how to be a functional person
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blogging while movie watching again - The Matrix Reloaded this time :D
snack recently consumed was a favourite I discovered while on my road trip with Katie - Crunchy Oatbakes cereal with soya milk and sliced banana. ok, so I should probably be a normal person and eat cereal in the morning, but I bought it this afternoon and was so pleased with my purchase that I wanted some tonight! I'm a huge fan of cinnamon and nutmeg and this is basically concentrated essence of both. (ps, that's clearly not all I ate :P I forgot the pic again until I'd munched half of it)
this was my ACTUAL breakfast, and one of my current favourites: Total greek yogurt, agave, Weetabix Crunchy Bran and lemon Nakd raisins. usually consumed with another banana, cause y'know, I heart bananas obviously.
I'm still super ridiculously tired at the moment, seems to have struck full force today. I was trying to watch a documentary on iPlayer about pandemics and ended up falling asleep for an hour and half AGAIN! this has happened to me before when refeeding so it's not a total surprise but it always frustrates me no end. throughout my teen years I was able to juggle a 'life' and my disorder somewhat, and I always had some sort of functionality through pure adrenaline even when at low weights. granted, at my worst points I was still totally miserable, this didn't make being ill any more bearable, but I did keep my life going to some degree. this Jan I went ski-ing at a bmi and frequency of behaviours where I really should have been abstaining from any exercise at all, and up til the week before I went IP as an emergency I was still at uni handing in my essays. of course, I don't intend to glamourise this. there were points when I was perversely pleased with myself at being able to 'cope' with my illness and not be totally disabled by it, but to be honest it was physically and mentally exhausting and horrible to do what I did, I just didn't feel 'allowed' to stop, until I was literally put in the position where I had to in order to avoid earning myself a bed in a general hospital.
ANYWAY. I did have a point. which was that refeeding frustrates me immensely purely on the basis of feeling like I have 'become useless' and get so tired and spaced out, where logically I would expect to be filled with energy and far more functional than when I was ill! living at home doesn't help with this last point, as demonstrated tonight where I got to be the target of some more jokes about how I'm a 'lazy teenager' and 'never do anything'. of course my parents can't really be expected to understand anorexia and how that will translate itself in my mind, nevermind why I'm always fine until I try to recover! but it is rather depressing!
so in the spirit of reframing things I guess I'm trying to see the next couple of months as an opportunity to rest and rebuild some strength rather that 'achieve' anything. if I can achieve some mastery over my eating disorder that'd be a start! part of my trouble, I think, is that I worry about 'getting out of practice' at life. I want to jump right back in there at once, as soon as I've decided that's my end goal. anything less and I worry that I'm actually NOT being healthy, and not having a full time job/studying etc is a sign of mental apathy! ahh I don't know. it's all very confusing. suffice to say I have no choice right now unless I want to work in Tesco's and lie about how long I'm staying for! plus it's only two months until I leave for uni. I guess this is evidence of how my fear probably isn't based in logic, more in a disordered 'whyyy are you sitting around eating when you're really inactive?!?' train of thought.
many thanks to everyone for the kind comments by the way :)
I had forgotten how helpful blogging can be and I'm very grateful!
eta:
ok I had to add this pic from the other night as it's rather relevant to the 'having a life' theme and my friend just tagged me in it on Facebook. tis at a bar in Soho last Thursday.
snack recently consumed was a favourite I discovered while on my road trip with Katie - Crunchy Oatbakes cereal with soya milk and sliced banana. ok, so I should probably be a normal person and eat cereal in the morning, but I bought it this afternoon and was so pleased with my purchase that I wanted some tonight! I'm a huge fan of cinnamon and nutmeg and this is basically concentrated essence of both. (ps, that's clearly not all I ate :P I forgot the pic again until I'd munched half of it)
this was my ACTUAL breakfast, and one of my current favourites: Total greek yogurt, agave, Weetabix Crunchy Bran and lemon Nakd raisins. usually consumed with another banana, cause y'know, I heart bananas obviously.
I'm still super ridiculously tired at the moment, seems to have struck full force today. I was trying to watch a documentary on iPlayer about pandemics and ended up falling asleep for an hour and half AGAIN! this has happened to me before when refeeding so it's not a total surprise but it always frustrates me no end. throughout my teen years I was able to juggle a 'life' and my disorder somewhat, and I always had some sort of functionality through pure adrenaline even when at low weights. granted, at my worst points I was still totally miserable, this didn't make being ill any more bearable, but I did keep my life going to some degree. this Jan I went ski-ing at a bmi and frequency of behaviours where I really should have been abstaining from any exercise at all, and up til the week before I went IP as an emergency I was still at uni handing in my essays. of course, I don't intend to glamourise this. there were points when I was perversely pleased with myself at being able to 'cope' with my illness and not be totally disabled by it, but to be honest it was physically and mentally exhausting and horrible to do what I did, I just didn't feel 'allowed' to stop, until I was literally put in the position where I had to in order to avoid earning myself a bed in a general hospital.
