running up that hill

post title in honour of J, who I am excited to see soon when I get back to uni :D

I realised this morning that by the end of this week, a month will have gone past during which I've only binge/purged once. a bizarre realisation for someone who even carried on finding a way to do it while in hospital and heavily supervised. also felt like a HUGE milestone for me because it's well below the cut-off point to be medically diagnosed with bulimia. of course doctors are slightly insane and it isn't actually possible to 'technically' suffer from anorexia and bulimia simultaneously, but I've always thought that rather than the more misleading and nebulous idea of 'purging anorexia' would describe my illness well. so, I am slowly erasing all 'signs' that I have an eating disorder. next step is the weight criteria, I'm sure :D

anyway my second thought was that I should blog about it, and I realised that I hardly ever talk about how I've been able to stop the bulimic behaviour. partially I think, because when like me you lost a lot of weight and retained most of the old fears associated with restrictive anorexia, the initial recovery process is very similar. I found that when I started keeping down food, it felt like I was right back in the mindset of my teenage years. also, everything seemed to fall in place at once. I always understood this on a logical level - I knew that even when I was restrictive I was terribly afraid of bingeing, partially because I was so starved that I knew my body would have taken over and had me eating everything and anything in an instant if it wasn't for the paralysing fear of weight gain. when that 'fear' was taken away bulimia quite literally took over my life and I realised that the idea of being able to eat absolutely anything and lose weight was really not the holy grail I'd imagined. but I digress. I'm trying to narrate how I managed this past month so that I never fall into the old logical fallacies again. when I was maintaining a low weight, I didn't even think that I WANTED to stop bingeing & purging. it was totally alien to me - why would you want to? wouldn't anyone do this if they knew how? but now...while eating what I NEED, aka enough to gain weight on a consistent basis...it seems like a fading nightmare. why did I do that to myself? the obvious answer is my refusal to give my body what it needed. I didn't understand this for years. I would say it, but secretly believe that eating 1500, 1600 calories or similar was 'enough'. and I'd wonder why I could still have struggled when I was in hospital, and in the past at higher weights. the answer now is obvious - I resented 'having' to keep down a full meal plan and gain weight, and there were very limited behaviours I could get away with which would somehow alleviate the stress. it's quite illuminating now to see how much I tried to run away from what I needed to do, because it terrified me. I'm writing this partially to remind myself, but also cause I know that lots of people with eating disorders are terrified of bingeing, having been there myself even when I'd never done it...I hope explaining my story helps a little to prove that both the fear and the reality of overeating really do decrease a) as you eat what you need, regularly, and get closer to a healthy weight if you need to and b) as you ACCEPT your body's needs and give yourself permission to eat rather than resenting it. obviously there are still emotional triggers, but if you are restricting or in a restrictive mindset where you want to be restricting, they are amplified about a million times. of course I don't believe I will be 'cured' by weight restoration, but I think the fact that I am practising point number 2 every day will be a big help for the triggers that are more related to emotions or attitude to food :) in a way I suppose it's been helpful for me that I need to gain so I can ease myself into 'justifying' eating something that I just crave or am hungry for rather than having a restrictive mindset. I'm sure that will get harder as my weight goes up but I'm prepared to conquer it :D

besides pondering stuff like this I've actually been rather busy for the last few days :) I went out with my housemate on Monday to do some last minute pre-uni shopping, and I was in London again with Jemima and Katie yesterday. Katie's birthday + my first UK blogger meet-up = a very fun day :D we obviously went to Wholefoods and raided the salad bar, then wandered around Camden/Oxford Street/Regent Street all afternoon. luckily I think we are all the talkative type and couldn't stop jabbering about pretty much everything. it was really funny to share irritated memories of IP with Jemima...we have been in the same unit (and are NEVER going back, lol). It's really nice to spend time with people who are going through similar things to you sometimes, especially when they are so brilliant :D. I will be very sad not to be very close by to Katie for the first time in ages when I move!

other activities have included setting up my new laptop (YAY!)



and eating lots of Marshmallow Fluff obtained from Selfridges Food Hall (double yay!)



I think I'm finally getting on top of my to-do list before Sunday. car insurance - check. module choices - check. I put 'the history of the book (medieval)' right at the bottom of my preference list ;) I hate medieval history with a passion. packing - not checked yet. but I'm getting there!

