compassion
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as it's Wednesday, I have to share an amusing fact with you all...I only just recently figured out what 'hump day' meant...it was one of those things I'd been reading for ages and just skimmed over, then when I actually thought about it everything snapped into place, and I thought 'my gosh, I'm really quite blonde sometimes!' so now I know and my life is enriched...but for someone who is supposed to be an English student in a great department I really need to wisen up a little :P
anyway. the past few days have been adventurous indeed. (not really, I just thought I'd say so!). took myself off to the library and dragged a pile of heavy books home...yes, History geek and proud!
today was 'babysit the small child' aka my eight year old brother day, so we went swimming (aka messing around on the flumes in a leisure pool!) and bowling. thankfully my stomach managed to settle down because in the morning after breakfast I really thought I was going to be sick...great timing! still, our little excursion proved that my body is not infact totally kaputt...probably I will sleep well tonight though!
picked up a brilliant new sandwich to take out (ok don't think it's actually new new, but it was the first time I'd seen it!). haven't had pesto in a long time and it was AWESOME :)
also did some thinking. oh I know, groan and look away now! ;)
the title of my post first came from reading around and wishing that people I know with EDs (and other mental health issues actually) could be able to have more compassion for themselves. now the obvious, most glaring facet of that would be how brutally we can treat ourselves when we are ill, pushing our bodies and minds to the limit...thinking we should 'just be able to cope' with pretty much everything, no matter how horrific.
but it has also been playing on my mind that a similar version of this unwillingness to forgive ourselves any weakness can carry over into recovery too. not just in blog-land, but on other websites and real life too - I know so many people who I feel just plain don't give themselves credit for what they've achieved. the attitude that being ill was just 'selfishness', 'vanity', 'immaturity'...I understand this, because it makes leaving the eating disorder behind a much more clear cut choice...but it saddens me because it almost feels like passing judgement on who we were and deciding that recovery will make us into new and better people (not just healthier ones!). I don't believe that anyone puts themselves through hell because they are selfish, or immature. it's difficult and painful to think about the functions the eating disorder had for us (not least because we realise what we are missing!). but I feel that for me, recovery will mean respecting my past choices, yet wanting to change them. coming to terms with the 'loss' of mistakes I've made, but not blaming.
as far as all this applies to me - I've done things I regret terribly due to my illness. when I came home this February I felt barely human, and didn't act it either. I was waiting for all the boxes to be checked before I was admitted to hospital for a few days, and during my appointment I had broken down in tears and said that I didn't want to die and I was terrified. all true. I also begged and lied through my teeth to avoid being admitted to a general ward due to my potassium levels...saying I would do everything right, not put myself in danger and so on. to be honest, I wanted the few days to a) push my weight down more and b) binge/purge as much as I possibly could before I went in. I wasn't allowed to drive and I couldn't walk far so I told my dad I wanted to 'go window shopping' in town. total excuse to buy as much food as possible. I still can't believe I came back to my parent's house and deceived them like that when I quite honestly could have had a heart attack at any point. just DID.NOT.CARE. so yep, I have had a lot of moments of hatred for myself during that time. a lot of times where I have thought that I must be an inherently selfish and thoughtless person to put my own 'addiction' so to speak above anything else. just the amount of money I've spent on this sickens me! but today's thoughts are: I am not recovering because I hate mySELF when I am ill, but because I deserve better than that. anyone does. I have screwed up, lied to myself, lied to everyone around me - but that's what this illness does. I didn't ask for it and sure as hell didn't want it. I hope all of us can shift the balance towards being PROUD of ourselves now rather than ashamed of the past. cause it's definitely making me feel better :D
anyway. the past few days have been adventurous indeed. (not really, I just thought I'd say so!). took myself off to the library and dragged a pile of heavy books home...yes, History geek and proud!
today was 'babysit the small child' aka my eight year old brother day, so we went swimming (aka messing around on the flumes in a leisure pool!) and bowling. thankfully my stomach managed to settle down because in the morning after breakfast I really thought I was going to be sick...great timing! still, our little excursion proved that my body is not infact totally kaputt...probably I will sleep well tonight though!
picked up a brilliant new sandwich to take out (ok don't think it's actually new new, but it was the first time I'd seen it!). haven't had pesto in a long time and it was AWESOME :)
also did some thinking. oh I know, groan and look away now! ;)
the title of my post first came from reading around and wishing that people I know with EDs (and other mental health issues actually) could be able to have more compassion for themselves. now the obvious, most glaring facet of that would be how brutally we can treat ourselves when we are ill, pushing our bodies and minds to the limit...thinking we should 'just be able to cope' with pretty much everything, no matter how horrific.
