child at heart!
08:57 Edit This 6 Comments »
haven't had this breakfast in ages. ok obviously it includes soymilk and a banana, what is with me and photographing incomplete food preparation! Frosties really make me laugh cause I always think of IP - when we ran out of cornflakes there would literally be absolute mutiny on the ward and people would go to any lengths to ensure they got bran flakes as the 'alternative' instead of Frosties. me? I was absolutely terrified of how much pain I'd be in if I had to start my day with a bowl of bran flakes and even resorted to going and pleading my cases with the nurses setting up breakfast the night before so I could get the Frosties everyone else was so afraid of!
in any case, I am obviously a child at heart cause I went shopping this morning and bought the new Munch Bunch half and half strawberry/vanilla fromage frais. YES they are kid's yogurts. no I don't care. I bought quite a few new things, within the constraints of my diet...including blackcurrant jam (I stood in front of the section for five minutes trying to figure out what I LIKE, but suceeded!), oyster/thai basil stir fry sauce and udon noodles. the noodles are made with wheat flour but I hope the fibre count is low enough that I will be ok with them once in a while. I'm actually planning on spending some time later today trying to think of some more recipes/meals I can eat so I don't get stuck in a rut.
I want to apologise for my freaking out in the last couple of posts. reading so much obvious and blatant 'anorexia talk' makes me feel a little ill today. if I'm honest it was probably a precursor to yesterday as I felt worse than I have in a very, very long time. this is one thing which frustrates me about recovery - so many professionals have told me that I 'just have to conquer the fear' and 'weight gain won't be as bad as expected'. to be honest, I usually find that it is as bad, and worse until I've pushed through it. it's not a logical thought process of 'I weigh X so I can't cope/life is terrible'...more that I have held my weight at a low level and derived emotional stability from this for so long that the 'feeling' of being at a higher weight or not feeling 'starved' has very negative associations for me and I start to become unstable very quickly. for example yesterday I was driving home, and for about 50 miles down the M1 I was crying and hyperventilating so much that I could barely breathe and I got scared that I couldn't drive safely so I had to pull over. no rational trigger or anything like that...but obviously once I feel like that my immediate reaction is 'anything to make this stop...must lose weight'. for the next 12 hours I was still in such a state that I had to force food into my mouth through tears and while using all available willpower to prevent myself scratching at my hands/face with anxiety. it wasn't a matter of 'wanting to give in to my ED' but at the time I honestly thought 'I can't do this' and as though recovery was probably more of a hazard to my health than anything else! I'm a bit better today...I think going to sleep gave me a break funnily enough! I'm trying to just keep breathing and remember that this will end.
6 comments:
Childish food choices, eh? Have you seen the amount of Outback Animals mini packs that I get through? Or the Doves Farm Chocolate Stars I was eating a while back for that matter? Nothing wrong with kiddie food at all ~ it's quite comforting and enjoyable to eat because it's 'fun' in a way. Go with what you like, not what age range it's aimed at : )
I wish I could find some Whole Earth Maple Frosted Flakes where I live ~ if you like Frosties you'll love those.
Health professionals are never brilliant at conceiving of the psychological trauma that weight restoration entails because 99% of them have never been through the process themselves. Obviously I've never undertaken such a long process as you are going through but just from my tiny experience I know that it's utterly terrifying and you're quite within your rights to blog about it. If venting helps, go for it.
Hopefully the feelings of panic will ease for you soon.
<3
Hey hunni,
I really do understand. Last night was very much as you described. I was very lucky that I had a friend staying over so I could lose the plot with her, pretty much saying the same thing over and over again instead of doing something detrimental to me.
But you are working through it, step at a time and you do have extra challenges. You're gonna make it, but its okay to have crappy times and remember that is what you decided to do on this blog? Write about hte good AND the bad, just writing it as it is!
*cheering you on*
xoxox
Nothing wrong with kid breakfasts - I used to eat chocolate stars for breakfast every morning in York :P they do just as good a job at turning the (rice) milk chocolatey as coco pops! Yum.
Aw, I think our bodies are doing some similar weird shit at the moment. No idea what all these mood swings are in aid of, but they're not much fun. Maybe it would be a good idea to write down a list of things that you need to remember while you're feeling bad - that your 'sane' weight keeps getting lower, that you have no chance of ever achieving genuine stability if you stay ill, that it could be hormonal and would therefore settle down in a few months, etc - and then carry them around with you. I'm thinking of adding something like that to the flash cards I keep with me. It's easy to forget why you're doing this in the middle of a bad day.
I hope today is good! It will end, it can't last forever <3
Frosties rock. Almost as much as crunchy nut cornflakes...and I was SO close to buying the munch bunch yogurts! And petite filous- kids foods are the best!
"Childish food choices" often make it easier to "play with your food," and I don't care what anyone's parents may or may not have told them... it's always more fun to play with food!!
Hope today is a better day for you.
<3 <3
ED is a freaking devil. It swoops in any time, any where. It just dives in to kill. I'm glad it's over now, but remember that it can happen anytime again. Not wanting to scare you just warn you that you have to be vigilant and in fighting mode all the time...and I know you can WIN! The more you face it, the easier it becomes until one day it will REALLY leave you for good!
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