I am so emotionally exhausted right now, it's taken me about 3 hours of sofa-collapsing and TV watching to push myself into writing this post. I pretty much just want to sum up today in expletives but I will do my best to restrain myself ;)

For a start, I spent most of the morning feeling awful and beating myself up over everything I wrote about yesterday. It's so goddamn frustrating that I finally feel like I am past the ambivalence I had for so long about actual weight gain itself, but now all these doubts and guilt about 'being greedy' or 'eating to gain when I don't need to' come sneaking up on me. I just feel totally pathetic and immature now for even being worried by it, and I don't know why because to be honest it's quite understandable (I am trying out this 'having compassion for yourself' thing? it's weird...) given that I have a meeting next week where I am supposed to be told a meal plan to maintain my weight, and I've been feeling overly full and not 'ready' to eat when I need to which is pretty much my biggest dread/irrational fear. plus please someone tell me how it's possible to feel too full when all you eat is refined carbs and sugar with absolutely no vegetables? lol, fuck my life. also, someone in real life today asked me 'you're at your target weight now right?'...perfect timing, world.

anyway moving on, I think I must have convinced my head to shut up by just sticking my fingers in my ears and yelling 'I'M NOT LISTENING FUCK YOU' as though I were four years old! haven't really worried about anything like that this afternoon/evening, but unfortunately mostly because I was feeling generally low, crap, and lacking in motivation to think about or do anything really. plus worrying about real life fun which I can't even write about here...ok to be honest I can't write about it anywhere. it is kind of hitting me that I need a therapist purely because I want to talk to someone who actually has to keep confidentiality...good thing I am moving soon. I also fell asleep for half of the afternoon which totally f-uped when I was supposed to eat...if you ever have the inclination to end up in a position where you have to try cramming 1500 calories into 5 hours with very little fat content...just don't! I practically started crying into the toaster when I burnt a piece for the FOURTH time cause I was so irritated and not paying attention to it. just in that sort of mood today, I think a red light changing at the wrong time could probably make me cry! realising that my laptop is definitely broken beyond repair and I'm going to have to buy a new one in the next two weeks definitely DID make me cry :P another 'don't do it'...Dell laptops! because I am feeling sorry for myself I have to show you...check this out ;)

before I get on to the confused mess that was today - I think I actually ate a ridiculously 'typical' thing for a blogger just now :P
I gave in and bought gluten free porridge today, despite the extortionate price tag, cause this mix has only 0.7g fibre per serving, and I have seriously resented not being able to eat porridge recently! I have to say, it wasn't as good as regular porridge, but I prefer it to rice flakes. and my randomly inspired topping tasted damn amazing...



frozen cherries (another fairly low fibre discovery! fruit, I missed you) and cream cheese 'icing', basically mixed up with a tsp of Cadburys drinking chocolate. sounds weird, tastes great! if I really wanted to fit in I would call it chocolate cherry cheesecake oats ;) but let's just say that, being an odd one out again, I've eaten cheesecake many many (too many?) times in the last few years and it doesn't exactly taste the same. still really good though. and far cheaper, lol.

(added a sidenote - there are numbers in the following rant, feel free to skip!)

as for the confused mess - I am starting to remember (one of) the reasons my weight restoration efforts have tended to slow down and reverse themselves in the past. I'm noticing a huge change recently in the way my body and mind function and feel. a good one! but really pretty triggering. in the simplest possible way: I'm starting to feel far less hungry. that's misleading though, I don't mean hungry in the stomach rumbling physical way. I wouldn't pay any attention to that anyway cause my stomach is so damn screwed up! what I'm referring to is the more subtle physiological manifestations of starvation. I'm sure lots of you reading this will have experience of this - the anxiety around food, inflexibility, physical signs, clock watching. beyond that I experience it just as a FEELING...an extremely uncomfortable one at that, like a psychological gnat biting you! generally although I'm unaware of physical hunger when I'm ill, it is fairly obvious that there's a war going on - my body is screaming for nutrition and I am brutally ignoring it. what is confusing me now is that I'm not feeling that anymore, it's dropping away scarily fast. and I remember this happening over and over again during the period where I 'managed' my ED in my late teens. I bounced between a bmi of 14 and 17 thereabouts for a couple of years, and I'd try to gain then run out of steam and feel like I was ok when I got close to the higher end. even when I am eating a pretty high intake, if I'm at a lower weight the mental & physical awareness of being starved doesn't go away. but I am noticing it changing a lot now, which fits as I'm in the low 16s bmi wise.

