running up that hill

firstly, THANK YOU guys for welcoming me back. it was very much appreciated :D

I am trying to be a good blogger and update with pertinent things going on for me...and let's be honest, last night I had a bit of a crazy emotional rollercoaster which is worth talking about! one of the things which I was rambling about in the car on our recent road trip (we did a lot of rambling :P) was that I'm starting to wonder if telling me I can maintain a low weight and go back to uni is one of the best things the NHS has ever done for me. hold up, no I'm not going insane! and I don't mean that it's one of the best things they ever did for my eating disorder! at the moment it seems to me like being given what I see as 'permission' to live with my eating disorder has given me the opportunity to get really angry about it. I think it's something I had to experience first hand for a few months to realise that, as happy a face as I may put on, putting up with anorexia in my life (and interfering with every aspect of it!) really drives me crazy! when I'm relapsing and actively losing weight it's always seemed like there's a tangible end to the process...being forced to gain weight, having to turn things around to stay in school, hospital etc. but now what terrifies me is that I can very clearly see an option where this just DOES NOT end. since I have been stable for months it's very difficult to do my usual 'denial' and tell myself that I will 'eventually' surely gain weight/eat more cause I don't have the 'staying power' or whatever. which, mind my language, is a load of fcking ED'd bullshit...cause I can tell very easily now that I will only let go of the reins on my diet if I do so very deliberately.
I think I had a point here. which is that more and more in the past month or two I've been feeling just plain pissed off at this whole thing. at realising, finally, just how ill I really am and how much my life has changed compared to my old friends who are off enjoying themselves at uni/in life right now. we have a reunion in October and I don't want to go to it and listen to everyone's stories while thinking 'well, this year I made a good stab at giving myself a heart attack/renal failure, then I sat around in hospital being infantilised and getting bored out of my skull'. I have a great group of friends from school, and we used to talk about the future with so much anticipation. I really never believed my eating disorder was 'serious' enough to hold me back. I think I told myself it would just 'take care of itself'. suffice to say, I had plans. ack, once upon a time I was pretty damn intelligent. I managed 4 As at A level and 3 advanced awards despite being emaciated and crazy at the time. now? what am I good at? nothing useful in 'real life' to someone without a totally distorted ED'd brain, that's for sure!
this is what was going through my mind last night when I start crying with frustration at about midnight. I have no idea what brought it on, but despite being pretty much inconsolable, it did give me hope in the sense that I have never been this angry/upset with my life before. my keyworker in hospital told me that I would really recover when I was sick and tired and angry with my illness. and back then, I wasn't. so I calmed myself down by telling myself that maybe this is progress. it feels very dangerous to not be cynical for once and admit it, even to myself, but it could be a good thing. on the more amusing side, I decided last night I was going to break a 'rule' and eat something late at night, since I had been up crying and watching crap TV for hours. I ended up eating a banana with tons of PB (no other food in the house on Sunday!) and then feeling dreadful cause it was Sainsbury's basics and had palm oil in it. oops. more DCD for me in future. but I felt like that was a big step. I'm realising lately that I scare myself into keeping my diet controlled cause I have the most ridiculous fear of overeating ever. which makes sense in my illogical head because I binge/purge (so I 'can' overeat?) but absolutely no sense in that I never binge in an 'unplanned' way and I have never in my life objectively binged without purging. so I know that it's stupid but I still tell myself that if I eat something 'extra' it will be 'overeating' and therefore still not healthy, even by 'recovery' standards. STUPID. it really creeps me out how smart I can be at tricking myself into bad habits.

I'm going to meet one of my best friends (and my future housemate) now, as I spoke to her on MSN late last night when I was upset and being a lifesaver, she invited me over for a cupcake baking afternoon :D. ok, so cupcakes on their own won't fix everything, but they could certainly help lol.
will try and take pictures of them and update soon ;)