but it has also been playing on my mind that a similar version of this unwillingness to forgive ourselves any weakness can carry over into recovery too. not just in blog-land, but on other websites and real life too - I know so many people who I feel just plain don't give themselves credit for what they've achieved. the attitude that being ill was just 'selfishness', 'vanity', 'immaturity'...I understand this, because it makes leaving the eating disorder behind a much more clear cut choice...but it saddens me because it almost feels like passing judgement on who we were and deciding that recovery will make us into new and better people (not just healthier ones!). I don't believe that anyone puts themselves through hell because they are selfish, or immature. it's difficult and painful to think about the functions the eating disorder had for us (not least because we realise what we are missing!). but I feel that for me, recovery will mean respecting my past choices, yet wanting to change them. coming to terms with the 'loss' of mistakes I've made, but not blaming.
as far as all this applies to me - I've done things I regret terribly due to my illness. when I came home this February I felt barely human, and didn't act it either. I was waiting for all the boxes to be checked before I was admitted to hospital for a few days, and during my appointment I had broken down in tears and said that I didn't want to die and I was terrified. all true. I also begged and lied through my teeth to avoid being admitted to a general ward due to my potassium levels...saying I would do everything right, not put myself in danger and so on. to be honest, I wanted the few days to a) push my weight down more and b) binge/purge as much as I possibly could before I went in. I wasn't allowed to drive and I couldn't walk far so I told my dad I wanted to 'go window shopping' in town. total excuse to buy as much food as possible. I still can't believe I came back to my parent's house and deceived them like that when I quite honestly could have had a heart attack at any point. just DID.NOT.CARE. so yep, I have had a lot of moments of hatred for myself during that time. a lot of times where I have thought that I must be an inherently selfish and thoughtless person to put my own 'addiction' so to speak above anything else. just the amount of money I've spent on this sickens me! but today's thoughts are: I am not recovering because I hate mySELF when I am ill, but because I deserve better than that. anyone does. I have screwed up, lied to myself, lied to everyone around me - but that's what this illness does. I didn't ask for it and sure as hell didn't want it. I hope all of us can shift the balance towards being PROUD of ourselves now rather than ashamed of the past. cause it's definitely making me feel better :D
5 comments:
Pesto sandwich looks very very interesting. Yum!
Reading this made a tear trickle down my cheek :) True and beautiful. Thank you :)
xxx
Hey! There's nothing wrong with being blonde ; ) But seriously, I know what you mean about that phrase...it took me a good couple of weeks after first reading it to understand what it meant.
Ah, you're doing English! Or is it English with History (not sure if Durham offer that...it seems so long ago since I was applying there I can't remember!) I wondered which course you were studying at Durham, as I know they offer quite a diverse range (I was offered a place there to do English but decided to be all bohemian and take an option that included Creative Writing at Northumbria). You're such a diligent student already that I know you're going to be such an academic asset for them, and I have every faith that you're going to graduate with a brilliant degree.
Sounds like you had a really enjoyable time with your brother ~ makes me so jealous that I'm stuck being an only child.
I'm so touched that you shared some of the heartbreaking experiences you've suffered with the blog world. Your paragraph on forgiveness is something which meant so much to me at this precise moment, as I'm currently trying to shake off the notion that I am 'selfish', 'vain' and 'immature' that's been drummed into my head by external sources ever since I first showed signs of mental illness at the age of eight (problem child or what?) I was moved by it, truly. You have such a way with words, such a beautiful way of articulating your thoughts.
Equally beautiful was your comment to me: I am really, really trying to listen and learn...I suppose because I don't 'need' to gain weight it's like I don't have 'permission' to, especially in a society where it's always seen as negative. I'm just lucky to have 'voices' such as yours to talk some sense into me.
<3
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Don't worry, I didn't know what "humpday" meant until I searched it up on the internet. That sandwich looks so cute, in its little sandwich container and all. I always visit my library and carry loads of books home, the only thing that bothers me is that I would have to carry it all back. Haha :)
I like this post, its true when your in the little ed bubble you barely ever see your own progress and small achievments. we really all should give ourselves more credit.
also, i lol'd at humpday - i only just figured that out the other day too! :)
OK, where did those fish come from?! I'm quite sad that I've left blogger now!
lol, I was blogging for four months before I worked out what humpday was. Actually I didn't even work it out, I read about someone else working it out :P
I think I know where this post came from <3 and I understand the temptation to pass the eating disorder off as stupidity or immaturity too, because that way we can say 'that was then, but now we've changed'. I always used to do that when I was an OT student too - I talked about my depression and anxiety like it was in the past, dismissed it as adolescent craziness. The problem with disowning a huge part of your past is that it tends to bite you on the ass at some point though! I think you have a really good attitude towards this :) far more mature than those who say that their problems were immature, anyway.
I am now suffering from sandwich envy. Fail.
:P
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