sooo, as for why this is a bad thing?? ok, it isn't actually at all. but I've spent all day driven to absolute frustration with the spiral of thoughts that I'm obviously just 'greedy' for trying to gain more when I feel like my body is saying 'stop'. coupled with the fact that I've been getting periods for quite awhile, the 'obvious' (or totally deluded :P) conclusion for me is that I don't have 'permission' to gain more because I probably just have a weird body. of course all the stuff about menstruation being related to body fat percentage doesn't help either. I've always heard and thought that the body should 'settle' and hunger should decrease when you are close to a normal weight, so I'm really just questioning what the $%£$ my body thinks it's doing...I pretty much 'want' to still feel hungry? very strange...

before I go any further...the whole thing rings HUGE alarm bells for me and as such I am being stubborn and eating exactly the same way I have been, despite a distinct feeling of meal times rushing up on me incredibly fast and being bored of eating. for the moment I'm totally capable of continuing to gain purely on the premise that it's not going to hurt anyone :P and even if I were healthy, remaining underweight would hurt psychologically. plus I think I'll look better with another 20lbs, lol. but I'm still an obsessive crazy person who really needs answers rather than generic assurances. I really want to know what's going on with my body, because every sensible part of my brain is telling me that the odds of me being healthy at this bmi or a bit higher are absolutely miniscule given that I'm 20 and Caucasian. there must be some other odd explanation, I would just really love to know what so I could beat my ED over the head with facts. is it actually possible for your body to 'adapt' to anorexia, hence why I've had periods at lower and lower weights etc? do I just not know what 'healthy' really feels like? heh, I am probably going to research this like crazy and find nothing now. hopefully I will find a way to either rationalise it or just ignore it soon though...in terms of not thinking about it, not just ignoring the thoughts which I am already doing ;)

I get so overwhelmed when I 'put off' blogging for a day but I have things to write about...where do I start?! thank you everyone for wishing me luck in the review. it was actually ok. well I'm not really sure how I feel about it but it didn't affect me badly or anything, all pretty routine really.

we talked about planning, and how I have planned (or not!) my transition to uni. cue me feeling like a right idiot because I must have come across as so unprepared, as though I were attempting to use the opportunity to 'escape' or something. really, there isn't much I actually can do until I'm there, and I said I was confused by all this talk of planning when really, it's just up to me whether it goes well or not. er, do I have a bit of a tendency to reject help and try to be too independent? mayyyybe :P

anyway, turns out the 'plan' that was being talked of basically involved setting a weight which if I drop below 'bad things will start to happen' i.e. communication between my GP and home, I think. supposedly to catch things before I go totally insane. good safety net, honestly though I was thinking 'oh fuck, no WAY am I going that low again'...if I did it would almost certainly end in another admission anyway, and just...no. it was slightly depressing that the whole meeting was about what might happen if I reached a dangerously low weight though, not the possibility of any improvement! on that note though I have broken the plateau I've been stuck at for awhile and gained a bit more :D I'm now, er, 60% of the way from my lowest to my goal? which is pretty cool and encouraging. I think everyone else in the meeting except me was surprised though! I am supposed to set up a meal plan 'for maintenance' too but I ain't going to bother ;) I want to come back at Christmas and shock everyone at home...but this time not because I look like death warmed up, in a good way!

the rest of my day has been one of those where every little irritating thing possible happens, but I'm in a good mood! loving it. the annoyances though? well firstly, it took me 45 minutes to make the 15 min drive back from my review, what with early morning traffic. I'd gotten up at 7.30 (this is WAY early for me. practically inhuman!) and it was 10 by the time I got home, not having eaten yet. yeahhhh you can imagine I was one GRUMPY driver! so I had breakfast while watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer (did anyone else's teen years feature this show heavily? lol. James Marsters is still smoking hot!) messed around on MSN and talked to Katie. most exciting part...you can see my msn icon in her pic! hehe.

