totally incapable of being brief!
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I am SHATTERED tonight and have to get up at some kind of reasonable hour to drive up to where my parents are on holiday tomorrow, so this will be short. it's my dad's 50th and we have a birthday dinner booked on Thursday, plus I seem to have been roped into taking my brother to (yet another!) theme park! still, I don't really mind ;)
today was a review with my psychiatrist in the morning. among other things, another weigh in, which I hadn't anticipated! anyway, after having stalled then increased what I was eating, I was up another pound :) bizarrely, the smiley is justified - I didn't have a freakout moment, I actually smiled! I'm now 20.5lbs above my lowest weight, and I haven't been here in nearly a year, hovering just below on several occasions because this weight was a sort of 'limit' I set myself. of course, it was a limit in more ways than one. I used to hang onto the fact that I wasn't 'prevented' from studying, socialising etc at a low weight, but I think I'm starting to believe that I might actually be happier when I am healthier. there is a sense of panic there too - I am gaining now beyond what I did in hospital when I was sectionable. I am choosing to. which is partially really empowering but I have to admit there is a huge fear there of the unknown, and of 'hiding' the trauma (yes I feel justified in calling my last relapse trauma, I can't even believe now how horrifying it felt :P) I went through. even though I wasn't at my lowest these past few months I still felt like it was 'visible' before because I was obviously making a 'sacrifice' to maintain a higher weight. now...ah I don't know. it makes me nervous how strange I might feel in a more healthy body, with the memories of the low points I've been at. it's scary that I don't know what's changing - if I was that crazy, how can I be doing so well now? how does that work? do people really change?
lol the title of this post was originally 'just a quick one' cause I was tired...then I went and turned that paragraph into a ramble! oh well :)
some pictures to brighten this post up are in order!
I went out shopping randomly after my appointment and needed something to munch on to supplement my liquid (frappuccino :D) snack. enter ice cream chewits. normally I hate sweets but these were reduced to 69p for five packs and I had to try! I think I must just hate fruit flavour sweets cause they were brilliant!
of course, I am incapable of window shopping without picking up something, so I bought these purple trackies from TKMaxx. most comfortable thing ever...you may have figured out by now that I love comfy clothes. also, I'm not good at this self photography thing, all our mirrors are tiny and awful, so I had to resort to this method instead!
tonight's snack (and probably a favourite to be enjoyed for awhile, I am addicted!)...toast with light Philadelphia (cream cheese) and set honey. obv the other slice did get honey in the end, I photographed halfway! this was so yum. I'm sure I can find more good combos like this on my new diet if I think about it enough!
back tomorrow probably as I'll be babysitting my brother and bored. apparently there is internet in Yorkshire so I won't have to go through withdrawal!
today was a review with my psychiatrist in the morning. among other things, another weigh in, which I hadn't anticipated! anyway, after having stalled then increased what I was eating, I was up another pound :) bizarrely, the smiley is justified - I didn't have a freakout moment, I actually smiled! I'm now 20.5lbs above my lowest weight, and I haven't been here in nearly a year, hovering just below on several occasions because this weight was a sort of 'limit' I set myself. of course, it was a limit in more ways than one. I used to hang onto the fact that I wasn't 'prevented' from studying, socialising etc at a low weight, but I think I'm starting to believe that I might actually be happier when I am healthier. there is a sense of panic there too - I am gaining now beyond what I did in hospital when I was sectionable. I am choosing to. which is partially really empowering but I have to admit there is a huge fear there of the unknown, and of 'hiding' the trauma (yes I feel justified in calling my last relapse trauma, I can't even believe now how horrifying it felt :P) I went through. even though I wasn't at my lowest these past few months I still felt like it was 'visible' before because I was obviously making a 'sacrifice' to maintain a higher weight. now...ah I don't know. it makes me nervous how strange I might feel in a more healthy body, with the memories of the low points I've been at. it's scary that I don't know what's changing - if I was that crazy, how can I be doing so well now? how does that work? do people really change?
lol the title of this post was originally 'just a quick one' cause I was tired...then I went and turned that paragraph into a ramble! oh well :)
some pictures to brighten this post up are in order!
I went out shopping randomly after my appointment and needed something to munch on to supplement my liquid (frappuccino :D) snack. enter ice cream chewits. normally I hate sweets but these were reduced to 69p for five packs and I had to try! I think I must just hate fruit flavour sweets cause they were brilliant!
of course, I am incapable of window shopping without picking up something, so I bought these purple trackies from TKMaxx. most comfortable thing ever...you may have figured out by now that I love comfy clothes. also, I'm not good at this self photography thing, all our mirrors are tiny and awful, so I had to resort to this method instead!
tonight's snack (and probably a favourite to be enjoyed for awhile, I am addicted!)...toast with light Philadelphia (cream cheese) and set honey. obv the other slice did get honey in the end, I photographed halfway! this was so yum. I'm sure I can find more good combos like this on my new diet if I think about it enough!
back tomorrow probably as I'll be babysitting my brother and bored. apparently there is internet in Yorkshire so I won't have to go through withdrawal!
3 comments:
Chewits! Man, I haven't had chewits in years, I was afraid they'd stopped making them! :(
Yay for chosing to gain weight. You can do it and you can keep gaining. You're kicking ED's ass right now and it';s fantstic :D
Katie x
People can absolutely change! It must be frightening to feel that if you could relapse before then it could happen again, and I understand the feeling of 'why am I doing so well?' that accompanies the anxiety and trepidation that one day you'll suddenly wake up and be back in the old mindset (though with me it's over as opposed to under eating) but I'm sure you know that it's all in our hands: yes, you've been there before and it sounds like the relapse caught you 'off guard', but with your renewed strength, more nourished mind and potential coping strategies I just know you can make it this time. You have the power!
Okay, motivational speech over
;) Those trackies look sooo comfy: just the sort of the thing I love to wear. And yay for finding a lovely snack that doesn't upset your stomach.
Have a fantastic time at the theme park: having a younger brother really does seem to have its advantages : )
<3
Haha, it's the weirdest thing ever the first time you are actually quite happy to have gained weight, right? Yay Fi!! I know what you mean about anxiety over making the experience invisible...I think I wrote a whole post about it at one point. It is scary, but it's not worth hanging on to half a life for. Anyway, although people can't see how ill I was a few months ago now, if it does come up - like with doctors and job centre people - everyone is always so congratulatory. It's really nice. I am certain that people can change. Stop believing House, he's wrong :P
I hope you got up to Yorkshire OK and good luck surviving the field! You'll be back before you know it ;)
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