it's just up to me whether it goes well or not. er, do I have a bit of a tendency to reject help and try to be too independent? mayyyybe :P
anyway, turns out the 'plan' that was being talked of basically involved setting a weight which if I drop below 'bad things will start to happen' i.e. communication between my GP and home, I think. supposedly to catch things before I go totally insane. good safety net, honestly though I was thinking 'oh fuck, no WAY am I going that low again'...if I did it would almost certainly end in another admission anyway, and just...no. it was slightly depressing that the whole meeting was about what might happen if I reached a dangerously low weight though, not the possibility of any improvement! on that note though I have broken the plateau I've been stuck at for awhile and gained a bit more :D I'm now, er, 60% of the way from my lowest to my goal? which is pretty cool and encouraging. I think everyone else in the meeting except me was surprised though! I am supposed to set up a meal plan 'for maintenance' too but I ain't going to bother ;) I want to come back at Christmas and shock everyone at home...but this time not because I look like death warmed up, in a good way!
the rest of my day has been one of those where every little irritating thing possible happens, but I'm in a good mood! loving it. the annoyances though? well firstly, it took me 45 minutes to make the 15 min drive back from my review, what with early morning traffic. I'd gotten up at 7.30 (this is WAY early for me. practically inhuman!) and it was 10 by the time I got home, not having eaten yet. yeahhhh you can imagine I was one GRUMPY driver! so I had breakfast while watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer (did anyone else's teen years feature this show heavily? lol. James Marsters is still smoking hot!) messed around on MSN and talked to Katie. most exciting part...you can see my msn icon in her pic! hehe.
I decided to have a particularly expensive lunch to revel in the last couple of weeks I'll be living at home and able to slyly eat bits and pieces of my parent's food :P
tuna salad toast & smoked salmon/Philadelphia/lemon/black pepper toast. wish I could afford this every day!
post-lunch, the heavens decided to open and there was pretty much a torrential downpour. which, er, kind of spoiled my plan to go for a run! not a fan of being soaked to the skin. still, looking on the bright side of life, it was good to prove to myself that I don't HAVE to run, I just like to. I went shopping instead, ate the same way I'd planned and had a great time! I have itchy feet now and am looking forward to running tomorrow though :) but my shopping trip was time well spent, because I finally managed to buy things I've been looking for for weeks. I have a shopping problem - ok not a 'problem' exactly but a problem in that when I 'need' things I tend to go out and buy totally random other things which I could really do without! so today I found a jacket and some boots, which I've known I needed for my move to the frozen North for ages. check these out, have to show off ;)
lol, do I look like Samara from the Ring? trust me, I look ROUGH today, so you all don't get to see my face. it was the early morning I swear! also, if you ever feel like a challenge try taking a non-blurry picture of yourself with your hair covering your face. tricky! or perhaps I'm just totally un-coordinated...
so shopping has cheered me up :D I am rather pensive following that review though. I think it's kind of hitting me that this is really my last chance at moving away for university. if I end up in such a dangerous position again I don't think anyone will feel safe signing off on me going back to be honest. my outlook feels so different right now, in that the idea of going back there honestly makes me want to cry. in the sense of being incredibly sad that I apparently believed I deserved to go through that, and not to ask for help until my little visit to the general hospital scared me into it. but I know how easy it is for things to slide. I'm up for the challenge, but it's more than a little scary! I've relapsed, well, a lot of times. how many failures does it take before learning from your mistakes becomes easier? is determination enough? it had damn well better be...
7 comments:
In that last paragraph, I completely understand where you are coming from. I'm sure many people who make an effort along the road to recovery hope that they will not relapse, but sadly I don't think we can predict a relapse until it is upon us. Do you think living in a house where it is harder to hide yourself away will make a difference.
I clearly win when it comes to buying random unintended things though. I went into town for a newspaper and came home with an M&S umbrella. I've never used an umbrella in my life so what in the name of buggery possessed me to buy a sodding umbrella?
Fi, this time you have a different mind, you have a different understanding of your body... it may not be smooth sailing but this time YOU are doing it and no one else! I don't know what the future holds but I know int he end its gonna be rainbows :)
xo
Im glad to hear your appointment went well. I think the idea of the weight limit sounds a good idea, I had a similar thing when I was released from hosp if I dropped below a certain weight ever Id be admitted immediately. This helped to keep me motivated and things going, so although I dont think you`ll need the threat at least its there to move you on if times get tough.
Going to uni sounds like it means a lot to you and it will be a big change but I really get the feeling that your in a much better position this time, you sound like mentally your accpeting the need to gain a bit more and this will really help you create a solid recovery. You have your big chance now to prove to everyone you can do this and I believe you will :-)
Ohh and I love your boots, retail therapy always is a good cure!
Take care, xoxo
I agree that it's a bit disheartening that the treatment team weren't more positive, but I suppose they are primarily there for support and they only have your best interests at heart. I'd imagine they're just desperate not to see a repeat of what happened last year, but unfortunately they can't see inside your head and realise how strong and committed you truly are. As you say, it's good to know that there's a safety net there if times ever do get rough.
Beautiful boots and jacket!
Knowing that I tend to get frustrated with myself for stagnating, I can only imagine it must be equally frustrating for treatment professionals to feel the same way with clients. Nonetheless, it definitely sucks that they were so pessimistic! It's great that you have your own motivation, though; that's what really counts.
I have "shopping problems" too ... not a joke. Love your purchases, though! :)
<3 <3
The more negative the team, the more fun it is to prove them wrong ;) I believe in you anyway, they can all go and...I dunno, stuff ensure containers up their butts. Mwhahaa, I do a good Samara impression too!
omg boots! They are really nice :D
I have loads of faith in you. You have the power to make this time different, and I know how much you want to succeed (and prove the team's negativity wrong, like Katie said.)
I miss you, Fi, so we need to catch up on MSN as soon as possible! xx
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