'real life' and the accompanying ups and downs
15:30 Edit This 7 Comments »
evening everyone :) or y'know, whatever time it is in your part of the world!
I'm currently blogging while watching Munich (best film ever) and just finished eating my snack. Here are some silly pics for your viewing pleasure...
this is me, with a highly appropriate new hoodie (currently breaking a lot of ED rules, mwahaha)
and yep, I kind of ate half this bar before I thought to snap it. sorry, just tasted too good! I totally thought of Jessica when I opened it and noticed that it really smells of cocoa, like she said in her review awhile back! so good.
as far as 'real life' goes, I met up with some old friends from school on Thursday/Friday and had a brilliant time. I was really struggling and having a hard time after my weigh-in (more on that later :P) but being with people and trying to forget about it really WAS the right choice. we also had Indian takeaway, which was brilliant, and honestly did not cause that much anxiety cause I just went with the flow and told myself I wanted to model myself on my healthy friends (the few glasses of wine may have helped the anxiety relief too!).
being around people is great for me, I think, cause it reminds me of what I want in life and how 'normality' doesn't have to be terrifying. I'll be honest, I almost wanted to throw in the towel and not go because my head was a mess of confusing thoughts, as I said after my weigh-in that morning. it gave me a break from thinking about all that rubbish and now I think/hope I'm looking at it from a more detached perspective. I expected the gain, which was 1kg so fairly substantial, but what got my head spinning was being asked if I am 'ok' with it, and if I continue gaining fast apparently I can always talk about reducing my diet to gain more slowly. now obviously I'm not 'ok' with it !but I'm coping (I think!) and I really want to get to my target before I move out in October. obviously I doubt I will keep managing 1kg a week seeing as I just increased my diet to get that gain, but if I manage .5 it's totally possible for me to get there. anyway, my dietitian was telling me that I might not manage to reach the target, but it doesn't matter and that any gain is a good one. NOW I'm realising that she said this to make me feel less pressured and stop me from thinking in a black and white way about it. but at the time I was going crazy feeling like it wasn't 'ok' for me to get there cause I hadn't been 'told' to! crazy head. my rationalisation now though - this is good. I have to OWN this and gain the weight for myself, not because anyone said it's necessary. I mean, it's not like anyone was going to start reading the riot act if I went off to uni at a bmi of 15. it's me who would lose out, everyone else would just get on with their lives (without me!)
so, after all that rambling, the point is - I will own this. by next week I will be more than 20lbs above my lowest weight. I will 'do this to myself' because I want to, not because anyone can force me to. by October I will have gained over 30lbs this year. I have gained weight many times in the past before, and I always thought that I 'had' to...to stay out of hospital, to stay in school...this year I realised that I 'can' stay at the weight of a child if I am stubborn enough and old enough that no-one can force my hand. perhaps it took that to make me start to realise that it is no life. I just hope that taking responsibility for weight restoration can make it stick.
of course, I am slightly putting a brave face on this. if I do well this week I will get to a weight I've been below for almost a year, and am somewhat terrified of. altho I haven't gained a lot yet, just the psychological effect is making me feel totally out of place in my body. at least while I was gaining in hospital I knew I was still emaciated...now I am aiming for a weight where I will probably look relatively healthy, a weight which I have never stayed at/above for more than a few months. this time I intend not to drop below it again once I get there, and that terrifies me. but I am not letting this make me restrict, because I swear I have freaked out and done that enough times for one lifetime. I need to be done with this.
I'm currently blogging while watching Munich (best film ever) and just finished eating my snack. Here are some silly pics for your viewing pleasure...
this is me, with a highly appropriate new hoodie (currently breaking a lot of ED rules, mwahaha)
and yep, I kind of ate half this bar before I thought to snap it. sorry, just tasted too good! I totally thought of Jessica when I opened it and noticed that it really smells of cocoa, like she said in her review awhile back! so good.
as far as 'real life' goes, I met up with some old friends from school on Thursday/Friday and had a brilliant time. I was really struggling and having a hard time after my weigh-in (more on that later :P) but being with people and trying to forget about it really WAS the right choice. we also had Indian takeaway, which was brilliant, and honestly did not cause that much anxiety cause I just went with the flow and told myself I wanted to model myself on my healthy friends (the few glasses of wine may have helped the anxiety relief too!).
being around people is great for me, I think, cause it reminds me of what I want in life and how 'normality' doesn't have to be terrifying. I'll be honest, I almost wanted to throw in the towel and not go because my head was a mess of confusing thoughts, as I said after my weigh-in that morning. it gave me a break from thinking about all that rubbish and now I think/hope I'm looking at it from a more detached perspective. I expected the gain, which was 1kg so fairly substantial, but what got my head spinning was being asked if I am 'ok' with it, and if I continue gaining fast apparently I can always talk about reducing my diet to gain more slowly. now obviously I'm not 'ok' with it !but I'm coping (I think!) and I really want to get to my target before I move out in October. obviously I doubt I will keep managing 1kg a week seeing as I just increased my diet to get that gain, but if I manage .5 it's totally possible for me to get there. anyway, my dietitian was telling me that I might not manage to reach the target, but it doesn't matter and that any gain is a good one. NOW I'm realising that she said this to make me feel less pressured and stop me from thinking in a black and white way about it. but at the time I was going crazy feeling like it wasn't 'ok' for me to get there cause I hadn't been 'told' to! crazy head. my rationalisation now though - this is good. I have to OWN this and gain the weight for myself, not because anyone said it's necessary. I mean, it's not like anyone was going to start reading the riot act if I went off to uni at a bmi of 15. it's me who would lose out, everyone else would just get on with their lives (without me!)
