when it rains...
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hey all :)
small note - I may or may not be in a fairly rubbish state of mind today so the ranting below may be well...just that, ranting! or triggering/angry/pointless etc ;)
I will try to find a point there somewhere though!
so this is how my day became one of those days I just wish would hurry up and end.
I couldn't get to sleep until 5 again, has been happening a lot recently and I'm not sure why. anyway, I was woken up to my dad standing in my room at 7, giving me the Spanish Inquisition. he thought I had been binge/purging and was quizzing me about it: ironically at THAT point I had NOT! so anyway I protested my 'innocence' through squinty sleepy eyes and tried to roll over and go back to sleep, only to be told that I 'always lie' and asked why I can't just tell the truth. now if I'm honest here, although I wasn't on this occasion, I DO lie about stuff concerning my ED! mainly because I feel like I get accused of using behaviours/losing weight/not 'wanting recovery' etc as though it's something grossly immoral, and this really upsets me. like I described this morning, my dad is a nice guy and wouldn't usually stomp into my room and stand over me at 7am (he knows how late I sleep!) unless I'd put a dent in his car or something :P so I get really hurt when I get this impression that he thinks my eating disorder makes me a 'naughty child' or a 'bad person'. sigh. anyone else had experience with this reaction from people? I know I'm at fault here too (hello lack of communication??!) but am at a loss for how to fix it!
the other fun of last night was unfortunately related to my stupid delayed gastric emptying. after a brief period of respite in the first week I'd upped my diet, it decided to come back with a vengeance to spite me, and I found myself coughing up (involuntarily, reflux) a large proportion of DINNER (I eat at like, 7.30?) at 2am. an eye opener to the cause of some pretty severe pain I've been experiencing this past week anyway! but I found it immensely frustrating and triggering as hell tbh! I mean I know I've been pushing through a lot of pain to try and get my weight moving recently but this makes my ED pipe up like crazy...'see? your body is saying this is a BAD idea...no sane person would put up with that just to gain weight'...etc etc. fail, stomach.
like the idiot I am I decided to really put the nail in the coffin of this morning by weighing myself. as I said in my last post, it did need to be done to see what's going on. I weighed after breakfast...I do this a lot, or wear full clothes, if I'm very scared of the number then subtract, cause I don't want to 'see' the 'actual' weight if that makes sense. anyway I was up 0.4kg, so considering that I weighed last time before breakfast/any drinks that's a grand total of F ALL probably :(
very scared about what to do now cause the obvious solution is increasing my diet but with the gastric emptying problems I'm having that seems an even more terrifying prospect than otherwise. I'm already literally lying down for an hour after every meal, and as I said it's pretty horrible eating again when there's already food IN your stomach, especially as someone with an ED who is very very sensitive to that and is caused huge anxiety by it. I think I'm going to have to eat more calorically dense foods, it's the only answer but it's also scaring the heck out of me so wish me luck :P I don't eat 'diet' foods or a lot of fruit/veg as it is so I really will have to move onto chocolate bars or something. today I just feel like karma or some evil force doesn't want me to recover!
sorry for all this negativity. promise I will be back tomorrow and try to be more positive, in any case I need to get back on track food-wise (yeah, today sucked) and solve this mess. right now I want to watch bad TV, sleep, and wish it would go away :P
small note - I may or may not be in a fairly rubbish state of mind today so the ranting below may be well...just that, ranting! or triggering/angry/pointless etc ;)
I will try to find a point there somewhere though!
so this is how my day became one of those days I just wish would hurry up and end.
I couldn't get to sleep until 5 again, has been happening a lot recently and I'm not sure why. anyway, I was woken up to my dad standing in my room at 7, giving me the Spanish Inquisition. he thought I had been binge/purging and was quizzing me about it: ironically at THAT point I had NOT! so anyway I protested my 'innocence' through squinty sleepy eyes and tried to roll over and go back to sleep, only to be told that I 'always lie' and asked why I can't just tell the truth. now if I'm honest here, although I wasn't on this occasion, I DO lie about stuff concerning my ED! mainly because I feel like I get accused of using behaviours/losing weight/not 'wanting recovery' etc as though it's something grossly immoral, and this really upsets me. like I described this morning, my dad is a nice guy and wouldn't usually stomp into my room and stand over me at 7am (he knows how late I sleep!) unless I'd put a dent in his car or something :P so I get really hurt when I get this impression that he thinks my eating disorder makes me a 'naughty child' or a 'bad person'. sigh. anyone else had experience with this reaction from people? I know I'm at fault here too (hello lack of communication??!) but am at a loss for how to fix it!
the other fun of last night was unfortunately related to my stupid delayed gastric emptying. after a brief period of respite in the first week I'd upped my diet, it decided to come back with a vengeance to spite me, and I found myself coughing up (involuntarily, reflux) a large proportion of DINNER (I eat at like, 7.30?) at 2am. an eye opener to the cause of some pretty severe pain I've been experiencing this past week anyway! but I found it immensely frustrating and triggering as hell tbh! I mean I know I've been pushing through a lot of pain to try and get my weight moving recently but this makes my ED pipe up like crazy...'see? your body is saying this is a BAD idea...no sane person would put up with that just to gain weight'...etc etc. fail, stomach.
like the idiot I am I decided to really put the nail in the coffin of this morning by weighing myself. as I said in my last post, it did need to be done to see what's going on. I weighed after breakfast...I do this a lot, or wear full clothes, if I'm very scared of the number then subtract, cause I don't want to 'see' the 'actual' weight if that makes sense. anyway I was up 0.4kg, so considering that I weighed last time before breakfast/any drinks that's a grand total of F ALL probably :(
very scared about what to do now cause the obvious solution is increasing my diet but with the gastric emptying problems I'm having that seems an even more terrifying prospect than otherwise. I'm already literally lying down for an hour after every meal, and as I said it's pretty horrible eating again when there's already food IN your stomach, especially as someone with an ED who is very very sensitive to that and is caused huge anxiety by it. I think I'm going to have to eat more calorically dense foods, it's the only answer but it's also scaring the heck out of me so wish me luck :P I don't eat 'diet' foods or a lot of fruit/veg as it is so I really will have to move onto chocolate bars or something. today I just feel like karma or some evil force doesn't want me to recover!
sorry for all this negativity. promise I will be back tomorrow and try to be more positive, in any case I need to get back on track food-wise (yeah, today sucked) and solve this mess. right now I want to watch bad TV, sleep, and wish it would go away :P
2 comments:
Aw, Fi *hug* I'm sorry you had such a crap day. It's not fun to be put through the inquisition when you haven't done anything wrong! I know liquids move through the stomach a lot faster than food, so maybe nesquik is the answer :P and calorie dense foods can be scary, but everything gets easier after the first couple of times. Does the prophet of doom have any idea why your digestive problems still aren't improving? Would it be worth going to see your gp? Or do you think he'd say it was because you haven't quit b/ping completely?
Tell your stupid ED that it CAUSED all these problems in the first place, so it can't be the answer. Eating disorder = epic fail (not you, just ED!). University, fun and not having dinner repeat on you at 2am FTW. There, that told it :P
Aww Im sorry your having a bad day, its terrible when people sort of accuse/suspect you of doing something when you really havent, Ive been in that position before and its an awful feeling.
As for your stomach problems maybe try taking in some of your extra calories through liquids? That way you wont actually be eating anything extra, it might help a bit, or else try eating some more calorie dense foods? I know its hard to do, I struggle myself sometimes just psycologically to bring yourself to do it but as Katie said it does get easier.
Hope your feeling better
xoxo
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