I decided to have a particularly expensive lunch to revel in the last couple of weeks I'll be living at home and able to slyly eat bits and pieces of my parent's food :P



tuna salad toast & smoked salmon/Philadelphia/lemon/black pepper toast. wish I could afford this every day!

post-lunch, the heavens decided to open and there was pretty much a torrential downpour. which, er, kind of spoiled my plan to go for a run! not a fan of being soaked to the skin. still, looking on the bright side of life, it was good to prove to myself that I don't HAVE to run, I just like to. I went shopping instead, ate the same way I'd planned and had a great time! I have itchy feet now and am looking forward to running tomorrow though :) but my shopping trip was time well spent, because I finally managed to buy things I've been looking for for weeks. I have a shopping problem - ok not a 'problem' exactly but a problem in that when I 'need' things I tend to go out and buy totally random other things which I could really do without! so today I found a jacket and some boots, which I've known I needed for my move to the frozen North for ages. check these out, have to show off ;)





lol, do I look like Samara from the Ring? trust me, I look ROUGH today, so you all don't get to see my face. it was the early morning I swear! also, if you ever feel like a challenge try taking a non-blurry picture of yourself with your hair covering your face. tricky! or perhaps I'm just totally un-coordinated...

so shopping has cheered me up :D I am rather pensive following that review though. I think it's kind of hitting me that this is really my last chance at moving away for university. if I end up in such a dangerous position again I don't think anyone will feel safe signing off on me going back to be honest. my outlook feels so different right now, in that the idea of going back there honestly makes me want to cry. in the sense of being incredibly sad that I apparently believed I deserved to go through that, and not to ask for help until my little visit to the general hospital scared me into it. but I know how easy it is for things to slide. I'm up for the challenge, but it's more than a little scary! I've relapsed, well, a lot of times. how many failures does it take before learning from your mistakes becomes easier? is determination enough? it had damn well better be...

despite being a Sunday, today was destined to be a good one because of the 4 hour marathon of 'Lie To Me' on Sky 2 this afternoon. I officially love Tim Roth and am a TV addict. hadn't seen any of these, it was the first four episodes, and I loved them! they were slightly spoiled by my parents getting home for the last one and making random comments about how much they hated it...terrible taste I tell you! they hate House too :O shocking I know.

also, I am so clumsy it's almost unreal! and apparently have issues with actually feeling pain at appropriate times. remember my shaving cut/graze? and how I didn't feel it until I saw the blood? well. I went running along that amazing path by the Thames this morning and didn't notice I had somehow acquired a nasty cut on my foot until I got back and was greeted by this...



yep, that's blood :P and I hadn't felt a thing. it hurts now though! I feel rather special having had this happen twice during what, two/three weeks of running? on that note though, it has occurred to me that I am REALLY ignorant about exercise in all forms. seriously! you guys have to help me out here. it may sound a little weird but even when I was purely restrictive AN I was of the 'I'd rather sit on my butt and not eat' school of thought...when I was admitted this winter and I did a questionnaire on exercise addiction I got the lowest possible score, which apparently is lower than a lot of 'healthy' people, lol. but besides that tangent the point is that I don't know how to train, how to rest, how to stretch, what sort of thing to eat before I run, after...you know, anything! I am making a project of researching now, because I will actually injure myself if I continue just going with the flow!

the rest of today has been uneventful, I am just panicking about my review on Tuesday and that has me thinking about uni, of course. I can't ever seem to talk in 'whole family reviews' (they involve a doctor, a CPN, me and my parents) because my family don't talk about much at home so it's a totally false environment. I also know I will be weighed and it will inevitably set the tone for whether it's a positive meeting or not. I know there will be a gain from last time, but I'd so much like it to be a fairly substantial one and I'm not sure exactly what will happen. my body seems totally unpredictable so we'll see.

I can't get too fixated, anyway, cause I most probably won't have a scale in the house at uni. at least that's my line of thinking at the moment, although I'm slightly worried about it now and not sure whether it's the right thing. even though I've talked on here about taking things slowly, I 100% do want to get to my final target weight as an end result. I tend to see it as a different type of 'negotiating'...bear with me here as it's an odd metaphor. sometimes in treatment there is this idea that you never 'give an inch' or 'negotiate' with your ED, it's basically like negotiating with Al Qaeda. well, I work with a slightly different approach to recovery. despite the rhetoric, governments DO negotiate with terrorists cause they realise that the terrorist has the power and resources to blow them up :P but they do so with the end goal of winning the war! rather than the kind of 'fake negotiation' which is seen both in politics and with anorexics, where the end goal is basically to let yourself be walked all over while pretending to negotiate! long ramble. point of it is - I need to get my weight up a fair bit more, and I am slightly worried that uni will allow me to let this fall by the wayside. so perhaps I need a scale glaring at me in the bathroom to remind me of this goal. and perhaps I could throw it out once I get there! or smash it! I haven't decided yet, I'm just rambling about it. but any thoughts welcome :)