so, after all that rambling, the point is - I will own this. by next week I will be more than 20lbs above my lowest weight. I will 'do this to myself' because I want to, not because anyone can force me to. by October I will have gained over 30lbs this year. I have gained weight many times in the past before, and I always thought that I 'had' to...to stay out of hospital, to stay in school...this year I realised that I 'can' stay at the weight of a child if I am stubborn enough and old enough that no-one can force my hand. perhaps it took that to make me start to realise that it is no life. I just hope that taking responsibility for weight restoration can make it stick.
of course, I am slightly putting a brave face on this. if I do well this week I will get to a weight I've been below for almost a year, and am somewhat terrified of. altho I haven't gained a lot yet, just the psychological effect is making me feel totally out of place in my body. at least while I was gaining in hospital I knew I was still emaciated...now I am aiming for a weight where I will probably look relatively healthy, a weight which I have never stayed at/above for more than a few months. this time I intend not to drop below it again once I get there, and that terrifies me. but I am not letting this make me restrict, because I swear I have freaked out and done that enough times for one lifetime. I need to be done with this.
7 comments:
I just finish watched Munich as well. Agreed, it is a great film.
I do empathise with what you are saying regarding weight gain. It is a difficult process and can get some getting use to. If it is any consolation, you do look really healthy in that photo. (Please don't regard healthy as some kind of euphemism .... ).
I understand what you mean about feeling you need direction - 'permission,' if you like, to gain. I'm so proud of you for this post! Katie said the two of you might be in London early September? It would be awesome to all meet up - and maybe incentive to keep pushing forward? <3 Lots of love.
PS - I have to disagree with the above commenter - you look alive in that photo, but far from healthy. But I have faith that we'll BOTH get there. <3
Cocoa Loco bars are delish arnt they! You should definitly try the new cocoa orange ones if you can get your hands on one!!
Wow congrats on gaining chick, and yes you may look a little healthier but it will definitly be worth it. Be around people a lot, it also makes me realise what ED made me miss out on. We will never go back now ;)
Keep at iit hun, you have come so far and done sooo well and I am immensely proud of you!
xxx
Beautiful girl,
You can do it. I hear the tenacity and the fight in what you write, in spite of the terror and fear that is written along side it. It is because of the former, I have every confidence in you. You were made for more than this.
I am watching a sad episode of a tv show and between that and your blog I'm nearly in tears. I feel convicted, like I'm not worthy to be in the presence of amazing people like yourself that strive and struggle. Know that you're a blessing, no matter how good or bad things are. You are a blessing simply because you are.
*hugs*
Love Telly xo
(PS. thanks for the comment :))
Yay Fi :D I'm really glad the evening with your friends went so well - indian rocks! Lol, the dietician strikes again. I understand why she said that, but I wonder if she realises how big an effect the wording of her reassurances can have? Could you maybe try and tell her what you do/don't find helpful next time you see her? Well done for getting your head back together - deciding you are going to do it for yourself has got to be the most (ew, I can't believe I'm going to write this word) empowering thing someone in recovery can do. You can't rebel against something if you are the one in charge!
Have a nice Monday :) yay for the weekend being over!
I can relate to your feelings about gaining the weight and reaching certain levels.
Im approaching a weight that will be the highest Ive been in a couple of years and by myself and I know it is a terrifying thought. What pushes me forward is just like you mentioned, seeing what I`m missing out on. I watch normal people laughing and having fun over lunch, doing normal things without a care in the world. None of that is achievable while hanging onto an ED though. Its tough and really hard to get through, but you sound like you've got your head in the right place and I`m sure you can battle through this.
I love those coco loco bars to, they are quite nice microwaved and then cooled slightly :-)
I love your hoodie: it looks so comfy and yet stylish at the same time!
I'm so happy that you had a great time with your friends and that you're not feeling isolated by your ED. You're such a dynamic, engaging person (which I can tell from your blog/comments) that you totally deserve to kick back and relax in the company and support of others who reinforce the positive side of your psyche.
So impressed with the way you're able to rationalise your old behaviours: dieticians can be a blessing and a curse, and they seem to come in two varieties...the vindictive old witches for whom nothing is good enough (demotivating) and the lovely, sunshine and rainbows people who let their patients down by not expecting enough. Really their role is secondary to the will and strength of the patient and it's fantastic that you can prove to yourself that you're ready to truly take back your life.
I honestly teared up reading your comment...I'm sure my relentless self-loathing comments must be extremely tiresome to read and I lost so many friends when I started making them in 'real' life that I really should stop, but they just seem to spill out and the patience and empathy that you displayed was just too much for me! Thank you so much for providing a kind voice to contrast with the one that seems to live in my head most of the time.
Oh, and thanks for the mention re:the Coco Loco Bar : ) If you ever find the Cocoa Orange flavour it really is worth a try!
<3
xxxxxxxxxxx
Post a Comment