ANYWAY. I did have a point. which was that refeeding frustrates me immensely purely on the basis of feeling like I have 'become useless' and get so tired and spaced out, where logically I would expect to be filled with energy and far more functional than when I was ill! living at home doesn't help with this last point, as demonstrated tonight where I got to be the target of some more jokes about how I'm a 'lazy teenager' and 'never do anything'. of course my parents can't really be expected to understand anorexia and how that will translate itself in my mind, nevermind why I'm always fine until I try to recover! but it is rather depressing!
so in the spirit of reframing things I guess I'm trying to see the next couple of months as an opportunity to rest and rebuild some strength rather that 'achieve' anything. if I can achieve some mastery over my eating disorder that'd be a start! part of my trouble, I think, is that I worry about 'getting out of practice' at life. I want to jump right back in there at once, as soon as I've decided that's my end goal. anything less and I worry that I'm actually NOT being healthy, and not having a full time job/studying etc is a sign of mental apathy! ahh I don't know. it's all very confusing. suffice to say I have no choice right now unless I want to work in Tesco's and lie about how long I'm staying for! plus it's only two months until I leave for uni. I guess this is evidence of how my fear probably isn't based in logic, more in a disordered 'whyyy are you sitting around eating when you're really inactive?!?' train of thought.
many thanks to everyone for the kind comments by the way :)
I had forgotten how helpful blogging can be and I'm very grateful!
eta:
ok I had to add this pic from the other night as it's rather relevant to the 'having a life' theme and my friend just tagged me in it on Facebook. tis at a bar in Soho last Thursday.
5 comments:
I totally get lethargic too and end up falling asleep. WTH is that all about??! I would have thought we'd have more energy now not before lol.
Loving the breakfast and there's nothing wrong with having cereal in the pm :P
Have a great day love xxx
p.s. will post a pic of my tattoo later :D
Okay, so WHY do you have to eat cereal in the morning??? I struggle to eat cereal because its "proper" to eat it in the morning. Eventually I went, "Screw it!" And decided I'd organise it for my afternoon tea!! Okay, so I'm still working on it, but in my MP its afternoon tea or snack not brekkie hehe. So, girly! I think you can eat it whenever! Besides, at least you're eating something and ENJOYING IT! To me that is pretty cool.
I'm with you all the way on refeeding deal, major suckies.
Love ya xo
Wow, you're a better person than I am: I lost the will to live at the end of the Matrix Reloaded...that long conversation with the Architect is enough to try the patience of a saint. You truly have a superior brain to be able to understand that film in its entirity!
Eating cereal at night isn't abnormal at all! Lots of people I know do that, including me. There are no concrete 'rules' on when to eat something: look at the vast array of bloggers eating oatmeal for dinner! Living within the definitions of a meal governed by society isn't necessary, and part of eating intuitively is to just go for what you crave, never mind the time of day.
Your actual breakfast looks like such a lovely comination of flavours.
I often felt like I functioned optimally in my first year of Uni when I was underweight (nowhere near the extent that you were though) but eventually I'm sure the refeeding 'haze' will lift...I think perhaps you were totally running on adrenaline and now your body is using energy to heal itself. You're right not to jump back into 'life' until you're ready, and shouldn't feel pressure to get a job beneath your obvious talents just because it's 'the norm'.
You look lovely in your photo!
I just ate maple cornflakes for my evening snack :P
Damn, you know what? I always leave replying to your blog until last because I want to think about what to say and come out with something helpful, and what actually happens is that my brain dies from thinking too much. Epic fail, brain. I will say, though, that every time you feel like you're being lazy, think of me :P I'm not even going back to uni in a couple of months, the inactivity is a long term thing! You would never judge me for taking things easy, and if I'm allowed to do it, so are you ;) Also, at some point your body will stop needing to do so much repair work and hopefully let you use some of the calories for energy again. It'll just take a while. I am sure you won't be knackered forever though <3
There is nothing wrong with eating cereal at night! I do it anyway :P besides its tasty and nutritious, unless we're talking lucky charms in which case the nutritious probably goes out the window.
I understand the struggling with the idea of eating when you're not being active. I started eating lunch again around the time I started a 9-5 desk job for summer and accepting that yes, eating lunch is the right thing to do, was so hard because I'm getting so little excercise during the day. But even if you're not doing anything your body needs fuel, especiually when you're recovering from an ED.
I'm sorry about the lazy teenager jokes. I know comments like that can hurt. I hope you have more energy soon :)
Take care x
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