a positive note to finish on: I ran out of something I had planned to have for this evening's snack. initially I got freaked out, but then decided on another,er, challenge shall we say? I haven't kept down 'dessert' in a very, very long time outside of IP. I don't even really want to think about how long, it's sad! I've had chocolate, sweets, sweet things...but never an actual dessert. firstly, I think they have bad associations. pie, pie more pie and custard in hospital did not do me any favours! secondly, I eat little and often cause of my GI issues so dessert post-meal wouldn't work. ANYWAY, I saw that my parents had brought this back from their weekend away, and I wanted some. so I had a slice. surprisingly uneventful! everything gets so much easier and less terrifying when you are eating a lot more :P hopefully my stomach will agree, because I'm sure the fat content is, er, high...but I'm going to sleep now so I have a good chance to digest and wake up feeling good! ahhh the power of positive thinking...

so basically, I'm too tired to post anything long but I have loads of pictures!
(kidding. sort of.)

firstly, Katie's post reminded me of a pact me made on MSN. do I link to her blog in every post? possibly, but hey, everyone should visit her! anyway, we were talking while I was coming up with an interesting new variant on pizza: instead of the tofu from my last one I used sausages! anyone ever seen those crazy Dominoes 'Meat Feast' pizzas...seemingly often consumed by teenage boys? I was trying to think of something which 'sounded' really intimidating to eat and this fit the bill. can't quite put a finger on why but what the heck. I said to Katie that I didn't know whether I would take a pic because it would be another marker of being incredibly 'different' to most bloggers...not only do I NOT eat whole grains, I also do eat meat (and sugar :P but we all know that!). but we made a deal so I had to do it! I suspect it was far better than the Dominoes pizzas anyway...



I always burn them slightly though! not the greatest timekeeper ever...

in other news, I went shopping yesterday...it was nearly a totally unsuccessful mission, you know the kind where you just can't find ANYTHING you need? I had just about given up but I found some black trousers in Esprit's sale...I need them for matriculation cause I don't actually have a suit! and then obviously, I got sucked in by the shiny red signs and decided to buy a polo shirt too cause it was reduced and I was spending anyway...is anyone else a total sucker for advertising strategies? it gets me every time!

so on top of the gratuitous spending, yesterday was also made of awesome 'cause I nearly ran 5k for the first time! I say nearly cause it was actually 4.7...I am kicking myself now for not working out the distance first cause I definitely could have kept going. annoyingly this was in the evening, which meant I had to run around the roads where I live, and some of the way on the pavement, which I think may be the culprit for my knees being a bit sore today :( still, it felt amazing...I updated my Facebook that night as 'Fi feel like she can fly', lol.

so today I went down to the path by the Thames near my house, just to do some reading and soaking up the sun...I ran there the other day and wanted so badly to take pictures, so this time I could! check this out...it's so pretty...







hey, at least the polo I needlessly bought is colour co-ordinated with my iPod earphones :P

I sat there for awhile reading 'The Three Sisters' which is on my drama module for English. At least this module has some great texts...if I don't get sent my History choices soon I will probably end up studying Medieval book-binding or something and want to bash my own head in with boredom. Post-reading in the sun I went to get something to eat/drink in the infamous Sainsburys and got ID'd AGAIN buying this...



as I love Red Bull and I love caffeine I thought I might be impressed...but not really. despite 32mg per 100ml it really didn't touch me at all. perhaps I need to join Caffeine Anonymous? tasted ok, but was the most un-filling thing imaginable despite that I had a small snack with it too. hence when I got home I broke out a failsafe...



Marmite = love.
I'm so happy that I can just eat something in this casual way at the moment if I'm hungry, without feeling scared or trying to cut back later. after seeing a minor weight loss Friday, I've been eating a lot more and am now almost at the level I was as an inpatient...I could never have believed I'd be able to eat this much alone, still almost can't believe it actually! I know I won't gain as fast because my weight is higher and I'm running now, but as before I was gaining 3+lbs a week I'm happy to go slower than that :P what makes me grin is the fact that in terms of facing that amount of food in a day, it's just the same (well, more difficult as I am taking responsibility for making the choices and preparing the food myself), and I feel more than ok about it.

tomorrow = more reading (I got Jung Chang's biography of General Mao from the library...can't wait), more typing and less photos! hope everyone is having a good weekend!

