back! (with a vengeance?)
04:40 Edit This 5 Comments »
helloooo :)
I feel like I should probably slide in shyly and apologetically right now, having not updated my blog in, uh, a rather long time! anyway, my return is probably best attributed to some of my brilliant blogland friends, and a very upfront honest post is called for, so beware, lol.
I went on a roadtrip to Durham with Katie this week, from Sunday to Thursday. if you read her blog you'll probably have heard this backstory, but we both went to university there last year (well, her at York, me at Durham) and dropped out in spectacular and ridiculous fashion when we were forced to admit that our eating disorders had gotten seriously out of control. the last time I saw Durham I struggled to walk the 500 yards to my dad's car carrying my blanket, and was only taking that route of transport because I was told I was too physically compromised to get the train home. this time I was full of boundless energy and happiness! hehe, well, mostly. I didn't find the trip as difficult as I thought I might, probably due to the presence of amazing friends so I didn't get lost in thoughts of the nightmare that the winter I spent there was. me and Katie also hung out with Jonathon, Antonia and Hannah (who will start a blog soon....doooo itttt!). it's funny, but we all felt like being in each others company actually HELPED us with our eating rather than holding us back (we all have eating disorders). not only did I stick rigidly to my meal plan during the holiday, I also broke a few 'rules' like eating while walking around in York, and eating at different times to usual. I know that Katie did too, and Hannah had a good couple of days intake-wise, so go them too! ;)
anyway it was chatting to these guys which prompted me to come back to my blog. I'll be honest, I felt a lot of pressure to fit in as a 'recovery' blog and chronicle loads of acheivements - if I had a bad day/week/life I felt like I couldn't post for fear of triggering people. but realising that lots of my friends are in blogland and my blog doesn't have to be just about 'recovery' but more about ME prompted me to return :)
with that, I have to add that if you DO find my blog triggering I honestly honestly understand and don't mind. I WOULD rather if people just didn't read rather than telling me to change what I write about though. I mean, it won't be full of numbers every other line or anything, and I'm not relapsing (and have no intention of it!) but I'll get this out of the way here - I am not at a healthy weight, and am not gaining at the moment. I gained and lost the same kilo about four times this summer before I held up my hands in defeat! if that bothers you, again, I totally understand, but this is why I want to make my blog more 'general life' than 'recovery'. in fact that fits in really well with my life plans at the moment! I genuinely do see myself entering 'full recovery' and gaining weight in my future - 'managing your anorexia' may beat hospital but it isn't fun. however I've been living at home for the past two years and at the moment both me and my doctors agree that this set up isn't productive or helpful in terms of recovery. so we've made the decision that I will move out (living with a few good friends) and return to uni, thereby getting back 'into life' first. I haven't made progress at home but I have proved that I can avoid relapse, so continuing that will be the first challenge when I move out, and later on I hope that I'll have more success with recovery in a different environment, as I find the one I'm in now incredibly counterproductive.
so, this was a very long disclaimer - but the gist is, I want my blog to be 100% 'real'. I'm not pointing fingers AT ALL (and this doesn't apply to everyone!) but I get the feeling that some bloggers feel pressure to only post the positive, or not post/skirt around things when they aren't going well. I know I did! but anyway, no longer. as some of my really close friends have blogs and I love 'em to bits, I'm gonna come back and be real without worrying about 'how my blog looks'.
this has become really long so I'm going to just leave it there and come back in a bit with more ramblings. but I will finish with a pic :)
this is (left to right) Antonia, me (looking really shiny!) and Katie. yes, I did steal it from her blog!
xx
I feel like I should probably slide in shyly and apologetically right now, having not updated my blog in, uh, a rather long time! anyway, my return is probably best attributed to some of my brilliant blogland friends, and a very upfront honest post is called for, so beware, lol.