I really appreciate the support and replies yesterday...especially the teaspoon solidarity! honestly I slid that in there as a slight joke but I have to agree - teaspoons are fantastic :D I also have to quickly apologise, my internet is playing up like nothing else, those of you who blog with Wordpress, I can't even load any pages on it, and even on blogger it doesn't seem like my comments are going through :( so I will be back tomorrow I hope, if it decides to fix itself! Facebook isn't working either so I am feeling rather cut off from the world...slightly bizarre if you think about it!

today was...difficult. I swear this is why I never want to post anything good because invariably I spent the next day in an awful mood. of course, that could also be because I seemingly swing from cheerful to grumpy every 24 hours these days ;)

I suppose you could say I'm having a bit of an identity crisis, as cliched as that may be. since figuring out that I have demolished the illusions I used to have about my eating disorder, and I don't want to BE that person any more, the question is, how can I be anyone else? I can't stop running over and over in my head a conversation I had with a very close friend a couple of years ago. it was in the midst of a relapse, and I was venting my frustration to her about how I hated having everyone associate me with anorexia, almost having it tag along as my invisible shadow. I said 'really, deep down, that's not who I AM...it's just a thing which keeps following me'. and her response was (paraphrased!) 'somehow it is though. it's just part of YOU, I can't imagine you being any other way'. over the years I've been told by many people that they can't imagine me at a normal weight, or without the little idiosyncracies that come with my eating disorder. of course I don't blame them at all...mostly I think they were trying to make me feel better actually!

anyway, I suppose there's a minor issue of vanity here. if I, and everyone else, has been looking at a low weight version of me for years, do I even have the 'potential' to look normal at my target weight? sorry that sounds quite bizarre, it may only make sense in my head! but it confuses me a lot. far beyond the issue of looks though, is what it all represents for myself and my personality. as Katie has wisely said many times, when you become anorexic you aren't just a thinner version of yourself, your entire personality shifts. of course I have noticed this to a greater degree when my weight has dropped especially low, but now that I'm aiming to maintain a weight high enough for my brain and body to be FULLY functional for more than about five minutes, the question arises will it change me? my early childhood wasn't the happiest as far as I can remember...I was accelerated by a year and felt out of place among my peers, with a couple of friends but mainly disliked, inevitably due to being annoyingly precocious and involved in just about everything - extra work, reading, chess, programmes for gifted children, swimming...ok I will stop before I get tired just thinking about it! in any case I was unhappy at school and unhappy at home...old sad story. but I know that during my adolescence I've been sociable, fairly popular, cheerful in company, still a bit of an annoying overachiever but also a troublemaker and more 'well balanced' shall we say? the fear now I suppose is, will I lose my spark and become shy if I'm not hiding behind the false confidence of being underweight? will I become less focussed and determined...is that a symptom of the disorder? thinking about my two short forays out of diagnostically anorexic territory doesn't help either...my commitment to recovery was so tenuous that by that point my chaotic and overwhelming emotions and the build up to the inevitable relapse eclipsed any glimpse I might have had at how it 'changed' me. of course, I shouldn't necessarily assume that any changes will be negative ones! but when facing something you fear terribly it is rather the default setting!

I've slightly emotionally exhausted myself writing about all this, but at least it provides some distraction from the mundane and annoying recovery related stresses which have been driving me up the wall today. so it seems I need to be eating more. and my body is telling me this in a very emphatic and pushy way...I was out today and had to be TOLD that I was pale as a ghost and shaking, apparently it was time to inhale yet another large serving of food. I don't really have a problem with it in theory, but all day I've been panicking that eating this much will push out the sensible side of my brain and allow me to convince myself that I am 'overeating' or some such rubbish. I am very good at 'warning' myself that it wouldn't be healthy to start gaining too much weight...insert eyeroll here. I'm sure I will handle it though, but I am having a temporary attack of nerves! in fact right now my feet are getting cold...sigh. it never ends!

just before I blogged I remembered to take a pic...I must eat some of the weirdest cereal mixtures ever!



chocolate & dried pineapple? yes! I think anyway ;) also, how weird does my tea look? I'm having to drink Ceylon tea cause we've run out of coffee...not good, not good at all!

back tomorrow with more sense I hope?