I went on a roadtrip to Durham with Katie this week, from Sunday to Thursday. if you read her blog you'll probably have heard this backstory, but we both went to university there last year (well, her at York, me at Durham) and dropped out in spectacular and ridiculous fashion when we were forced to admit that our eating disorders had gotten seriously out of control. the last time I saw Durham I struggled to walk the 500 yards to my dad's car carrying my blanket, and was only taking that route of transport because I was told I was too physically compromised to get the train home. this time I was full of boundless energy and happiness! hehe, well, mostly. I didn't find the trip as difficult as I thought I might, probably due to the presence of amazing friends so I didn't get lost in thoughts of the nightmare that the winter I spent there was. me and Katie also hung out with Jonathon, Antonia and Hannah (who will start a blog soon....doooo itttt!). it's funny, but we all felt like being in each others company actually HELPED us with our eating rather than holding us back (we all have eating disorders). not only did I stick rigidly to my meal plan during the holiday, I also broke a few 'rules' like eating while walking around in York, and eating at different times to usual. I know that Katie did too, and Hannah had a good couple of days intake-wise, so go them too! ;)
anyway it was chatting to these guys which prompted me to come back to my blog. I'll be honest, I felt a lot of pressure to fit in as a 'recovery' blog and chronicle loads of acheivements - if I had a bad day/week/life I felt like I couldn't post for fear of triggering people. but realising that lots of my friends are in blogland and my blog doesn't have to be just about 'recovery' but more about ME prompted me to return :)
with that, I have to add that if you DO find my blog triggering I honestly honestly understand and don't mind. I WOULD rather if people just didn't read rather than telling me to change what I write about though. I mean, it won't be full of numbers every other line or anything, and I'm not relapsing (and have no intention of it!) but I'll get this out of the way here - I am not at a healthy weight, and am not gaining at the moment. I gained and lost the same kilo about four times this summer before I held up my hands in defeat! if that bothers you, again, I totally understand, but this is why I want to make my blog more 'general life' than 'recovery'. in fact that fits in really well with my life plans at the moment! I genuinely do see myself entering 'full recovery' and gaining weight in my future - 'managing your anorexia' may beat hospital but it isn't fun. however I've been living at home for the past two years and at the moment both me and my doctors agree that this set up isn't productive or helpful in terms of recovery. so we've made the decision that I will move out (living with a few good friends) and return to uni, thereby getting back 'into life' first. I haven't made progress at home but I have proved that I can avoid relapse, so continuing that will be the first challenge when I move out, and later on I hope that I'll have more success with recovery in a different environment, as I find the one I'm in now incredibly counterproductive.
so, this was a very long disclaimer - but the gist is, I want my blog to be 100% 'real'. I'm not pointing fingers AT ALL (and this doesn't apply to everyone!) but I get the feeling that some bloggers feel pressure to only post the positive, or not post/skirt around things when they aren't going well. I know I did! but anyway, no longer. as some of my really close friends have blogs and I love 'em to bits, I'm gonna come back and be real without worrying about 'how my blog looks'.
this has become really long so I'm going to just leave it there and come back in a bit with more ramblings. but I will finish with a pic :)
this is (left to right) Antonia, me (looking really shiny!) and Katie. yes, I did steal it from her blog!
xx
5 comments:
Gorgeous girl,
I will celebrate with your successes, support you in decision making and cry with you in the bad times (cause they will be there). I would WAY prefer you write a REAL blog then a happy happy joy joy blog, seriously. Please do that. I don't intend on going anywhere. I'm a bit terrible at commenting currently, but I will be reading.
You're not meant to be perfect. I do understand the pressure, I feel it to and it has completely (radically and unhappily) altered my blog currently... its very much what others want but not me so I don't post as much. So I get that, but hunni, you have the opportunity to turn this blog into whatever you find helpful. Please do that! You're worth doing that for. You (we all) need that! A space to be truly honest.
Go Fiona! You can do it, you WILL make it by hook or by crook and by "it" i mean a life that is what you want it to be, a life that makes you smile :).
Love what you write. Please be encouraged and if I ever write something that is upsetting or something that makes you feel like you're meant to post in a certain way, please just tell me so I know and I can not do it again!!!
*hugs*
xoxox
love youuuuuuu to bits xxx
Hi Fiona! I'm a friend of Katie's and I want to let you know that you mustn't give up! You will meet some challenges but try to defeat them!
And I always try to be really honest on my blog too. Alot of times, I write of how horrible my day was, and I end up feeling really bad for my readers. Oh well! At least honesty is the best!
Oh well, I hope you have a great day! :)
hey chica,im glad you're blogging again. i felt exactly the same way about pressure to always make recovery minded posts. but you're right, its your space, it should be about whatever is going on with you.
anyway it was awesome to see you last week, glad you got home safe and sound :)
Yo :P
haha I was so confused when you were accidentally signed in as me earlier, I thought I was losing my marbles!
I'm really glad you came back to your blog. I blog about bad days as well as good ones and I also definitely prefer honest blogs to relentlessly positive ones. In some ways the latter are the more triggering because you can always tell that something isn't right but there they are insisting that their life is great while they are clearly not healthy. I am also pleased that my evil plan to convert all the my favourite LBers to blogging is succeeding :P mwahahaaa!
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